My Road-FORTUNA

I have to be careful, lest this story becomes about the women and not me.  For they were strong women.  I was always drawn to strong women.  Perhaps it was because my mother was strong and when she died I saw how much my father had leaned on that strength.

It is late winter, the summer is not far ahead, but neither is it close.  I am comfortable, for the moment, while a recovery of my wealth is not to be seen, the events that will either take me over the brink or bring me back on it are at hand.  For the first time in a long time, I have enough money to last for a few months after a harrowing near default where I could least afford it, but I am itching because I want more, I want to be on firm financial footing instead of this quicksand of lawsuits and settlements, loan extensions but not renewals, foreclosures put off but not eliminated.  

My mind is reaching out looking for life in all the wrong places.  It is looking for more money and it looks in a usual place for those with a little money.  I worked, you see.  I remembered the summer day that started all of this, when my mind turned towards someone who owed me money.  My mind, seeking life in fortune, wondered if it could find some additional money.  And the journey began inexorably as the little kernal of greed, which I mistook for life, reached out for additional kindling which it would find in abundance.  The resulting flame would consume the money, consume the greed.  But there was no anger towards the confidence man.  For all of these tribulations had led me to her, had thrown us together violently enough for it to stick, had burned so fiercely around us that our very clothes burst into flames so we were nake together.  And the flames released the little part of me that was still alive for real from the hot coals and give me a chance for redemption, a chance for virtue.

I did not understand my road to redemption.  That is I did not realize it was a road to redemption.  I did not understand it to be the road to virtue until I read about virtue and the war between virtus tu and fortuna.  O' fortuna, like the luna; but that is another, funnier story already reduced to classical musical reverie and perhaps that is the fortune of fate and not the fortune which vies for our souls with virtue.

Before I discuss my redemption, my road to virtue and my fall from grace thereafter, more of a stumble perhaps than a fall so far, at least; perhaps I should digress and talk about what virtue is and how I had to find it.

Like so many others, virtue, and success were hidden from me till I had traveled in the valley of despair.  It seems likely that without losing everything those of us who are weak cannot find the strength of virtue and perhaps that is why those of us who are weak have such a difficult time holding onto virtue.

I believe it was Socrates who correctly predicted that society could not survive where the people sought fortune over virtue.  This, of course, not only condemns our society, but explains why we have begun to trail the world.  In my own writings from this time period I discussed this directly, but without sophistication; not having the full benefit of the Greek philosopher at my fingertips as I would  like.  

But what is virtue?  It is not as Thomas Paine might lead one to believe, a collection of aphorisms (Moderation in temper is 'a virtue').  It could be, of course; but not for my purposes.  No, my virtue is the virtue of Socrates.

Virtue is the act of putting the needs and interests of society, of mankind if you would, ahead of the pursuit of fortune.  One does not rule out the other, but the priority defines the level of one vs the other.

It was something that I was immersed in, because I had given up on fortune.  The trials that had led to a near total despair had ultimately pointed me to redemption. And love.  I am not immune to love, virtue does not make you immune to love, it opens your heart to accept it.  The ring was within my grasp, I had only to keep my eye on it and reach out… I will not kick my dog though sometimes I want to.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

We continued with little breakups but we started to talk and as with all things between us, the talks became longer, but the pain never diminished.

When apart I would read the same books I thought she was reading and I would share mine with her when we spoke. If she had a favorite program I would refuse to watch till we could watch it together or I would watch if so that I would be seeing the same thing as her so we could share the insights we had together.  I shared the songs I listened to.  I wanted to have the same experiences as her for we had already shared so many years together, but never with this level of closeness.  I wanted to be prepared for a future together.

Then there was a meeting in New Orleans I had to attend.  There had been many such, but I had hidden them from her.  But with us talking so often, it was impossible to hide it.  She asked if I wanted to stop by after the meeting.  She would be working, of course, but she would get off early.

So I stayed in town, agitated, uncertain.  I tried to go to the library and work, but I felt like an outsider.  I thought about going to a coffee shop or to get a drink, but was already too tense for the former and uncertain if I was ready for the later.

In the end I went down to the park by the river and watched the ships going up and down the river.  The time for us to meet came, but she was still at work.  So I waited.  Other delays.  The sun began to sink on the far side of the river and it burned my eyes and still I waited.  I feared it would get so dark I would be forced to leave the park and I wondered where I would go.

Then, at last she called.  She was on her way.  She was sorry.  I thought to myself that this was what life held for me now.  I wondered if I could handle it.

She was making dinner from leftovers when I arrived.  She put her arms around me and gave me a kiss, but I pushed her back.  “I need to talk to you.”

She looked at me.  I had never done this before.  I had never been able to do it before.  “I guess I understand,” she said.  “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

And so I told her of my concerns with her.  I told her I didn’t like the city, that with her in it, I was drawn there, but the love that I had held for it, its music, its historic buildings, its libraries and people was somehow too foreign to me, it had changed too much or I had changed too much in the crucible.  I needed something new.  I could come back here I was sure, but I wasn’t sure that I could be here.

“Then we’ll get another place, some place between here and your home.”

I thought about the town with the car show and the cemetary, the views of the water and the smallness of the place and wondered if it would grow on me or repulse me over time.  I thought of the farmland to the north, but knew how lonely and quiet it would be on the nights when she was here.  I thought about apartments on the lake and the women there who would come to my apartment and here my loneliness and try to console me with their bodies and their desperation, asking me to do the same.

In the end she told me that “we’ll work something out,” and because I was exhausted from the waiting and the worrying I accepted it although I did not believe it.  I was a man on fire with virtue and could not be drawn into a place that didn’t hold that fire, or that I did not believe held the fire.

We ate, the food being good but I couldn’t’ taste it.  However, the wine calmed me down at last.  And when the food was put away, we took a shower together and seeing her body naked and having her wash me with the corral washcloth made me agreeable to setting aside our differences.  In bed, her leg over both of mine, I entered her and felt that if I could just be like this every night I could live anywhere.  Still I could not believe it.

In her passion she pulled me on top of her and brought my hands to her throat so I could feel the heat of her passion.  I kissed her hair, and put my tongue in her ear and heard a small screetch of pleasure, I kissed her deeply on the mouth and abandoned myself, to her.

But the morning came and she was gone quicker than I was ready to let her go.