My road-the helpers

I was trying to function to save my business interests by day and by night I was writing, playing music and exercising.  I did not what was going on inside me.  I only knew that with everything being lost, I was going to do what was important.

You might think that this was some sort of pure enlightenment, but it was anything but.  I was in a state of complete desperation.  The virtuous actions were because I saw then end coming and I wanted to go out in style.

And every once in a while, I would see her and then the clouds would part and what was really important would open up and take me in.  I told her, “I will do whatever it takes in order to maintain our relationship, to make sure we become what I think we must have been meant to be with you.  If I lose you my life will lose its meaning.  Right now I don’t know what I’m doing, but I want to do what’s important with the rest of my life.”

And she looked at me and knew I meant what I said and she did not ask me to leave my wife, although it was implied, she only said, “If you write, I will support you.  At least for a few years, not forever.”

How could anyone, let that go?

It was at this time that I first saw, but did not realize, that I was being manipulated based on special occasions, rituals.  While my desire was to put the special occasions between me and my lover at the top of my priority, the perceived need to spend them at home corrupted my intentions; for the business of making money which I thought was important at that time.

I didn’t realize that I was lying to myself.  To what purpose was I lying to myself?  I had the most perfect mate in the world standing in front of me and I was the biggest impediment...or was I?  For she was, in fact just as perfect as I have described; and yet her primary directive was to find some loser who she could rehabilitate.

Oddly enough, I thought at this point in our lives, that perhaps the best thing I could do was to save her.

We were trying to save each other and did not even know it!

Sadly, I thought I would not be worthy of saving her unless I could recover my fortune and perhaps, had I saved myself, she would have lost interest.  It is a difficult point to consider.

I looked at this time I spent away from her as a necessary transition, but I was lying to myself. The truth was that subtle manipulation that no one intended me to be subject to but which was there none-the-less.  I thought I needed to be in my old life for certain events tied to the child and hence when we most needed to spend time together, I found myself apart from my lover.  I should have seen this from the first time I left to attend a birthday party.  It was so obvious that I should have stayed, made the call home, and set this an entirely different paradigm.  She let it happen, however, which validated the insanity.

At this time my body, initially through my inner ears, began to betray me as I began to suffer progressively from a near psychosis represented by fugue states, false memories and profound dizziness.

I found myself embroiled in slow motion, with my partners, then the Chinese dry wall, and the oil spill later.  And all of these things centered around multi-district litigation and New Orleans where the only truly important thing lived.