antimatter and how the ball of yarn might unwind

I woke early and got up even though I was still tired.   The idea of one more nightmare was just to much to bear.
What were they?  Some were your average dreams, some about you and the danger we are in, some were me explaining physics to a world where the results of observations increasingly agreed with my theory but where I was still trying to determine if the antimatter issue was a prohibited transition or one which might even have an imminent, because it is time independent, transition and what it would look like, whether we would even notice if suddenly electrons had a positive charge or whether it would be populated by an explosive transition at our level where suddenly portions of the universe would change, the edges of these portions crackling with destruction as  the entire universe broke down into space at these pockets, a mechanism that would at last allow the knotted ball of twine unravel which would, after a fashion, make the most sense of all, only to be replaced with an antimatter universe at the next compression big bang.
And it was not the destruction of the universe, everything we see and love, that were the ones that kept me awake.  It was instead those petty dreams where my attempts at life failed, the ones that I wake up to every morning, the ones that I hoped you would cure, the ones that getting up and out of bed do not put an end to that so disturb my sleep.
It is not fair that i would sleep so poorly that the thoughts of how things might return to a certain equalibrium, otherwise denied to us, would be given to me but with the price of my peace of mind with the other nightmares.  It would take so little for the universe to relieve my suffering, nothing more complicaed than success or death; but perhaps it is suffering that is  necessary to wring these thoughts from my mind.  Sleeplessness and exhaustion that make me what I am.  Hunger, and desperation and not just a little because of you, loneliness.
Even the illusion, the primitive superstition that killed Socrates, of a caring god is denied me.  That was one of the dreams last night, having to explain to someone that manmade gods and faith had no place in supersymmetry.  I look for IT but I find no place for it, I find no compassion even as I pray for some relief.  Why is that a part of my nightmares which are otherwise so terrifying and practical?