6.30.22

 Slept badly and woke up early and couldn't go back to sleep.  Only 6 hours of sleep, but I was supercharged with anxiety and did not feel tired during the day.

woke up thinking about how to deal with em and with it on solar scales.  It is a different type of thing.  I mentioned a super-force in my writings.

It is nice and weird to be here alone and hard to deal with domestic chores and protecting animals from coyotes, perhaps not enough.  That's part of the problem, I think.  Without saying it is wrong, part of the problem is the disgust at what I let myself be put through, instead of sympathy.  Not wrong, I am disgusted with myself, but that is half the reason for this broken communication.  The other half is that I cannot control my emotions around you.

Found out there is a coyote watch on next door and spent a little time fielding messages there.

June is gone.

Even if it cannot be done, it is the right thing to pursue because it drags the rest along with it.  It is dark again, too dark to ride to work, too much thunder to swim.

Well, its 646.  I ate one meal for lunch and dinner at around 345 or maybe it was closer to 4.  I ate two donuts to tide me over around 1130 and another one for desert after dinunch; yes, that is correct, I ate 3 donuts.  You expect I might try to blame that on you and I could make that argument, but you aren't listening and perhaps the person responsible for my problems is the one who scowls at me when I shave.

Yes, it was a horrible donut of guilt, I had already walked 2.5 miles and done my stairs, but I still swam 1500 yards to "balance things out" as much as I could, did all 1000 of the im the standard way tonight; meaning just enough of a warmup so I could do the im.  I feel ok, a little worn out.

The weather was beautiful during the swim, even cool when I got out, hot and muggy during the walk.

I sent in what the internet said was a solution, but then was told it might not be.  Will I be able to sleep tonight?  That is only 1/2 of the problem.  I have more to do.  I have to renumber all the claims, need to size everything too.  That will be easy and a job for tomorrow morning when I'm fresh or when I wake up in the middle of the night thinking I have to do it right away.  no sense of panic from anyone so maybe I shouldn't panic.  

Had a good call, still sweaty from the walk before the swim, both helpful and not; but the va thing is moving forward and I have the help i need for it.

Why can't I say what I want in my own blog, I wonder, what I miss, what I'd like to say, explanations of these things that I only touch on here.

6.29.22

 172.4; doesn't take much during the day to show me how poorly arranged the weight is.  i've said it before, but some areas are right, others not so much.  I am wondering if I can do a swim today.  Yesterday I was very tired, the heat the limited exercise even before I walked the dog I felt pretty overwhelmed.

it is overcast this morning.

Today is a busy and eventful day.

Two courses, the doe and the customer discovery one, the cdo begins today although parts of it remain undefined as of now.  I will actually know more about that tomorrow.  Going after the idea of temperature control, magnetosphere control is an outrageous area to move to, but it makes a certain morbid sense.  The fact that it would likely involve much more to cool the planet than to heat it up is a pretty good example of what is wrong with the plan.

It does, however, make for a good press release.

It is only 9, but over an hour ago I walked the dog, rain is coming and I needed some time to decompress.  I also zoomed ahead and got all of my im for the week despite being cheated from any on my Monday swim.

On the walk I knew I could stop and pick up some strong coffee for the next day or two.  I was able to get the temporary computer up and and running on most systems.  since I have my calendar on the pad I can live without that for the moment.  that I can deal with google is enough for the moment.  it'll be after the 4th before I sign off on everything and I can do a little experimentation in the interim to see if I can discover how to synchronize the other systems.  The quality of the backup computer should be good, if not great.

It appears likely to storm here soon, I always check the weather to the west of here, but it seems quiet for now despite the storms in the gulf.

It is lightening, all systems up on temporary computer so that is ready to go.  Will likely still wait till next week to do shipping, but maybe not since I have everything operational.  It may be a challenge getting everything up despite the software solutions in place; but at least I have a plan up to having to replace critical software if they (against all needs) reformat the hard drive.

This motivated several levels of backing up info which as a safety feature is a good idea, a little too much redundancy, but never a bad idea.

A steady rain, it is dark outside, work going fairly well, clearing things off my desk.

It's later in the afternoon.  Into the online lecture courses.  My brain is being turned into mush.  I continue to get good feedback on this earth saving project.

I'm in the middle of this first meeting for the program where i have already pivoted based on it to the save the world process.  Between the NM and Va lectures I swam, had to limit it to 30 minutes, but got 20 or so im and did the 30 stroke fly again, I think this is 900 im equivalent with two of them and i had to get out without more because of time constraints, but the stroke count worked out.

i finished all of my meetings ate a late dinner of thrown together pasta emptying leftovers.  It was adequate to  keep me alive, nothing more.  There is enough left for another meal.

My mind is empty.  One more thing.  i read a recipe for cinnamon rolls.

6.28.22

 You don't think I know that July is coming because you think I am a fraud.

I may be, but my cold, broken heart and my work points towards something that is true even if I am a fraud.

Rode bike to work, was cool, rode back was really hot. It will be late for the dog walk to deal with the cold.

Taking a very strong interest in saving the world right now.  Maybe its the heat.

I have done  the walk now and have 130 intensity minutes this week even though i was cheated out of any for the swim yesterday.  I took a shower outside and shaved for the first  time in two days, a pretty ragged job of it, there is no one to shave for.

I was able to do my first bit of customer discovery today and I think it went fairly well.

I am tired I could not work anymore even though there are a number of very easy things for me to do.  I have some issues with where things are going with the customer discovery platform, but sometimes you have to go with your heart, even if you dont have one and  dont get me started it was never about where my heart was, it was always a stupid sense of duty and responsibility and the thought,, perhaps that taking the path worst for me was the right one for just that reason.  you of all people should understand.

I have the  temporary replacement computer set up independently at my desk and some additional passwords to try  out.  we can hope.

6.27.22

 Monday morning.

The Az problem seems to have originated with an algorithm insult and I actually sort of get it even though the issue I caused was accidental.  The algorithm overlords at work.  This is a great product and I am thankful not to have lost access to it.

This is just a funny video: https://youtu.be/9-pybk6XIls

Working on this whole "temperature control" concept.

Weird swim-30's instead of 24's.  I guess you could say i got my im(s) in, but only 1600 yrds.  A minimal workout, but at least it will help me to sleep. I am in the land of death and flies and cockroaches.

Everything is messed up.  Things could never be better without you, of course; but without you can anything be right?  That question is self answering.

Am I serious or making a mockery of things with the TC as the lead project.  It makes a different type of customer payer mix. Can it be done and if it can be done is it practical to expect that it can be done competently by me and in time?

All of the answers are the same for all of the problems.  It has something to do with you, it has everything to do with you, it has everything to do with problems that extend beyond us, but where is my life in all of this.  Am i nothing but a wild solution to an insolvable problem, some weird distraction in the algorithm? 

Time and money, money and disasters

6.26.22

 June is ending, need to target that provisional for 7.1 or 7.5 at latest, i know the next one starts.  Also the book. Az appears to be back up.  Not 100% sure, no confirming letter, but I was able to look at it today.  note 6/26/22 possible banner day.  Also note-be careful as possible not to aggravate algorithms at aZ.

That will be the rest of the weekend.  As soon as it is filed I will see things needing to be done, the next round of grants start in july.

yesterday evening watched racing shows although i do not run.  i should run a little.

I didnt swim yesterday, the thunder lasted too long.  a short, undocumented bike ride to pick up a few things in sprinkles with thunder in the background.  Then more leftovers for dinner and a salad with some of what i bought at the store, then icecream with frozen blueberries.

I swam this morning although storms remained possible, doing the minimal 2k with the im and actually got 40min im from it which is unusual.  The water and air temperature 82 and 82 more or less matched well and it was comfortable and i am glad to have done it.

I felt fat and after a bit of feeling like i had gotten my digestion together for the first time yesterday.  Did some pull ups and pushups, not enough.

There are a lot of things that I have to deal with, emails, books, patents, there is a response on the way which will lead to dozens of things, the patent attorney letter which is written but not sent, the questionaire that has to go to everyone, and on and on.

Are you happy, do you still hate me, love me just a little, miss me?

I had an insight swimming,  forgot it now. Not sure if it will come back or not, strange to lose things do easily.  And just like that I remembered what it was I had forgotten, an interesting aside, nothing more unless there is something else i forgot that i don't remember i forgot.

It is sunday, i dont know how i can go on like this, but i have gone on till now so i will post this.

I found out that my computer is still under warranty, i can fix the keyboard, but the question is what will they do to the software.  maybe nothing, maybe a lot even though for the keyboard they do not have to touch the software but they might well do it anyway.

6.25.22

 No news from Az.  Not a shock, remaining hopeful.

The swim was hard yesterday, muscles sore, perhaps the elipitical; perhaps the rides, but whatever it may well be that a break is worth considering, although I cannot do that and still sleep at night.

starting customer discovery course.  I have a lot of contacts and will be putting together questions to ask them:  what are you looking for: 1) more battery tech, 2) a book explaining the new, accurate model of QM and Atomic structure; 3) shortcut to fusion, 4) shortcut to quantum computing, 5) new chemistry applications, 6) a solution to global warming what would you pay money to get? to develop?

I have a long list to go with.

I need to take my typed notes and put them in one place, not hard to do.

no weighing, walked dog early but was still over 80 degrees and sun was up, 2.5 miles.  Fixed electrical socket problem, took less than 30 minutes including figuring out what breaker needed to be turned off and getting tools together.  completed job, everything tested and put up.  definitely can see prior product was a dud.  I saw it early, but decided to try to live with it and did for almost a year.  ended up costing me 95.00 plus the time and inconvenience because I looked to someone else first.

 No chance to swim this afternoon, all thunder and drissle. Not enough to help the water level in the pool, but it is likely high enoughg to wait till the next true thunderstorm which may yet come today.

The water is very clear, but the last powdery part of the 3 inch tabs was put in place yesterday, likely raising the chlorine to dangerous levels for swimming.  I will have to test it before i get in again.

with the rain i will have to repeat the amonia treatments, probably will need more by next week.  lucky it is not real expensive, but a nuisance to apply.  i was charging the nightlights, but there is little sun this day, none yet tihs afternoon.

I had a fair sandwich for lunch, avocado, turkey, swiss cheesse and vegetables alone with in season peaches and strawberries for desert with a half banana.

I will note that the supreme court this past terrible week when i lost a cat decided states could not regulate guns but could regulate women.  What asses people are, what hypocrits, perhaps the world does not deserve my work or perhaps it is just what it deserves.

I have not finished either the 4th edition nor the patent to which minor changes are constantly being made, nor have i picked up my fiction book that i am writing, preferring videos and the fantasy novel mentioned earlier that i am reading.  Tell me about your day, you dont need to write it or send it, indeed you dont even need to do it, but i am listening for something that cant be heard or said.

I will post this and take a break.  I have much to do.

Severdinesk fell a city I never heard of till this summer. The thunder and light rain goes on, it is cooler but not cool.

6.24.22

 Friday dawned with a bike ride to the office.

It will be pretty hot on the way back, although yesterday was the hottest day of the week.

I had a couple of scares and a frustrating thing opened up again for reasons I cannot understand, but maybe next week I'll find out the details, a lot to look into or get resolved next week.

Rode back, was hot.  Ate something fairly good out of the leftover department, then swam 1500 yards, not a great swim, all the im, then almost as soon as I sat down at my desk to start zoom calls, nearby lightening and thunder.  managed to time exercise pretty well anyway.

I'm a little laid back from all the exercise.

My computers are all acting up, my 2pm zoom call didn't materialize but it was reset mysteriously and without explanation from yesterday so its hard to figure out what happened there.  I'm just as happy/unhappy without it.

So the explanation for the call was me screwing up time zones.  It was  a pleasant call but im not sure its headed anywhere.  another physicist was mentioned.

I wonder what it would be like if you could share that you  missed me like i miss you or is that something i cant say?  perhaps you dont miss me at all.  Alone in bed at night it is the worst. i fell asleep for a few minutes beofre dinner, a little left over pasta and a big salad, so i dont know how well i will sleep, but itis late and i need to go to sleep because time does not wait for me and i can tell by how bad my vision is now that i do not have enough of it. 

6.23.22

 Up at 3:00 am worrying about animals and was at the store before work buying solar lights and ammonia as temporary protection against coyotes.

I feel like a witch.

Today has gone well and not gone well.  The patent stuff which has been clogging my inbox for some time is taken care of, at least everything but the newest and most complicated work.  The grant response is sent. Perhaps that question and the fact that it continues even to the threshold of July is that positive news I need to go on.  So far so good right?

Then my amazon publishing account gets cancelled, don't even know why and probably will not know for several days.  They are working on it, so at least that is happening.  I'm worried there might be some bad tax info or something.  That would only be a typo and no significant sales have been made; but that's just me throwing out random guesses.  It is also likely that this is "retribution" for cancelling  a book that needed some updating to publish.  Can't imagine why they'd do that, but I may have messed with an algorithm, the most likely thing that happened.

Anyway, those edits are still ongoing so there is no reason to rush things.  Sometime next week, for better or worse, I will find out what's happening.

I should just give up right?  I could live some sort of life without trying to save everyone.  Why does responsibility always haunt my actions.

I may or may not come back.  I did 35 minutes on the elliptical, that really isn't exercise although it was hard for me and was better than nothing. I should have lifted weights, but I didn't.  It is over 100 degrees outside, maybe that can be an excuse, although it was cool and I will probably work out more in that gym as the summer goes on.

How lonely I am.  how worried about things.  How much work i have to do unless I give up.

6.22.22: you may not want to read this one as i was visited by death today

 I am heartbroken, not just for myself.

I well understand that this is trivial compared to what many are going through and I would advise you to stop reading because this is about a different type of pain and sadnss which is so much a part of the world.

All things born die.

This morning P. did not show up for breakfast.  This happens on occasion as i get up very early and P. likes to hunt and when we was successful he would bring it upstairs and yowl for the approbation he felt he deserved.

You can see where this is going, now is the time to turn back if you entered.

Late in the day he had still not shown up.  He was a rescue, one of two littermates, both male and they would clean each other on occasion and when they first got here, terrified, they hid in furniture and had each other for comfort.

They eventually adapted and came to love this area.  P. in particular loved to go outside as he was not raised to it.  He would sleep on the steps in front, on a stump, on the cobblestones and anywhere else he took a fancy.

I found only half of his body.  It is almost certain one of the coyotes here caught him, his luck ran out.  I feel partially if not wholly responsible for his death, although he loved his yard and with his hunting i think if he could have thought this way he would have felt the same way; that this was a noble part of the circle of life.

I had to dig his grave and bury him, covering his body, lovingly wrapped in a robe, pushing the dirt over him with my bare hands to better express my love and anguish.

His littermate lives.  I think he knows something is wrong, but how much can he know?  I know  he misses his brother and my heart is broken for him.  The dead, well the dead know either peace or reincarnation in one form or another.  This was a loving cat, he loved his house, his brother and i think his extended family and i feel his last thoughts were for his brother who, being a cat, will hopefully recover.

My eyes tear up as i write this, as I said, i am heartbroken, not for dead, although I am sad for P. who I loved as a person loves a cat; but for the living.

RIP P.

He is just asleep in this picture.  Dear friend, good cat.

6.21.22

 Rode my bike to my office and back in the heat of the day.  Wasn't too bad, but it was hard to stop sweating even though I jumped in the pool afterwards.  i have to walk the dog later.  On the bright side, I have 105 intensity minutes leading up to the walk.

I'm in a funk, no real reason to be, just am.  Well, plenty of reasons.

Am I mad, a genius or both?

I binge watched the tourist, id recommend it, even though it had a dicey ending.

sometimes couldnt life just have a happy ending?

I have a world of work to do, but i know where to start.  For the moment everything is paid and i suppose you could say i have till october before things begin to change too much.

tomorrow will be another busy day.

it rained today, the pool has some waterin it.  the dishwasher broke but its under warranty.  i washed a s-tload of dishes by hand and put them up.

its almost time to start thinking about going to sleep, tomorrow will be another day.

6.20.22

 I'm reading a book of circe with its talk of pharmaka and so many Greek gods and people and things, legends and fantasies.  It may well be a kids book and it is more fantasy than anything else; but it seems well written even though it has so little meaning to me.

I wore myself out before lunch yesterday and it was very hot so i did very little for the rest of the day.  I continuted with the publicist thing, but not the book which has to precede it.  I suppose ultimately I will essentially go with what i have with some of the more obvious corrections and the provisional i should have filed a month ago, but details keep coming in like this evolving view shared information and balance which nuances its way into something bigger a little bit at a time.

It has likely been less than a year since I determined the positron and electron pairing thing, however similar my other modeling was.  Electromagnetism is months old closing that last gap.  But my work on applications continues to dog me, too little empirical expertise.

I have 5 grants pending which is a lot and i should likely get two of them, a third or fourth would rquire additional expertise.  Two have been pending for almost 7 months and in the case of one, that could be a good sign, the other is the one i need the most and which should certainly come.

What a difference those could make, and yet they may all come to nothing.

I have had no obvious responses to my post for a publicist, but i was oppressive both with the requirements and the fees i could pay.  

H got engage today, not a total surprise, but a lot to process on so many levels and an explanation to so many things.

I need to come back to this.

6.19.22

 

Happy fathers day to me and everyone similarly situated and happy juneteenth to everyone.

I was born less than 100 years after the civil war ended which means there were people in legal slavery in this country who were alive at the same time i was, albeit very few.  there were millions who lived with a form of effective slavery; and a padded form of that still exists.

Yesterday i met with a cousin who is living in dc and heard the stories of the tent cities on every corner.  The squaters are slaves to their economic conditions, the wealthy to their inability to solve the problem of providing adequate work and incentives for the squaters.  I suspect there are no tent cities in china or russia; but those people are still there and more slave-ish for the difference.

I spent the day looking at how to create mail lists and extract emails from outlook and gmail for my next book marketing thing.  I need to find a publicist.

It is beautiful here this morning.  The sun came up slowly and it was cool outside for a moment under the ceiling fan at least, the clouds were pink and yellow and scattered pleasantly above trees which even now several hours after i woke just have the tops lit with the full sun.

I took my glasses off  and it all faded into a blur, but it was still pleasant to look at.

WAFB: Entergy says set your thermostat to 78° this summer to save money.

https://www.wafb.com/2022/06/18/entergy-says-set-your-thermostat-78-this-summer-save-money/

Rode to the graveyard to say hi to the grand parents. It was sad but about 14 miles and I got in and brushed the pool for about 20 minutes of upper body combined with cooling down, shocked it lightly so I could still swim tomorrow and debatingwhat'snext. . 

I also started on taking marketing advice although I need to get the book published first,  edits being aggressively started. 

https://www.codetwo.com/freeware/outlook-export/

It is something I can't afford and can't afford not to do.

Had to make myself lunch but I finally took a picture of this refined garden burger concept.  🍔 

6.18.22

Walked before the sun came up, but slept till almost 530, so barely made it and it had topped some of the trees by the end of the walk, searing little slices of sun and shade.  At 5 I finished my swim, almost 2000, did all the im, but not at an impressive rate.  I did earn a badge (toasty for completing and exercise in 100+ degree temperatures); but swimming isn't like being on your feet in that weather although it was toasty in the water.

 So let me put the absolutely horrible day in perspective for you now that I'm a little recovered.  First losing billions,  maybe not but a lot. Second the whole plan was that the labs would realize what I have and if leave the next day for nm telling you that you should come out there for better or worse and there would be plenty of money even without the billions for a nice house and trips and if i have the capability I need to save the world and everything would fall in place. But that didn't happen everything imploded.

I'm comforted by the knowledge that they may well die as a result of their stipulations and that I am one success away from the funding not mattering as much and that I refiled the document hopefully successfully this time and I have several months before a big expense lots of work to do and I swam a mile albeit not as aggressive as I could have even with the heat. 

You could have called and said you had moved on and made it a perfectly bad day; so maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

I can save you the trouble of reaching out if you like, things are good here in the broader world sense, but they are dreary indeed from the standpoint of my various projects.  Its not every week you lose a billion dollars after all.  But if I did hear from you the world would be a more beautiful place, perhaps, or be as dark as it could possibly get.

I am writing a post apocolyptic book where the survivors are fighting over the arctic to plug my solution to the crisis.  I have not had much luck in finishing books because i am too busy, but i need to take a break from the science and the heat and perhaps this will help to save the world, probably not.

thus is what I had for dinner.  I fried the bannanas in cinnamon and added pecans but no blueberries.  Vegetable sausage. It was delicious. 

6.17.22

 Yesterday I could have done without I am beset with setbacks.  Leep was always a longshot, but I wanted to at least have the chance to pitch particularly given a fairly stellar review from the scientists there.  I feel like my connections in nm have let me down.  I am rethinking going out there which is a little stupid given how big of a stretch things were.

Then the case i have been working on for 6 months gets filed by someone else (250b) and the group that i finally got to start on it is bragging about a bus case they settled.  Dead or dying.https://www.forbes.com/sites/brianbushard/2022/06/16/elon-musk-spacex-and-tesla-sued-for-258-billion-in-alleged-dogecoin-pyramid-scheme/

I never heard on my case  where i was hoping for some help and finally in a state of frustration wrote a letter saying if i dont hear today to treat it as a cease and desist letter so i could find someone responsive (two emails and a call not returned on top of delays far past those we discussed).  I dont know what else went wrong, but and this may be good in the long run, i was told i needed to refile a longer document with more corrections in the matter i thought i had finally put to rest yesterday.

I could not go to sleep, small wonder.

It is a day to take a deep breath and say at least i have my health.

Yesterday I rode my bike to work and swam after that (1500 yards, but 1000 im meaning a very minimal warmup).  I also walked in the evening heat over two miles, but as I said, I was very upset.  It took a lot out of me but i  still could not sleep and it is not yet 5am and i have given up sleep.

I have none of the things which I can lean on before, so I just have to toughen up and continue forward. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4m7esFGLKzw

Probably closer and not farther from selling the house (worst time to do it financially) but its a thing.

This was vandalized by someone who paid a homeless guy to paint it black this week, but within a few days it returned to its very colorful state that you see here.  This is a gay pride thing.  this canon has more coats of paint then anything else in the world, its probably really a tiny little cannon with many coats of paint.  I wonder if that is not a metaphor for us.

6.16.22

 I just walked back inside.  it is 5am even though i had breakfast and fed the cats.  i could walk the dog while it was still cool, but he sleeps through the predawn areas.

i have my coffee instead.

it is full dark outside, no hint of dawn, no moon, but it was still fairly light, the difference of being in the city.

i apparently snore too loud to have company at night, you do too btw.  i miss that. Especially now,  I have not given up on my project. Two grants are out there, the book is finished and i am talking about marketing and editing even though i can afford it with different people, three grants were just filed, all 3 on point after a fashion, i solved the magnetic repulsion problem; the first patent is being examined, i have a little time.   i have not been formally rejected from the labs, although i dont know why i hold onto hope there.  i have a solution to global warming, at least maybe.  you would think from a distance everything was fine.  maybe it is and it is just this thing with you or without you that ruins everything else.  what is there to look forward to?  The spanish have an extra question mark, it is inconvenient.

It did not rain yesterday, the pool is marginal for another day or two, balanced and clear probably for the next week and my radar shows a chance of rain right now in a very limited way that may be some radar blip or some storm that stops and goes before it gets here or skims my without leaving any rain. it is a strange time of year.  i am obsessed with things, obviously.

I am going to publish this while it is dark and cool outsid and i will come back later, perhaps because i am desperate to reach out even though i cannot.

I am back.  it is 6am.  ive started a level 102 physics course online which so far has added nothing.  this is noteworthy, because before it would have raised questions at this early stage, but it will take longer if it does anything at all.  there are still questions about the details of absorption and spew which need to be answered, how they are channeled, but i noted on the course it was still, electrons repel because they have the same charge and not the detailed reason that occurs and the underpinnings of quantum change that powers all forces.  These remain the domain of AuT where i dwell largely alone.

I need to write an update letter and return to this whole grant thing.

6.15.22

 My average steps are down from over 9000 in nm to under 5k here. I do have 12 exercise activities in the last 7 days  largely balanced and without the upper buddy work yesterday which was hard but not notational enough for me to have included it. 172.8 this morning. I'm not trying to lose weight but I'm restricting sweets to just a granola bar occasionally a scoop of ice cream, not even you. 

Today I will  start on the next round of projects. A calendar item already came up with a warning that let me know the risk I took was likely worth it. 

I should have been named pyrus for even if I succeed the world will be a less magical place for my efforts. I have to add the caveat of success limited by eternal ct1 states. 

It's later in the day, my 2000 yard swim is behind me.  It was cloudy, but hot and the sun was bright enough to blind me to the bottom after swimming on my back even with my eyes closed.  Such is my vision I suppose.

Today I had lightly shocked and declouded and burshed the pool, but none of that had completely settled in the hours between and when I swam.

This afternoon turned into a big mess.

I got the notice for the next accelerator, knew it was coming but was not ready for the short notice; after the swim I could not get into the editing or the response which was required; but there are a few others that need to be dealt with which requires i have my wits about me which are absent, maybe they will be there tomorrow.   

So tomorrow is 1-check on that response and write up the letter and file it; 2) take a look over that patent including the new sodium thing; start getting everything ready for the accelerator.  Glad all the grants are out of the way for the moment.

I should have heard about the lab thing so i am going to go negative and say that looks like a dead end which is irritating.  Wondering about how to handle the next part of the fsn thing, i need to look deeper into that; figure out what i can and cant do, maybe find someone or someplace to reach out.

I have to nail down this irritating foia thing, probably have some outreach to do there but i hope not and a draft to send as soon as i get an email i was promised today but its after 5 and i dont see it which does not scare me but it irritates me.

Not sure how to deal with all that is going on around me, but the place to start is to find out what i have to do and calendar it.

The swim was weird, i did the 2000 but it was like a dream and i was not there, almost a fuge thing.  I can feel the effects of it now.

I also took and posted a picture of my lunch which has also disappeared.  Today seems to be not happening even as it happens.

I might imagine i was having a stroke if my head hurt but i feel fine and no more or  less nervous about everything than normal.

Bloomberg: China Says It May Have Detected Signals From Alien Civilizations.

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2022-06-15/china-says-it-may-have-detected-signals-from-alien-civilizations

At least it looks like the rest of the world is having the same stroke i am unless this articlee doesnt exist.

6.14.22

 Today is a free day of sorts, sent the preliminary response in for discussion on the 22nd; finished all the grants I'm going to get into.  I have the next prov. to finish, a big job.  Weird that working on that would be a "free day of sorts."  I am definitely overworked.  

Walked dog to office and was here before 7.  did the scary railroad walk

managed to get almost the whole way with almost no sun; wasn't too hot although i was soaked because of the humidity.  Still up to 100IM for week and my steps for the day.  Doing the scary RR part means its only 2.9 miles (instead of almost 4) and I left a cup I need to pick up where I was drinking my coffee on the walk.

Saw a couple of racoons, btw, the dog almost made me spill the coffee, but I drank it and I put the cup where I can find it if someone else doesn't get there first.

I'm getting really close to the first deadline and if I don't make it all the way, well one more failure more or less will be hard to take, especially now when costs are beginning to get out of hand.  I decided to buy time, but may end up being a waste.  If you believe in something...right?

I am freaking about everything.

Your name came to me from far away today; almost free from associations for a moment.  It was weird, maybe its a good thing although I don't like it. I thought the last thing I saw might be you, maybe it will be a racoon.

It is raining now, maybe hard enough to buy another day or two, probably not enough to backwash; but i dont think i will have to add water today or tomrrow, we will see.  I did not get to swim, i probably need to do some upper body work, not sure i can convince myself to go to the gym but there is enough I can do here to stem the tide and i have been putting off the core work for way too long.

Gas was 4.79 a gallon here in low gas price land, so i am guessing in other places it is through the roof.  A good time to have a hybrid vehicle, right?  I understand my car has 25k miles left before i need to start worrying, but given all the events, i am liable to shoot for 50k more unless something dramatic happens, although there is plenty of room for drama in my life.

I give today a 5 overall. Could be worse,  a lot was taken care of and I did a minimal amount of stretch and upper body work and it is still thunder so I  couldn't swim. Not at all happy with things, but they may look up, it's largely out of my hands but I'll continue to do the work. 

At least no one is bombing the other side of the bay yet. 

6.13.22

The camera fails to capture the rose color and torn up nature of the sky after the evening thunderstorm from yesterday as dusk descended.

Yesterday after the walk and before the afternoon, I swam 2000 yards ending with over 500im for the week (1000plus a little im for swimming vs im for intensity minutes).  Everything goes back to zero today; but I don't feel compelled to get more exercise than I otherwise would today.  My glasses fogged in the humidity when I walked outside this morning, it was 80 degrees or more even though the sun wasn't out.  I doubt I'll ride my bike to work, but we'll see.  I'm ahead of a lot of things, not sure what I'll do with the rest.

Next week, after the deadlines of the 15th, I'm going to look more closely at this mail/nm issue.  I also will likely meet with realtors; a fairly significant part of dealing with the overall problems.  How different things would be, would have been if I could get some confirmation of where things stand, for better or worse.  My daydreams and my day realities are miles apart and yet sometimes i cannot tell them apart.

I have to have faith that something better is possible.  Do you or have you already found it?

Long after the deadline for rained, a thunderstorm slowly built up, adding enough water to buy another day, not a gully washer, but a significant rain, maybe a half inch or perhaps more or less who can tell but it rained at last for a few minutes and sprinkled a while afterwards, now the grass will need to be cut again..  This morning, many hours afterwards the grass was still soaking wet as if it had rained again this morning, the humidity I think.  It was just a bit of rain after all, the level just high enough so I can wait another day or two for more rain before adding water to give more rain a chance to do what the  uncooperative storm started yesterday.  

If I had something to catch the rain off the roof it would have been even better.  Cool air from heaven came with along with memories of you in the  rain and thunder. 

Mail seems to be the biggest problem with my change of location. I have dealt, on paper, with the immediate problems of extending the patents outward without affecting anything immediate.  that is something of a problem on so many levels; but at least I know what I am looking for.

Worked very hard from sunup till 3:30 and was pretty wasted, barely able to deal with calls and emails after that.  no good news.

I swam 1500 yards tonight, just to cool down, the pool was at 87 degrees when I got in.  It won't be long before it is too hot to swim in except in the mornings.  How weird things are.

6.12.22

It is not quite 7, the sun is fairly high in the sky, scortching the air.  I just finished a 2.3 mile walk with the dog aftter getting up around 5:40 and feeding the pets and reheating a quarter cup of coffee so i could have a few swallows before i started, not quite awake; unhappy both with the 80 degree overnight temperatures, my life, and by the end of the walk, this blog.

I no longer have to worry about shock if i jump into the deep end of the pool, it remains above 80 degrees. if there is no rain today, i will have to add water from a hose, the first time today for the summer.

I write it while I walk, eat, sleep; a fantasy, no better than any of the other horrible things spawned by the internet.  I should say it has to end; but it serves a purpose for me.  Now i fear it is a disservice; a fantasy to make an unacceptable reality palatable.

 it looks unlikely that any of the af grants will be pursued.  2, even if there is nothing for the af, is enough for now, i think.  i covered what i wanted to.  there is one more to consider, perhaps, which would work within the time limits, but i'd need to get more input which i doubt i'll see.

more is coming, i dont need to do these to be doing as much as I need for something to happen with those already pending, but there is no telling what is going to happen next if anything.

I fell asleep for a little while yesterday.  was busy, hot, and i "needed to catch up" on sleep after the stress filled days leading up to the grants that were filed.  Having trouble seeing this as I type it, sigh.

Do i wish i could forget your laugh, what you feel like, that I  could be happy that you found what you want without me?  What type of thing am i?

Is there some way to beat this thing?  If I must agree at last that this blog needs to stop, i will leave one more reason for you to feel lucky, I bought this chicken and I made 3 meals from it so far, with two more to go.

Dinner was homemade chicken salad. 

Before assembly. 

Was half a chicken enough for 3 sandwiches this way.  It was really good too; but who wants to be with someone who manages money like this and is so foolish with everything important?

 

The ability to change is here, right now.  I only await the sign I need, i have done so much to make this thing happen.  what a struggle it has been to get where i am now even though i have gotten nowhere in so many ways.

I have to change life to find this thing to look forward to after work, not just writing to noone about nothing.

This only works because i live in a place large enough to always be alone. I'm tired of always needing to be alone.  I embrace isolation even as i reject it. 

61122

Summer heat is here, lows at night in the high 70s, the 80s probably coming.  Swimming is high on the list of exercising although yesterday was an example of basicallly risking electrocution.  That will continue this week; but it is early to start worrying that i will have to go back to the gym.The Hill: HHS report warns of extreme heat risks in coming months.

https://thehill.com/changing-america/sustainability/climate-change/3517379-hhs-report-warns-of-extreme-heat-risks-in-coming-months/

The news is not great, inflation, war (related), treason, things largely eclipsing global warming with more immediate disasters.  I am curious to see what happens next.  There was an interesting story that caught my attention and made me wonder how crazy i was.https://bigthink.com/starts-with-a-bang/another-einstein-or-newton/

If i was like you, i would likely no longer look for calls, emails or faxes.  I suppose the science i have is the indication that i chew on problems long afer it makes sense or maters.  If i was normal like you then i would be looking past the present morass instead of feeling responsible for it.

 I wish i could show you the nature of the trap, the pain that you do not get to experience, so exquisitely terrible and what i wanted to share with you so badly i was willing to sacrifice everything for that.

An animal that chews its own foot off to escape, i can understand that and understand the slow death that follows as that act of bravely slowly seeps out of the severed arteries.

How I love, both a statement and a question, flashes of the past, the weight of the present and watching hope slowly bleeed out of the future.

I  am done with what i have to do for the day although there are a couple of grants to work on if i decide its worth it.  I would be unlikely to get either, but both are exercises in what can be done.

I did the two bike ride/gym weight work out which i finished by 9 which was still hot; but was cool on the parts down hill in the shade and the weight part was in air conditioning and it makes me think about you; so it was nice enough, it was 62im for the day and i dont feel like i need to do more.

I have been thinking about nm, and talking and i have done a lot towards the concept of marketing the book and the model.   while i cannot afford to do that right now, it is a now or never type of thing.  the failure to sell property or get a grant, dare i say yet, weighs heavily on me.

I have showered and dressed for the second time today and i am alone in a quiet house and while i need to look at the work and probably do this one more grant, i am in no hurry. it is 10am

6/10/22

Had some scary time today.

 More work to do but I did the equiv of a one mile swim and with all the im last night after the last of the thunder knowing rain was likely tomorrow.  At 730 pm i felt quite invigorated and there was a focus on some weight bearing upper body to the extent that can be done in the pool.

It was hard catching my breath, the heat of the water and the humidity perhaps but I felt charged afterwards and like despite the worry and stress that I would sleep well. 

Today it was a 2.5 mile walk while a storm brewed in from the west, then 1000 yards, including 800 im (a little over the min) while the sky turned increasingly threatening and the trees whipped about.  That was unsafe; but things here have been beyond miserable and getting hit by lightening would have been a mixed bag, death with peace perhaps.

The dog who is terrified of lightening sensed the need to stay close to the pool so I had a thunder barometer and I had tea for lunch and if life was a bit more dear it would have been a big risk; but it wasn't and this gave me some relief from OD'ing on caffeine. Anyway, it's raining now so I was ahead of that and while I can still feel the effects of too much caffeine and the separation anxiety which has been here for almost a year strangely unabated; i can also benefit from a little privacy and the aftereffects of a minimal swim.

The grant work is done for the immediate present although I am going to do some signal work potentially over the w/e and may look at this other direct to phase 2 concept which is a bridge too far, but it can be qualified to get at least one af mission statement out there; but my concern for this issue is minimal.  If I file nothing more i can get turned down for nothing more, but it is an interesting exercise if it is possible.

I'm stressed out but also exhausted.  I have no choice but to assume the end was here some time ago; but the future remains for the future.

6.9.22 o-fgus

 That appeared mysteriously at the beginning of some work,  a message from the universe but who is us?

Woke at normal 5am ish time; decided around 6 to ride my bike to work to get there and back in advance of the afternoon storms forecast and did that.

Uploaded everything, including significant drafting for the second grant and if I stick with these two I am a collection of button pushes away from having everything filed which is a relief even though there are 6 days left including a weekend.  There is the next provisional to finish which is what I'm doing this afternoon, something that is substantially less from a pressure standpoint; still a lot of work to do which will suggest some changes to the grant filings.

I have an exhaustion that will last my entire life, at least it feels that way. It could just be the heat and humidity. I jumped in the pool after the bike ride which felt good. I'm out of food to eat. It's been an absurdly expensive month or two. I won't recover till after July. There's no immediate relief in sight but I can afford to wait till October before things build up and a lot can happen in those few months. 

What are you doing I wonder.?  Is it wrong for me to think I could fix this if my project started working?

Those are Ukraine colors from the past.  A coincidence or a premonition, it could be either.

6.8.22

 Nothing?

171.8 under what I'd have to call near ideal circumstances and after a 2.5 mile walk this morning, this time before the sun came up. Even as early as it was,  dark with the planets clear in the sky when I started it was hot and muggy and I didn't make it easy. 

Not by much, I suspect, but managed to beat the maintenance people.

I have one of the two grants at the point where there is nothing left to do other than some button pushing, although I may update the paperwork some, maybe not.

The other, well I did the auido that may or may not be usable in the system, there are some alternatives there.

It took half a day and will probably take another half day for the second one which will be on the agenda for tomorrow.

I have a lot to consider in connection with these things.  There are other tons of work to do, some of which i did today and some of which i did not.

I need someone like you who i can talk to; there are things to say at the end of a day like today.

I should have swam, but earlier the weather seemed threatening and now it is late.  i did some upper body stuff, but not nearly enough.

It is peaceful, the pool is clear blue and there is a gentle breeze.  I am lost.

6.7.22

 Time grows extremely short although I have made progress with the drafts and have something which can be filed although the additional forms are not prepared which is likely a day's work and the budget while roughed out is not ready.  There is an opportunity to pursue one more, but it is not likely; even getting the two that are ready filed is going to push things.

I rode my bike to work, the sun was just coming up and it was cool and not bright except when the sun was free of the trees.  It was a short ride there, after a massive but very short storm it was a harder ride back.  It was not much, 8 miles, maybe 47 IM.

Afterwards I swam an easy 2000 yards, didn't get any IM for that and probably didn't deserve but a few.

7 hours and 20 minutes of sleep although i was rested, drank way too much tea, the reason even after the hot ride back I felt I needed to swim.

i witnessed someone (a friend) totally lose their cool today, it was a little scary, but I cant say more about it here.  I suppose everyone is on edge.

I was beset by terrible self doubts on the ride back, life lost much of whatever is left.  I wish we could talk, but we cannot because I cannot...reset.  I suppose to keep emotion out of it, that is the best i can do.

I do not like the ukraine situation.  It looks very much like the Ukrainian army may be surrounded.  While I understand the sentiments, it is unlikely the help needed will arrive in time and if that happens, the south will likely fall too.  I do not know what I would do in the situtation; i am not a general.

it is the war, the economy, the election, the problems with my project despite its promise, the lack of news and the inevitable news, the risks being taken, the waiting for things, the new deadline that looms and getting ready for it, its everything; its being away from what i love.

6.6.22 getting personal

 Purgatory. 

https://youtu.be/KgwqQGvYt0g - on school police (john oliver)

The temperature among other things seems right.  I woke at 527 which is a little late for me and sprung up, the dog was willing to get up without snapping at me and we were on the road by just after 530, trying to get a 3 mi walk in before the sun came up.  It was bright despite the earlyhour and off the hill the sun may well have already been peaking about the horizon.

despite walking, showering, coffee and a fast breakfast it is only 715 and i worked hard this weekend so getting in at 8 is not an issue for me this morning, so i am going to drink my coffee and spend a few minutes with the dog.

This shows the sunlight, the yellow and blue, at the top of the trees at the top of the hill near the end of the walk from the slowly waking golf course. 

By the end of the walk it was several hands high and the first signs of life had already started work at the golf course which I had hoped to beat and would have done so if i had started  in that direction.  I managed to stay away, however and the hour long walk for the day is now behind me and only the top huff of the trees nearby are fully lit even though i have already had my shower and bowl of cereal.

The pool is clear despite the black algae embedded at certain points in the sides and even though i did not put in the clarifier yet which i need to tend to this morning once the  pump starts, it is early for that also.  Staying on top of things means minimizing but not eliminating chemicals and the results are gratifying, particularly right now and when i swim and can see the bottom to orient my swims.

I am going to publish this now, before it is finished or edited because there is a small chance that you will see it and though i have not watched it i think that john oliver clip may come up in your day and that is all i think about.

A few words seem precious. They aren't. It's a reality based future I want. Double life is not a life, it's half a life. 

Today I am doing time in a prison I built a long time ago.  I thought it had crumbled years ago but it is strong built on comprises. In the face of the whirlwind I had no idea it could stand up and maybe if I wasn't so old and tired and beaten up things would be different. If I'm going to find a path forward it's going to be in new mexico  I suppose and so far that has with stood my efforts. Why couldn't we have stuck with it?  Would that have made a difference and at what ultimate price.  I have wondered at the deviations we both choose.  I took a lot of punishment and dealt out a lot of pain and in the end it left the prison battered but surprisingly there. Sometimes the walls seem ready to fall but they never do. Breaking out means going back to the desert, alone this time I guess,  scary remote and filled with potential to turn parole into freedom from all the past,  perhaps even the part that means more than life to me. 

POLITICO: Can you take us through the profile of mass shooters that emerged from your research?

Peterson: There’s this really consistent pathway. Early childhood trauma seems to be the foundation, whether violence in the home, sexual assault, parental suicides, extreme bullying. Then you see the build toward hopelessness, despair, isolation, self-loathing, oftentimes rejection from peers. That turns into a really identifiable crisis point where they’re acting differently. Sometimes they have previous suicide attempts.

What’s different from traditional suicide is that the self-hate turns against a group. They start asking themselves, “Whose fault is this?” Is it a racial group or women or a religious group, or is it my classmates? The hate turns outward. There’s also this quest for fame and notoriety.

POLITICO: You’ve written about how mass shootings are always acts of violent suicide. Do people realize this is what’s happening in mass shootings?

Peterson: I don’t think most people realize that these are suicides, in addition to homicides. Mass shooters design these to be their final acts. When you realize this, it completely flips the idea that someone with a gun on the scene is going to deter this. If anything, that’s an incentive for these individuals. They are going in to be killed.

It’s hard to focus on the suicide because these are horrific homicides. But it’s a critical piece because we know so much from the suicide prevention world that can translate here.

6522

 It is almost 6.  Yesterday at this time i was getting ready to walk the dog; but i am moving a little more slowly this morning.  The weight of separation which should be a thing of the distant past weighs upon me as if events only happened yesterday and I do not understand this.  I am looking at NM which means a year has gone by, almost; and yet everything seems fresh today, the supurious wound, still fresh and uninfected, bleeding out, a fatal thing of real and imaginary elements.

It has been a year since right here right now there is no other place i want to be, https://youtu.be/2rlQqWbp7rY

I have the first grant more ready than it was before; but events tore me away from it even as it was entering its final stages of being ready for 3rd party review.  Next week, not with a lot of extra time, i should be ready to file it.

The responses i needed for the unsolicited one are coming now.  That is reassuring, at least to have a response that a response will be coming and timely.

That leaves the question of picking at least one of the several that remain open to put together based on what has been done already; not so much development of yet another new science or application or whatever i am doing.

Almost as soon as those are finished, i will move on to the other programs, geology and biology in this case.  There is this intake quesstion which is perineally put off which makes going to NM more significant in one case and problematic in the other.

July 15. I am  trying to pin things down with that date as a target; but for the moment I am waiting to see if this is even a possibility at the moment.  Even so, there are a dozen roadblocks, the big cases perhaps being the biggest practical one since it should come at a time between other deadlines; staying in that remote location without the limited companionship and protection of the dog being another.  Hiking in the blistering desert without the dog has its own problems which are several and hard to put into words.  And even the concept of doing this may fall apart for several reasons.

Writing things down allows me to forget them for a while.

I will come back to this later.

https://youtu.be/wy8Ge-VnNMI

You could give your thoughts on this lunch,  that's yogurt not sour cream. After a 5 mile bike ride I was hungry and this is what was available.  I  bake a full pack of bacon all at once and then it takes me a month or 2 to use to flavor stuff. 

Everything is quiet and I expect that to last through till tomorrow. I finished the slides so that is in review but I have to finish the second application and pick a third and then it's on to filling yet another provisional and the grants so it's going to be a crazy busy week. 

I'm tired after lunch and I worked through the morning. I still want what I cannot ask for.  Things have gotten very quiet. 

This is my last note for today.   I meditated through the tired part of the day and reorganized the 35 page ni battery spec so it's very close to being fileable,  it could be which would allow me to finish the publication where I found one more change I'd like to make in the book but it's not critical. 

It's still pretty early,  got some good news on getting the info I need for the open topic, so I'm primed for next week.  1) finish the spec document for provisional filing, 2) set up the open topic,  3) pick out the third topic from the list of possible opportunities  and finish as circumstances allow. 

That plus everything else I have to do will fill the week. 

6.4.22

 Only 11 days left.  The book is published, although not for sale.  As early as next week the marketing may be begun; but there is work on the grants for now.

I did not receive responses that i need for the second one, but finishing the first remains the target for this weekend.

It is saturday at 530am, i have been up for around 45 minutes, maybe closer to an hour, hard to remember.

It is already warm outside.  I am hoping to walk in 20 minutes so that i can think about swimming later today.

I would argue that in terms of the current grant it is mostly an editing job.  As far as the book goes, it is just a matter of clicking a button or two to make it available.  The goal is to have the grant finished by Monday morning and to begin at least one more; hopefully have the info to finish the polymer one.  It would be nice to have some additional responses; but we will have to see.

Progress and stepping back seem to go hand in hand with this project.  i have manufacturing lined up for the grant i am working on, i have team targets with universities and people working on those.  I figured out magnetic repulsion.

I have the NM thing lined up on the one hand and cant even really think about it on the other because, after all, whether I am in or out I have to save the world and pursue my project.  This month, in a mere 16 days the process begins in earnest; i suppose it is a good thing that my book is finished!  This was just a personal thing, but now that i look at the dates, it is just in time.

An application or product idea that fits into one or more of our 5 technology areas:

advanced materials, AI & advanced computing, biotechnology, space systems, or energy transition.

Intention to transition your technology into a product.

 Early customer discovery and interest in your solution.

 Ability to commit to New Mexico LEEP for two years.

 Relocate to New Mexico for the two-year program duration or longer.

 Recommended that your technology development matches with New Mexico’s national laboratory expertise. Contact us to if you need help discovering which capabilities and focus areas match your innovations.

Application Dates 2023 (TBA)

APPLICATIONS OPEN:MARCH , 2023 APRIL, 2023

 2022 Selection Timeline

June 20-July 1, 2022: Virtual Interviews Scheduling

Applicants are interviewed by a panel of staff, advisors and subject matter experts.

July 12-August 29, 2022: Alignment Workshop/Semi-Final Scheduling

Selected applicants are paired with national laboratory researchers to determine synergy for collaboration.

September 12-13, 2022: Final Pitch Days Finalists present to our Strategic Leadership Council, reviewers, and staff for final selection.

Fall, 2022: Cohorts Announced Announcement includes press release, bios and project description. January, 2023: Fellows Onboarding

So between 62022 and 7122 the first decision making will begin which will not end for everyone before September; it could well end for me when nothing is scheduled which would, of course, be a travesty; but there have been no shortage of those.  When you are doing something as weird as this (a photon source of sufficient size sends them in every direction because the universe within the middle section is so evenly wound up from every side from repeated windings and unwindings based of the quantum equation at the source of the denominator of pi solutions and folding of ct1 into ct2 (and beyond) that it appears that it is unwinding evenly, carrying these photons with it, in every direction evenly despite the probability that ultimately it is flattened due to the building and unbuilding of dimensions at the edges) and such as that which brings me and us to this strange point in time which is so monumental, but so irrelevant under the circumstances.

It is now 7:11am and I finished the 2.4 something mile walk.  The sun was already threatening when I started an hour before, so it was in large patches assaulting me on the way back, up the steep hill; but through the beginning and most of the walk, it was fairly cool and certainly better than the 90s that wait in the evening and I have my exercise for the day, although I will likely swim later after dealing with the grant things that remain to be done this weekend.

I will publish this and I will return later, perhaps to edit it.

Since I did a fair amount of yard work and at least minimal cleaning at the office this week...and because I cleaned up a lot of my technical work...

Swam 2000 yrds, not anything to write home about, did the im (2x400; 1x200) no more and was pretty tired at that; but did two days of impact type exercise, weight baring variety although bike riding by itself apparently isn't.  If it rains tomorrow, I could take the day off; not that it will.

I finished the first draft of the short first application part and sent it off for comments, hope to finish the second part.  Publications are teed up for the 15th; lots to do between now and then, still 11 days and no response on what I was hoping to see yesterday.  no response on NM either and i wonder at how different that could be.  Got some numbers, but not enough.

6.3.22 The thick plottens

 short 1500 swim to cool off.  before that sawed off low hanging branches that were affecting parking at the office and at the lot for sale borrowed an axe and cut out off several of the choking vines, these were pretty signficant but not sure how much life there was in all of them.

I did a 2.25 mile walk and between the swim and the walk blew past the minimum im for the week.  I was tired for the yard work before both, but even though the swim was short, i did the im part, albeit in 200s instead of 400s.

Some limited outreach from nm both in terms of housing and in terms of getting work done and maybe even a ray of hope in the publishing area.  we will have to wait and see how that goes.

I woke at 4, but did not get up till  4:30 troubled by thoughts of capacitors which i had to write down for this next grant thereby solving the last problem that needed to addressed.  How to speed up efficiency of the same.

It is 5:15 now, took that long to write everything up.  I probably got enough sleep.  The cats decided to eat in waves this early in the morning so i have been up and down, puttig down and picking up bowls in the hope that all of them will have something to eat and i wonder if it would make a huge difference if they were all fed in a single bowl.  I have become you to some extent, in my case without wanting to be there, the worse person.

I should have some thoughts on NM by the end of the day today; for now i just want to enjoy my coffee and wonder about what is waiting out there.  i had to deal with all the emotive talk of suicide yesterday which is very painful and manipulative; but it is the thing which i let work so it is my fault if it is a problem.  If the change in location helps witht that what does it cost in terms of isolation?  It worked fairly well last time until, well i will not cast blame because we both know there is plenty to go around and mostly from me.

520 and sirens are going off around here, i wonder what is happening.

It is late in the day now.  In the heat i rode to the gym and did the weight workout and back and in so many ways i am exhausted now.  

NM popped up so  fast I have not had time to process it yet.  Publishing went sideways, perhaps for the best; but there is no plan at the moment, only a plan to plan./ The easy route is often the hardest for me.

The sky has light even though the sun is down, there is a curved band of clouds high in the sky that looks too unnatural to exist, but it is there.

Would any of this be easier if things for us had not gone sideways, i wonder.  With the right information, at least i will know what to do next but i have no idea how to think of it this evening and even if i did, i think i am too tired.

Apparently the old need to eat sea squirts, it sounds awful, but then I have no idea what i am talking about and even though it is a little early, i want to go to sleep.  Only around 6 hours last night and i have no reason to believe tonight will be better. It will be a busy weekend and time grows short.

6.2.22

 Last night after the fair swim (nothing great since the cardiovascular near death swims at 6000 feet which irritates me to think about as I write here) there was significant lightening and thunder so it was good that i swam when i did (weather was beautiful with whispy clouds that made the backstroke more interesting); but the evening would have discouraged non-suicidal swimming.

I had a terrible nights sleep.  I attribute it to many factors, the least the desire to get up and write to you, but nevertheless after a fairly long morning it is still dark outside although the air is full of bird sounds.

The news was disturbing, the fall of a devastated city in Ukraine, Incompetence stacked on top of a legislative session which deals with everything but the problem after children were killed in texas, and i am surprisingly disturbed by the depp heard result although i know nothing of the facts except portions of the closing argument and even understand the result.  Why did these things bother me so much, obviously wathcing world war iii unfold is disturbing, that makes sense, in another world perhaps texas would be our children andin a way, while i dont see the whole military weapons thing; i do believe that our government is bad enoughthat we must be armed lest it overstep its boundaries and as i mentioned i know almost nothing, understand and have no stake in the heard thing.  Still, you wanted to know what bothered me so much and i could say i continually woke up thinking about you also and that would not be a lie although it did not seem to be what eventually got me up for good. I was up at least 10 times last night, i am not tired.

The drone war, we get closer to a situation where the people lose their place of preeminece of the battlefield.  An expensive war of technology, the world war c which comes next and which kept me awake before missing what i cared most about, a selfish sleeplessness replacing one motivated by things i dont understand. A war which you can watch in real time on television, one where papers sit in bins unread and unwanted; i was born in the wrong time.

It is early, but I have things to do.

Work.  I am so close to being finished with the edits of the NPTE that I could likely publish it this week.  Not so much with the battery application and I have not even started refining the open topic fiberglass although on both i am waiting for feedback from others and i have to do more design work.  To some extent the book thing boils down to consolidating drawings, there are too many loose ends despite the improving models.

It is getting lighter outside

6.1.22 note for the health files

This because you don't have time to read all the dreck I see. 

https://www.thedailybeast.com/alzheimers-brain-damage-could-be-repaired-with-experimental-bms-984923-oral-drug

https://www.thedailybeast.com/alzheimers-brain-damage-could-be-repaired-with-experimental-bms-984923-oral-drug?source=science&via=rss

Maybe that doesn't mean anything, I think I could probably do it.

I did swim, 2000 yds with a little extra im, but nothing of consequence.  The only thing which varied this was doing three strokes of frog (breast stroke) swimming for every breath which makes the workout a little harder (a lot harder for me) a little longer and a little more realistic in terms of tying a tied off swim to a lap pool swim.

The temp was 82, didn't take long at all to warm up and no real shock even though it felt cold when I first got in  and the sun was out so I think I got plenty of that during the swim even though I don't need it.  I note that in line with what i said in the earlier post that the shallow end was in the shade and I have everything still set up so i could have swam in the shade with limited inconvenience.

I also did some fence repair today which was not complicated but needed to be done.

There is a great amount I would add to this, but I need to get this article out there and tomorrow is another day and not too far off.

6.1.23

 June made it here before the first gulf storm of the hurricane season, albeit not by much, before i made progress with my project that i need, before i heard from NM, and at a uniquely settled and unsettled point in my life.

I still have not seen any of these property sales that need to happen nor have i taken the next and now very important step in the virtualization of my office.  There are a slew of what i would call minor financial deadlines in October and the book I need to publish with its raft of corrections, fixing the sharing view of these 5 unit items which i need to consider in light of the newest drawings.

It is 6am, up for 30 minutes and dawn is well advanced, the pool is clear but with a certain darkness which speaks to either the chlorine level or the ever patient algae that now has taken over a significant patch (5-10%) of the wall.  250.00 worth of paint and i can fix this problem myself at least for some period of time, probably need to stick with white which means some sanding and some plaster repair which i need to study up on before i take it on and that is a winter project even though the current situation requires constant vigilance because it is a two or 3 week fix at least and i am swimming regularly to maintain my mental health.  I tell myself, if i sell the house first, it becomes someone else s problem and i wait.

My "iclwy" scale has dropped considerably despite what you might think.   This may be attributed to many things, exhaustion coupled with old age, an increasingly cynical view of the universe tied to my math (i would not want anyone to have to see the universe as clearly as I do, it takes so much of the fun out of it), and the ravages of time both to us and to me.  It hovered forever between 7 and 10, although numerically impossible it was certainly above 10 when i was getting the initial science down and my world was collapsing around me which it ultimately did not, although i guess it did in its own way.  Now the c changes sometimes getting close to changing from the negative to the positive moving between 6 and 8, i suppose, a simmering regret; instead of a constant pain, an intermittent pain.

I will come back to this, i want to drink my coffee and check on what promises to be a long and trying day.

Yesterday was a low exercise day.  I was ready to swim but the weather turned even as the pool temperature rose to an almost too comfortable 82 degrees; this is the evening thunderstorm problem which accompanies summer along with the pool temperature problem which required i provide an alternative tie in location on the opposite side of the pool which gets shade at a different time.  I did walk 1.5 miles so the dog did not suffer, but I don't feel like I kept up with things like I need to.

Time passes.