day 31 an old man on a bench

 I am so smart i figured out a key piece of magnetism repulsion after woke but before I got out of bed only to pour my coffee grounds into the cup instead of a filter.  Fortunately, I caught the mistake before adding water so nothing was lost.

I am exhausted, stressed, behind in my work and surrounded by people with covid.  The bloggotboggeddownwith work. 

Time to stop blogging work for a while in so much detail. It is not giving up much, i  hope to drop it.

That is the view where the old man sat on his 3 mile walk, too short; but i got 90 im compared to the 27 i got for a 4.5 mile walk which was more intense.  The watch is not good.  Tonight I think i have to rest my eyes.

If you figured out something in the sleep was it really you, or all the ghosts that made you what you are?  This is retorical because the majority of the figuring was as I lay awake in bed mulling over the view of the process possible and what it showed and what it did not show.  While still only a theory in many ways, it appears to be one that is solid, useful, and follows the observation.

It's already a busy day, I need to stop "figuring things out" long enough to finish something.

Day 30 4 months and 4 days

All this for an audience of one.   I have to wonder why stress about the patents?

This insanity matches my own. The magnetism thing has taken on something of a life of its own in my mind as it has jello d as a concept. It's very strange how do I use it.

I could be free now to have a life, but that is not for me, because I asked to much. If only I could blame someone else. 

Repulsion, the picture of things is like a curtain opening, it's not a huge jump I don't know why I didn't see it before and I don't understand why no one looked for it or how the could have missed but on average walk on day 29 I saw it clearly or if not clearly then certain in concept. does it explains the transfer to electricity because it is so powerful?

How can you do this to me, take this enormous thing and make it meaningless. You have a level of subtle arrogance. I wish I could leave for the desert tomorrow and begin death without you, find what is missing but while I solved this problem I did not finish 70 pages or even 35, I finished 6.  And I've stacked the cip issue on top of the other work I need to do. Tomorrow I'll have to do better. How strange and how difficult and wonderful and terrible. 

I want to come me back from the dead but I can't because I know what I am and I cannot even sleep for my compulsions and I hate all of you for having a life without me. 

It is evening now.

Time is so very short. I did manage to get through all but the last few pages of the first document, took a break to swim, 2150 with all of the im, surprising since I was not sure I'd be able to swim 1000 when I left.  I struggled through the first thousand, then did the first im and went on autopilot, a huffy and puffy autopilot, needing to stop at the 150 mark in both long ims to take a few breaths.  I still use you to force myself to do this, silly.

The plan for now is to start entering the surprising, but not so surprising corrections, leaving the longer document for later, possibly never, in the editing process, but it is something I can work on without a computer so there is that.

I've started putting in the edits, managed to get a few pages done in 30 minutes, so it seems like only a few hours work, I should probably time it.  The swimming is beginning to catch up with me.  That I have the first 8 pages finished is good, even though only 5 of them were just done, the first few were the most complex.  The margin contains the phrase, "who is the monster."

I'm done for the night, it's going fast making the changes but the lighting was not good and my eyes hurt so I finish tomorrow. I'm half way, there is still numbering and reconciliation and Filing questions to look into. But I should be able to get enough done and tomorrow will likely start early. 

Days pass never to be seen again. 

Day 29-the rules are hard to follow, but I think I understand

It is the afternoon, so I'm writing this a little backwards.  I walked over 4 miles but received under 30 intensity minutes which is strange since my watch is usually overly generous.  I'm three times the weekly goal, so it doesn't matter so much but its a little inexplicable.

I am pretty far from a tough goal for today, to finish both documents, maybe drawings at least in paper form.  I have spent some time with the claims this morning, and here at the last minute added some clarity to the concept of magnetism.  It was also a weird solution, the rules of this place are hard to understand.

https://fb.watch/aRpw5m3fAl/ 

Fortunately, the claims are the same for both.  Got sort of weird lucky, suggesting the old machine print the claims and turns out it had a paper tray with a4, go figure.  At 16/extra page at starting at 35 plus the drawings, that part does not worry me too much for the short document.  I am counting on 15 extra max; but its a relatively small number and the concept is to just drive a stake in the ground. IP is where the new program starts; i should be able to give some insight there.  Where will I be, that is the big question.  I need to do the next step in the mail process; I wish I could sell that property faster, but I suppose I have to be ready to wait a year or two; maybe forever.

I made myself stay up and slept a little later, till 5:30am this morning.  The coffee was particularly good for some reason, perhaps the right proportions, a slight easing of the pressure.

I feel fairly good about exercise this week, you can tell its not quite as good as I would like it to be; today would be a swim day and its pretty cold, but that just means the pool likely wouldn't be crowded, but I walked.  Last swim there were a fair number of people and at the end while I still had a lane to myself, there was someone one lane over which i have tried to avoid, covid/omicron.

Life may or may not get a lot more interesting.  right now I feel like the weirder parts of me are being ignored; you are not the only one who sees me as dead.  The next month is going to require a finish to multiple grants so it will not be slow.   On the bright side, the work I am finishing this weekend is the same work that will focused the rest of the month. I put together the first draft of the internal press release.

AuT, the science of CWI, has been accepted into the government/DOE sponsored program.  The program is geared to advances like this one and I hope there was a fairly rigorous review of  the science before the invitation was extended, I am testing the limits of that review.  The program not only provides training and guidance in all phases of go to market, but it provides resources and is a pathway into the National Lab system.  

In terms of the science, the focus over the past 4 months has been on electromagnetism and apparently one of the grant loi(s) prepared in connection with that has been found to be responsive; although the issues with the other 3 could be because of the limited space in an LOI.  In practical terms, this is something of getting back to the roots of the science, starting with a fairly pure physics, taking a radical, unexpected and deep transition into chemistry which lasted for a year, short forays into geology and practical application development (the perenial target) and now moving back into the more fundamental sciences with a focus on how to improve results over a wide range of areas where electromagnetic phenomena play a role, storage (batteries primarily), generation, and for the first time some focus on transmission.

The third edition of the NPTE has been ignored except to make the more obvious corrections; but the newer patents which are the subject of the weekend, include disclosure that will be easy to transfer to the grants.  Another goal is to get a class and turn the third edition into a text book suitable for classrooms and organized in that fashion which assumes a lot of success, but logically follows what is happening in terms of the increasing recognition of the model which has not gone mainstream, but is one step closer.

It isn't all good news.  I did not get an interview with the last direct program, perhaps this blog may play a role in those types of decisions; but accepting where I am and what I'm saying I think keeping the history of events from my perspective, dare I say ours, is more important than catering to the snobs, pc police, and others who are not quite as far in the stream of universal consciousness as I am.  It would, of course, be much worse if I was not in another program and I understand that acceptance is probably due as much to the desperation of a new program to snag onto something of potential, but not fully accepted science compared to the other programs that have more money and probably more applicants.  Again, I am thankful not just for the willingness to take a chance by CG, but that the universe threw me a bone which I need occasionally to keep going.

Very soon I should find out what happens next.  I am waiting for a roadmap that hasn't come yet.  Isn't that life?

DAY 28

Its friday at 5 am and the section that woke me this morning is typed in.

Owl-Bear-Turkey, the new Mexico question,  will you come with me. That's a rhetorical question,  you won't even know. 

It's exciting it answered a tough question and it threatens to plot a path. I've pushed back but only for what I think will make it better for me and the program. 

not a bad week,  over 200im today, a long walk and two short bike rides that could have been one trying to beat the cold weather.   The drawings are selected pretty much, perhaps 50 percent edits with the spec which now has one more read through in printed format. I need to show discipline and focus only boring what needs to go where.   Each document is only 35 or so pages now. The claim one 35 pages. The drawings perhaps 12 or so, mostly black and white as required. 

It's only 730, there's a lot of editing to do on the claims even a cursory look tells me.

I stopped,  brain shut down and I need to be clear headed. The goal is to have it all ready and filled Monday morning,  another weekend of constant work but hopefully a mostly numbering and mopping up. We'll see, invention is always hovering at the edges. 

I did plan to work some tonight but the exercise, the early morning conspire against it.   Did a lot, maybe enough for one day. It's fairly file able, except the claims which can be cut back. I'm ready to focus beyond this. 

I hate these cold nights,  I could love them too.

Day 27 (Th)

 I slept late, it is almost 6.  the cats are eating noisely, they like it when i get up earlier.  It is cold and dark still.  Not sure why I was able to sleep so well. I cannot remember my dreams clearly although I know I dreamt a lot last night.  Perhaps they will come back to me, perhaps they will be lost forever. I do not think I dreamed any physics and that is whre I will be focused today.

The goal of the day is to pick the drawings to keep and get them numbered correctly.  there are 10 pages to go over, but those are secondary to the rest.  There will be reordering, I have the order laid out in the short document, so the long document will have an introduction of sorts, the newest version of the summary along with the pictures, some very updated and new, that go along wih it; then the sections that go with the new documents, taking the pictures and checking the numbering, and inserting them.  If there is time afterward, they will be reduced to black and white.  I will then send them out for an esimate, but that is probably not going to happen.  It will then be for tomorrow, with luck, to put the finishing touch on the claims that will be used, those that exist and those that need to be done and then, perhaps file the US version as early as Friday, likely Monday and on Tuesday, truely getting to the last minute, the pct; although I could easily get something filed earlier if need be, probably not today because of the drawings, but possibly tomorrow.

I see the long document I am starting on 37 of 47 and with the 25 of the short document, the whole thing without all the drawings is 72 pages which gives all the leeway I need and it will likely get shorter although there is much to deal with.

I am still driving stakes in the ground.

You are certainly asking yourself, is the effort of writing to someone who is not there, the time spent not better used on getting the documentation ready.  Be reminded this is a monument to you and nothing else.  It may be the most important work of physics ever written if it is right, and mathematically it must be right, but it is nothing more than that, done for a reason that no longer matters, that we could be together as equals.

Well I am into three fairly prestigious programs, 2 on the west coast, one in virgina.  Busy, busy.  Where is the money, however?  I think both of the west coast programs have pipelines to cash, too slow.

I am at page 6 of 38 in the long document having already dealt with the initial drawing programs in the short document so that looks a lot like half way to me.  I have a good pattern and while I need to take a break, probably to swim, I'd say tomorrow i can knock this out to the extent I'll have two drafts which can be filed, maybe not perfect, but fileable.  Will probably have to pay, under 200.00, extra to file the short document, but that is probably necessary given my state of mind.

I was not finished with the drawings and there are some issues with disclosure that I am working on .  There is the question of properly defining antennae, by way of example.

I am in the cerg program.  I have this save the world science and maybe it is being recognized. Are you really going to make me go back to new mexico without you?  I know that answer already exists, but it is unbelievable.  I am trying to save the whole world, including for, well for whoever.  Dont  you owe me this, of course not. 

I could  have gone on otherwise, but you created this as much as me, because it required the back story that you wrote, you have stolen what?  A soul, mine?  this has always been a mirror held up to you, dedicated to you, would you kill it? of course you already did, did you not.  I know you can have whatever you want and you don't need me like I need you,  so one step in front of the other, it is all i can do, it is all i have been doing. 

Swam 1850 yards today, all the im, it was not a terrible workout, only 30 intensity minutes which is still silly, but it was done.  What a wild day, I needed the swim to deccompress and I feel better for that.

Day 26 a critical day now passing

I dreamed of waiting to play golf, playing carelessly with money in a diner, and spilled glue last night; among other things.  While I only got around 6 hours of sleep the night before according to my watch, I felt I slept much more last night though i was up a lot and finally got up to reheat coffee shop coffee a little after 5, still dark and cold; but later.  In the distance I hear cars accelerate and think with a nostalgic fear of the loneliness of the desert, the nearly empty far away highway, the loud coyotes at night.  There are quiet coyotes here who have found places to live between houses. 

I had a memory of when I was younger and I kept a very simple bug out kit, mostly just a knife.  I was a strange kid, who thought the world would end long before now, although perhaps those days will come back again.

Today I have meetings, my focus needs to be on getting through the long document, maybe even isolating the drawings and getting a start on editing them.  If I could do at least the first, then the work of the rest of the week will be simplified, I think. I have to remember that I am at the infancy in this work, but that the broad patents are no longer something to worry about this month, February will be here in a few days, these patents will be filed for better or worse, grants will take my focus, and it will be time to move on to other things.  FEMA, for example, needs a follow up demand, the forever quiet.

I wish I could ask you to change your mind, to understand something that I could explain; but there is no such thing, so I wonder how dating is going.  No, I wonder if it is truly too late.  I almost tried it, dating that is. Certainly had a window of opportunity although the timing wasn't good for me.   Still hoping for a miracle I suppose.  Not sure what I would have done with it, things were always easy with you. We are right, good for each other, but we are not.  You are never out of my mind.  What does that mean?

I needed you to do this and I need you now, that is different than having you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBV8CU3Ag40

My indiscretion kept me from the only thing that mattered to me, is anything more important than that?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUvo8jKy6ww

And I wouldn't watch the clip if you haven't seen the movie.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9KGqYXjKM0

The calm app is a strange thing.  I almost considered downloading it, but not yet.

I do not know what i plan on doing now.  I am thinking I will wait and see where I am called to act.  I took some action relative to selling this old house again, things are moving too slowly with my work, there is nothing happening with things like FEMA, the property being sold is under way at least, although signs have been ordered and not put in place.  I hope something happens quickly there, but there are signs of war and inflation on the horizon; the only short term things are these unlikely grants; things which should be very likely but have been illusive and which i have to get to in earnest as soon as I can finish the project which has taken so much of my time and overlapped portions of that work.

There is more detail in what i am doing, but i suppose the theme is electromagnetism and in the final edits i hope to tie up what is loosely done already.  There is a part of that which is uncertain, tantilizingly close, but not quite there.  Since the Poynting is so close in what is drawn has to be retrieved from the same reservoir.    This reservoir can be targeted.  I have what i would have to call a theory based on observation instead of the hard facts i need.

I am 10 pages away from the end of the long document which is shorter by perhaps 10 pages and I could almost skip the remaining edits or even delete those pages but a short time going through them will not hurt anything. I need to drain and refill the hot tub when it is warmer tomorrow as I've added a little to much bromine but that is a very short process although it won't be hot for hours afterwards.   The more important task is to finish the drawings. I have time now to get them professionally edited if I can finish them Tomorrow although a large part of this morning was taken up with just 4.

I'm stoked a little,  things are not going better but I had good feedback,  at least one of the 4, well 1 of the 4 doe grant Lois was apparently responsive and one for which my work is well suited and I feel pretty confidant that something usable can be filed,  maybe this week which will buy me a couple of months of breathing room. Perhaps the future will come together just a little bit if such a thing exists without you.

It's late enough I need to relax and start thinking about dinner. 

day 25 getting close

     Well I have spent nearly an hour getting my computer up and running, getting close.  Why I do not know.  I will save my personal stuff for later as I have some.

At least now it is beginning to look like a computer.  It may end up being time to get a new computer.  While inadequate, I have a couple of backup systems that I could bring on, but I hope nothing happens in the short time left.

I have another potential invitation to new mexico, perhaps a sign i should finish what I started.  If i go it will be in the summer hot, snakes, perhaps i could take on a companion this time.  Not even sure where I would look, but if i had made any progress on my work, perhaps i would want to.  right now i do not feel like i am ready for anything other than dealing with my own internal darkness.

  I am now a mere 4 pages away from the end of the short document, much cleaners, now down to 28 pages so under the limit by quite a bit, still a little short of the claims and some that are included are far too long, but in terms of filable, I'd say for where I am here I am 4 pages away.

I am not happy because there is no word on the two possible grants which will come any day now.  I have low expectations and I do not have the incentive to continue without them.  I have taken steps to deal with the few remaining financial obligations that I have this week and I feel the odds of that occurring this year are good, not great but good.

I just finished 2000 yards, 1000 im, not a terrible clip, not great but glad I could finish after a half heavy, half salad lunch that sat in my stomach like a brick but which I was able to largely ignore as I was just that relieved to have the semi-usable draft.  I added another bit which may already be in there but which I've thought of a couple of time and pretty sure I only added for the first time just now.  It is inherent in a lot of what I am doing, but it was good to insert in and having 5 extra pages I can use is good considering the scope of things and I may pick up another page when the drawings migrate to a separate document.  There is a good day's worth of cad work renumbering things, but that process is already started and need not be as burdensome as it sounds.

I'll come back to this, right now with the time I have left today I want to look at the longer document and see if I can get to the halfway mark before I go to sleep tonight.

It started pretty well, but the swim is catching up, as is the rest of the work of the day.  I did get to page 18, cleaning up a lot in the few pages tackled, and while there remain 63 pages total, it is easier to get through it with the level of organization present in the short document as a reference.  There is more terminology to deal with, more to include in what i call KFE in the claims; but that will have to wait till after the edits, for now I am merely marking the key sections, some to be included bodily in the shorter document, some conceptually, some where key terms need to be borrowed.

My office is fully armed, as it were, and given that I feel fairly comfortable that I could leave it for an extended period of time although I do still need a long term plan for mail.

I have not heard from Virginia, although the side project that is likely outside of Virginia should progress without too much work from me over the next week, all the more reason to stop for now and come back when I'm finished with the short document and can pick up the long document again.

There are still rough edges and half a day of formatting, but the short document most recent and largely fileable edit is finished and comes in at 25 pages.

The longer document is at 63 pages without many of the drawings, but accepting that most of those are unnecessary, there is an 88 page document with most of the drawing internalized and with 12 pages of additional drawings possible if need be.  While I am starting only on page 15 of the longer document, given the less precise nature of the disclosure, it could probably be filed as a provisional, I am in a good place going into the last few days and feel like I can take a break to swim which I'd need after lunch anyway.

It is just after 2:00, a good day's work.  It doesn't change my concern about my ability to continue the project, but I have a few actual products, some too big to start with, but a couple that can be done with a relatively small grant that would have significant value.  I've gotten to page 21 of 63 in the longer document.  To do this I have accepted the drawings as being adequate, knowing I'll have to go back and correct and consolidate them or change the disclosure to eliminate them; but that has always been part of the process, to minimize and consolidate the concepts, the disclosure of them and the drawings.  The fewer drawings, the less work in correcting them, so I'll set that process aside for the moment.

That I am 1/3 of the way through is a good start given that this document is not critical and can, if necessary, be filed with some errors at this stage as long as the disclosure is sufficiently complete and the necessary corrections few enough to shorten the prosecution.  I cannot today afford to worry about what I will not have to face for at least 6 months and perhaps over a year from now and perhaps then not alone, hopefully not alone.

The swimming is catching up with me, 2000 yards with 1000 im and not as bad as I feared it would be; but the progress is good even if the time is short.  I need another day at least as good as today tomorrow and I can knock out everything but the figures in the longer document, then come back to those.  I have those printed out and organized, at least; so it will be easier to find and check them, the first item of business being to decide what to keep and what to take out.

I have finished teh day.  It is still early, almost 7.  I want to go to bed, not to sleep.  i suppose there is evidence that i am clinically depressed although i am happy enough, i am secure financially enough, smart enough not to invest even in my own stuff in anything that would take away the cushion that I have which is not enough, i suppose it is never enough and i would say the biggest  problem is you and i suppose i have noone but myself to blame for that, you would probably say that too if you saw this.  None of that makes it better and as someone who compulsively looks to fix and solve things, apparently, this is not going well. 

I have a lot of grant work to do when these edits are done.  I looked through the drawings, there are a lot i would like to keep, but 12 pages of drawings would be plenty by any standard and i feel good about finishing the edits tomorrow and maybe even marking drawings which is a find, decided, and cut and paste or delete.  I dont think i have time to get the drawings edited and numbered, but i will see and the numbering will be minimal, i think.

Even the cats are treating me like i am unhappy.  it is dark and wet and cold, but i swam, my muscles are stretched and cleaned, but you are missing from my life and i do not like it even if i deserve it.  

New Post-Day 24

 It is dark and cold and late and i have reached the end of both vision and concentration ability for the night and dealt at least superficially wih a critical problem that stood in the way of moving forward.

Despite the looming deadline, I had to take a break and so i turned to writing to you.  

A part of what follows was written this morning, while it does not sound like a great deal I have moved 8 pages farther in the short one, and not much further at all in the other, but progress is not just measured in pages, but in understanding and clarity and briefly the document went to 32 pages before beginning to drop again.  So let us begin with what was written early this morning before the sun which has now set had even come up.

The complex rewriting continues today.  I am on page 10 of the short document and page 14 of the longer (almost 50) page document.

Figuring how to ultimately file is complicated by previously filed documents which have to be staged next in a very short period of time.

Now I am back in the evening.  I am nervous and I will start losing sleep over this, I did get just over 8 hours last night despite getting up at 5 and being awake at 4.  8 hours and more, but i still am worried for the pressure that is increasing by the day cannot be ignored and there is another project which will require some of my time during the same period.  The af stuff, indeed even the stuff to which the grants apply most particularly,, have to be ignored until this time next week.  I both need to and should be able to finish the short document tomorrow.

After alll, I can do more on paper than another laboratory in a sense because the science is both that much better and that much more accurate, and yet we will have to see because the race with empirical science is not yet won.  It is barely begun and I now see that 5 years have evaporated while I was focused on this.  You wonder what happened to us, it is not that there was not all the pieces, but I could not see the time passing, I did not realize that between 2019 when I began to pursue this in earnest and the time when you abandoned me 2 years had passed; moreover the run up to 2019 involved 3 years which largely passed the same way for the same reasons.  I lost track of time pursuing this and it cost me what mattered the most; it is cliche, but as tragic in my life as anywhere else and I think of what those 5 years could have held, I should not begrudge anyone anger or disappointment., not even you, especially not you; but what i should or should not do has very little to do with what is or is not what i have accomplished or not.

There are those who have recently used words like "not based on sound principles" and this institutional prejudice, this ignorance in the form of entrenched error is part of what i have to face.  I have to prove that just because it works does not mean that it tells the whole story.

But the time passed, the same will happen over the next few days and I will not be prepared when the time runs out, but I have a good start, something that can be filed which is far in advance of what has been filed. 

speaking of good starts, i made a good start to intensity minutes if not real exercise by walking 3.5 miles.  Over 100 intensity minutes, a little upper body work and i should do more this evening, but i am so very tired.  Worried about the work, the future, and you.

Day 23, Sunday

 It is dark outside my window and well below freezing, but this strong heater setup was a great idea and I am comfortable in terms of heat with a sweatshirt and hood.  The heater blows a lot of air and I can put my hands in the stream and warm them; a comforting but inhuman warmth.

I am working on what I'll call the 70 page document although it is 67 pages as I pause in the work to type here.  I have already made changes.  I've figured out how to go back and forth between PC and monitor mold, at least when the monitor mold is working from the portable, on the monitor machine and I've set it up for use as either or both which is helpful.

It is almost funny, because the document is dated 1/25/22; the last target date I'd be comfortable with, two days off and a nearly impossible target.  Maybe if we were together...

"There are multiple potential models of lower ct states, dimensional states, but at the ct3-ct4 interface, the model is relatively accurate and involves f-series exponential compression about a central axis: 2:1 F-series overlap of two spiral arms which fold and unfold to compresses the ct states organized in exponential quantities.  The applications developed so far cover all of practical science, but can be summarized by the resulting conclusion, 'all controlled actions are dimensional manipulation are dimensional manipulation and AuT shows the most efficient and far reaching pathway.'"  That is the last paragraph of the abstract and the first time I have written it even this clearly.

Dawn is breaking, it is still dark out, but the branches can be seen against the brightening sky.  I am fixing words, understanding better what I wrote.

I probably should add that at the end of this week I have eaten most of a small box of high end cinnamon rolls. Not a lot of guilt over that.  I walked, I swam, I did a lot of work on things that are approaching deadlines, even this morning the amount of clarification is surprising and challenging since it shows how much I can do now with the better understandings.  I am on page 8 of 65 pages (getting shorter as I hoped while more accurate), more than 10% in a few hours of work.  Not great, but it may get faster since there is now a model set out in the shorter claim document with greater clarity which has translated somewhat into my brain.

Still morning and at 14 of 57, shorter through eliminating duplication and also getting clarity on some more narrow applications. Ignoring the extra, and probably largely superfluous duplication of drawings, even with the broader coverage it is under 90 pages for the longer document.  I can probably target 60 or 70 pages before filing which would provide leeway.  It also means that I can keep as much of the theory as I want, portions which I thought I'd have delete.

One issue I probably will run out of time for is the drawings which I'd like to send to someone to redraw before its filed, but time will not likely allow for this although after today I may change my mind about that, at least in terms of trying it.

Still long before noon I finished the book club book a love story behind the fall of Troy. Appropriate to the time and context and the Greek muse of my life. 

It is this which I wanted with you which bound me and slowly loosened as do all Gordian knots eventually. 

168 intensity minutes from a 1.5 hour cold bike ride, my feet are numb.  558 ims this week.  Enough exercise for today.  It included a fair amount of hills and a small amount of cross country and few scary neighborhoods and my exercise for the week is over.

Back to editing claims, not a simple task given the complexity of distinguishing the claims for literally everything that has ever been done.  I'm unhappy with how sloppy they are, but there was quite a bit of science which was important developed or at least solidified in my mind during the ride, justifying the effort.  

Imagine trying to cover the use for all things embodied in a new model defining all things in 10 claims.  It is absurd and yet it is what I'm doing,  all of the above where compression is approximately scaled as 2fn raised to 2 to the n and fuse length is defined with positive or negative effects at quantum dimensional levels by fpix.  What does that even mean and there are well over 20 categories where applications have been defined,  a real s show if you know what I mean. 

I can't hope anyone will be there for me when I finish in a week, although if you ignore the claims as the most important part I am well under way. 

I suspect it will fall far short of where it needs to be but i suppose after a fashion i can go with what i have and it is very wild indeed in scope, far more than i could expect and when i am awake tomorrow at 4am i will be wondering how to make you part of my life, or how there can be lifevwithout you as much as  the looming deadline.

How silly and meaningless everything is.   Time for bed. 

Day 22 winners on the wrong side of history

 Periodically, I need to remind myself this is a blog, not a diary, a history, or even my actual feelings about different things.  You can take parts of it seriously but it is like hearing someone's dreams or fantasies; they tell you something, but must be taken with a grain of salt or salt in the wounds, as it were.  The only thing with any certainty with it is what I tell you and you don't even exist as a part of my world.

Today has been busy.  Up at 4 and down with my heater/fireplace substitute, too dark to look out.  I finished a reasonable, possibly even fileable 30 page version and have since moved on to the longer version currently 67 pages plus drawings, but much of it is superfluous in light of what has been done.  I confirmed at least according to my notes the 2/3 deadline, still very close for this sort of thing.  Next week will be critical.

The cold weather triggered the deflation warnings for my tires which i took care of after a 2025 yard swim with full IM(s), 400x2 and 200.  I could have done more and the cold was not as big an issue as I feared.  They must have raised the water temperature because of the cold. Then I was at the office turning on the heat and dripping water in advance of the hard freeze tonight and the saw that I had positioned was used to cut up the large branch which had turned into an issue and which now can go out as the trash next week.  Then a few things at the grocery store, pita chips for humus, eye drops, dog food, such as that.

There is more to do, I am working on whatever KFE is, modifying drawings, I  turned on heaters in out buildings with pipes. Left water running outside. I did kitchen and straightened things. It is no wonder I'm tired and all I want to do is be there. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHUxUxqwsNU

Day 21-the end of the day

 The large heater glows red and blows out volumes of heat.  I feel like I am sitting by a fireplace, and indeed as the weight of history falls on my shoulders I realize that there is a line of different fire pits and places with people known and unknown around me.  They nod at my work, but they do not approve of me, did any of them not pursue you, I wonder?  

I will explore this topic more, it is dark now, there is nothing outside.  Instead of candles or torches, incandescent screen light around me, I need the blue tinged glasses from work, but I will make do because I have to; my eyes need to hold up, my mind needs to hold up.  If you were here...

The figures are not shodwy, like ghosts, they are real, just out of sync with me, they wear togas and suits, I beleive franklin may be naked, it is like trying to see cleary what is in a faded dream.

I have decided i was right and you were wrong, not that you made the wrong decision.  Not wrong for you, perhaps, but wrong.  I let you do this but not for the wrong reasons at the wrong time that you think.   It had more to do with those ghosts.  It was not for someone else, it was for this thing i am doing.  And could i have stopped you, of course not.  Still it should not have happened, although i suppose it will work out better for you.  It was stupid because I had been clear. My decision is because it is still clear.  You can love two people in the same way or as in this case in entirely different ways and for different reasons or no reason at all.  You cannot be replaced and I am not sure that anyone would want to replace me, half mad, perhaps half somethig else, lucky, clever or twice mad, only time wil tell.  It is funny, because right now I am waiting for what should be an indication of the answer.  And if it is something of great value, then you will have been wrong for another reason; but i trust your judgement, perhaps too much. In the end what i think is wrong is likely right for you.

God, but it is cold and wet and I have to swim tomorrow and leave the water dripping at my office.

day 20, the end of it

Regret in and science out.  It is consistent with the model, perhaps the reason for it.  So much to thnk about during the 4 mile walk.  It was cold, wet windy, but somehow I had dressed just right for it and I feel better for having walked.

I received little aerobic credit given what I  thought was a good pace, managed 85 intensity minutes and I'm one floor from the daily 10.  Have a pretty fair office setup, 3 screens but only 2 synced. The other needs a win 10 upgrade a key is 29 off market but not 100 percent sure how to make that happen. We'll see. 

Trying to figure out how to go from 7 to 10 without paying more than the computer is worth for the upgrade.  

I was too tired to edit, my brain couldn't hold onto word meanings.

It is dark out, although the view from my workspace here is not a bad one when it is light. 

It is day 21 now, worked at the office from when I got up before light until lunch and now I am at my new home office.  I wonder what you would think about it?  Would you want to see it?  There are 3 screens here compared to the three at my office, and depending on what I want to do, all 3 can be used at a time.  I have a nice view out the window, but I have to sit up to see the bottom of the yard or the pool.  It is cold and drafty today and I have a space heater which is fighting to keep the area warm with little success.  It is like working beside a fire that is too small to heat things up.  I am using the extender that only worked sporadically in new mexico for the largest screen which I also have not fired up because of upgrade issues which are a little too much to go into.  Basically the machine runs on the wrong OS, but it can function as a monitor too so I can use it for various purposes, an internet portal, note taking or as just a large monitor.  Surrounded by all these screens makes for a weird working environment, but I have too much to do to even consider changes right now.

I should be going swimming today despite the cold.  The pool is, after all, inside; but walking the dog will be easier and by the time I do so I will need a break.

I got a couple of new cameras for outside which will add a small layer of protection even though I probably need 4 and I only have two.  I should have a doorbell camera, so maybe it will workout.  Some shipping issues there.

In the hot tub since can't work cold air and hot water and I have a book that is good enough. I'll try that,  maybe work later. 

I may be too brain dead to finish this tonight. 

It is Day 21.  I felt, during a very cold walk, the weight of this relatively small and large matrix on my shoulders, knowing how tight the deadlines are getting and how much is yet to be done as I stare at page 5 of 29 and know that I have to get through as much of this as possible.  The better heater I am using is almost like having a fireplace, it is more comfortable here than it has been.  I have made a nest of sorts, perhaps I will take a picture of it.  I should straighten it up first.

I will get back to the 21rst but the deadline looms and it almost seems like I have gotten nowhere today even though I have done a great deal.

Day 19 time grows short

In the distance, I hear sirens this morning; the haunting silence of the desert is gone.  I have spent the morning clarifying, writing up a carnival example of electromagnetism that makes me think of you, blues and pinks, as everything does.  I could spend another 3 months in the desert working on this, but time is very short indeed.  That being said, I am closer to having something which is more than just a stop gap filing, regardless of how much work can be done.

Today I solved the problem of contact without contact, all because of laws that were punctuated with death in 1914, the first world war raged, but the lesson that needed to be passed down to me had been mailed in 1884.  

These seem like small things to me now, indeed maybe they are small things, but to explain contact and the exchange of momentum without contact is a thing which makes so obvious sense and no sense at all.  It had to be and it was, I could say something like that about us, it had to be and it was not.

There are 4 key claims and a paragraph which probably has to be a claim meaning that I have to cover everything else in 5 or 6 claims, fusion, time, quantum computing, electromagnetism, chemistry; each with a single claim; perhaps because it is well covered in prior claims, putting qc under time.  it is absurd and even the us patent with its extra 10 only leaves two subcategories for each one; but these are broad claims, not yet with the specificity and direction they need for financial applications to be past the theoretical stage and there will be other claims inherent in these filings that will take place over the following 12 months, the never ending cycle.

There is a concept paper due tomorrow and i have to do outreach on another broad concept grant; but whether I have time for either before that short deadline remains to be seen.  Since it is informal, I would have been able prepare something for the concept paper, but it turns out to be one requiring my science be developed under another grant and I have done this on my own, so it is not wasted effort as nothing is being done.  I ended up asking a question about this, but not sure I'm ready to tackle this even if I can.

I am tired. I tried meditation but only stayed for a few minutes of 20.  Your words cooled these fevers before but I  cannot expect them. 

The bells will tell me when to go on.

 Even were I a good person Even then I would write so that in the unlikely world that you would look you could gloat that I  still love and want you. 

You could see that I stop in the critical work I am doing to save a phrase that indicates how much you mean to me, the only real thing in my life Even as I explained everything else. 

How much different from the empty life if we could stay up making love all night and not just the messy love which I miss so much which gave me a reason to go on a light to reach,  now extinguished. Not just that but the love of holding you of hours talking of nothing and everything of candles and castles we would light and visit one day, the love of sleep next to one another of waking in the middle of the night and, far from my current sleeplessness, glorified in the realization those snores were yours,  those curves which I could wrap my arms around held you, the beauty that lit the whole world now just an ash covered ball rendered meaningless by the science only you could inspire that left no hope for me without you. 

It is not lateby many standards, but I am waiting for a delivery that was supposed to be here 30 minutes ago and it is dark and not so safe as it should be here.  There is little I can do but wait, another 10 or 30 minutes.  What will happen to me here, I do not know, but I wait to find out, the delivery first, then the future.

No picture tonight, at least not yet.  Perhaps I will return later to report some other event, but these have been very busy days, the kind that generate more work and I am already exhausted, upset that I am waiting in this dark and dangerous place.

Day 18, 12 days

I was up at 4:30 and feel much better although I must do my exercises soon.  It is below freezing outside, but I have on warm clothes and am sitting under a throw blanket.  A cat was missing this morning which gave me some anxiety, but he showed up.

I have been totally mad in the past.  It is strange when those hidden memories come to my mind in the darkness of the early morning.  Humiliation is one of the feelings, although that is silly.  If you are mad, what is to be embarrassed about?  Also in a universe where your actions are the result of underlying mathematics, at least to a point or where your accomplishment render your madness acceptable why dwell on the past.  I was surprisingly free of being caught, although I wonder if there is not a permanent record of my madness where it was manifest in some places and the accommodations for the madman that took place.   How strange and lucky I was.

Perhaps I used up all of my luck before we met, there is certainly still enough madness to go around.

It's been a long morning and it is still about the time that others get to work.  I've spent it taking long notes and incorporating them.  One of the cameras interferes with the other when it is dark, I need to do some repositioning, but have not figured it out yet.

I've taken several breaks to take my notes from the night and incorporate them into the 30 page paper which is currently 26 pages in its shortest embodiment, but requires much from the longer paper.  I believe I can deal with that.  The 100 page paper is under 100 pages as long as the last portions which are less important are not included and the plan for the week is to get the 100 page and 26 page versions ready to file in some form, even if not as clean as I would like.  There are new terms and new problems of design that I have not yet figured out completely.

 Time grows short, the meetings increase in number; my day is less and less my own.

I have to meet the deadline with something and given the work done, I feel that is possible.  I would have thought I'd have gone into this month with that done, but the model provides new answers which have to be incorporated and the size has to stay the same.

Worse still, fundamental aspects are in a state of flux.  I'd say I have something I could file in a week if nothing comes up, of course something always comes up.

I swam 2000 yards and I solved the issue of what electro-magnetism is.  If you and I were together, that last thing would be a pretty big deal.  Maybe a big deal, but it is, like everything else in the universe irrelevant.  It is nice to have my priorities straight.  The goal remains to have a finished product of sorts if not totally by the end of the week.  This requires quite a bit of editing which I should be doing tonight, but the swim has not left me with a lot of energy and it is hard to be hard on myself when I did something like that and when I am tired from swimming and where I had a pretty good dinner and when for all that you think is wrong with me, perhaps it is not me, I think.  But for all that, perhaps I will die alone after all, but whatever you and fate take away from me I loved so deeply, and still love so deeply that I figured out what electromagnetism is today.

How cruel the universe is to require so much for so little.

The choice was to hold on and insist on being there, wherever there ends up beings; and I suppose the same can be said about me; but whatever i want to do, some things are bigger than me and one of those things will always be everything, and everything is what I don't have which in this case means I don't have anything.  For all I have seen and I have learned and been shown and figured out, the one thing I know for sure is that 32 years ago I made the right choice and it meant as little as the wrong choice makes today, who ever made it.

  

Day 17 short time

The snow finally came to the northeast this winter in earnest.

It is cold here.  I slept over 9 hours, the first time I have done that in a while, unfortunately, it leaves me ill from the inner ear thing.  How I miss the sleep.  But it made me sick.

I am very nervous, I think it is the inner thing, but nerves are there whether we can identify them or not.  I managed to get a half day in at the office, then it was too much and I went home.  Happy to have "cameras" on again so I can monitor the office.  Still waiting for two or 3 exterior cameras, but the interiors ones provide just as much information in a way.  Had to replace the doorbell and one of the window sensors already, but that is a pretty minor issue.  I also have a motion detector which covers the windows, so that is less of an issue.  This is a relatively expensive, temporary fix; but not sure that I had a good choice in the matter.

I should have swam today, but the inner ear thing and cold were a powerful lot to overcome and when I was forced to go how from the dizziness I realized even though it was late afternoon and getting colder by the minute that it would be a pleasant sunny walk and the dog concurred, so I did that which is inadequate but not nothing.  If only if only, right?

Still no word on the grants, but many things are going well even if uncertainly.  There is a lot of the patent work to finish, I cannot afford to be sick.

This should be you, it should be you and I.  This was discussed in the book, a very spiritual story about a staircase that originally had no banister.  I assume no one gets to walk on it which is a sad, good thing.  People rarely make art to sleep on after they put away their sidewalk chalks.

It took me forever to cut and paste this into my blog from my phone.

What am I to do when everything still reminds me.  But I have much to do and it is important work and it reminds me also.  Time is short.

day 17, a scream, a salad and a feeyord

This was too beautiful not to share although what is so ugly I would not want to share it?

"I was walking along the road with two friends – the sun was setting – suddenly the sky turned blood red – I paused, feeling exhausted, and leaned on the fence – there was blood and tongues of fire above the blue-black fjord and the city – my friends walked on, and I stood there trembling with anxiety – and I sensed an infinite scream passing through nature."https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scream

True then, truer still today.

And this, too funny not to share: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evy9zETscDI

Salad

You can't see the grated cheese under the spinach, my mistake.

I have been doing some modeling work which is troubling. Not because it is bad, just the opposite, but still troubling.

I'll have to spend some time counting neutrons to make this right.

I installed a new alarm system although it operates with some faults still.

 I'm not even sure I like this but watching the holidays disappear in the rear window and this came up as I was looking for snow in the Carolinas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EKkzbbLYPuI

https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/news/edvard-munch-the-scream-message-madman-b1805462.html

He gets it.  Does it make you happy to lie in bed with your lovers and read what I write about you or is it better that you ignore me

Day 16 a cold dark morning

 Another look at the moon.  This is from a walk a couple of days ago.  A longer walk than yesterday.  I have a lot of exercise to make up for, will I swim today?  I have hours to make that decision because the gym is closed.  On the news there were "warring" stories about whether it is safe to go to gyms (the best protection is to stay in shape) or not.

It is 5am, the morning dawns, well it will dawn soon, cold.

There is a big winter storm and it has made it cold here, i am under a throw, a type of couch blanket and i have a heavy sweatshirt on, so I am comfortable.

You were there in my dreams again, my own mind haunting me with you, in a red dress, expecting me to be able to form questions or even think when you showed up unexpectedly like that, especially like that.  Especially knowing that you were not alone.   You were not alone in the dream either, a lot of my old office was there too, asking me about my filing system which has fallen into disrepair over the last five years; was that the purpose of the dream?  To make me look at my file system? Perhaps it is tied to strange email about that part of my business that promised so much yesterday, but which I do not trust.  I do not think so, but telling you about a charity for unwanted orphans, my charity is for the hungry now, not just the homeless, made no sense; but perhaps the blank check to someone else did.

It is impossible for me to wake up after such troubling dreams and understand what is going on here, why we are not together.  My subconscious screams to me, and I shrug and say, as soon as....

It looks at me the same way that you did, I am looking in a mirror.

This is not the first time this has happened to me, it will happen this way again, i suppose, if I live long enough.

I have a 200 word proof of my physics model, it gets shorter and shorter.  Perhaps it will appear here, who knows.  It is enough to be able to prove it with so few words for  yesterday.  For today and tomorrow, can it be enough for what I need? It cannot, because there is only one thing that I need.

The real estate, which I will pick up with tomorrow held up under the recent pressure.  It cannot happen soon enough, but it can still happen.  But what of the other news, that which ties in so closely with the first sentence of this?  I can prove, now in 200 words, what I have already described in a few sentences, after a fashion; but I still cannot answer my own questions.

Does that mean that I now understand it, or that I have lost my mind or perhaps both?

My logic doesn't even make sense to me.  And what if I finally can justify you to myself, that I have finally earned what I have always wanted, now that it is destroyed.  I wonder how many real conquerors have looked over the ruins of their work and wondered how much better things would have been without them?  Weren't you, the lost kingdom, the only thing I wanted and hasn't my work destroyed that?

It is a cold, dark Sunday morning, indeed.  The moon over the trees was beautiful.

Day 15 a fix and a feast

 Another meal apart

I fixed the dishwasher at the same time I cooked.  It was a strange combination.  It wasn't hard as much as it required different tools and there's the plug thing, bound to require a fix one day.

It looks like nothing happened today but there was so much from so many people it's hard to include much and I don't believe what could be the best of it.  Time will tell.

I spent time on editing that was most of my skilled work, not that a certain handiness talent wasn't involved with the washer. I had set it up over several days so it was just going through the steps and figuring out pathways that I had long ago prepared for, perhaps that was the skilled part. 

I walked the dog a couple of miles between rainstorms and rode my bike to the store for salad stuff I ate for dinner. If you tell the dead person you want it, I will put up a  picture of the salad...perhaps I'll do it anyway. 

So that is a quiet day,  very quiet. I sang to the cats and the dog a bit while I fed them, listened to unsatisfying music while I walked,  nothing can satisfy anymore, but other than that, it is like now. If not for the breathing of the dog I might well be in a tomb.

day 14 living like kings

I had the chance to live like a king, a lonely alone king, but a king nonetheless.

That was a nice looking dinner, the dog was interested.  It was delicious, healthy?  Well tomatoes are the vegetable that is also a fruit.  I had organic fruit spread with it.

I walked today, not enough real exercise.  I had a  fair day of work and then the day and night were gone.

I'm reading the book club book. It is a good story but it is too gay for me not that there is anything wrong with that. I associate passion with you and there is nothing gay about that despite what worries you. The smells of passion in the pages only serve to resurrect the zombie memories that would not die even if I wanted that. Better sadness and memories than oblivion. 

It is late as I  said and there is much to do tomorrow 

day 13

The day started badly.  

It is 420 and I've been awake for an hour. Dreams about being in some bizarre version of the revolutionary War interrupted by the watering bowl going dry, like an alarm. Was impossible to re sleep but because this is a repeat I ended with almost 7 hours of sleep which is enough. My biorhythms are shot but glad for the watch confirmation.  I would be more anxious without it.

Making things worse a cat was missing although this early in the morning its too early to be overly worried.  My own situation makes me conscious of the dangers. The cat has appeared, that is a relief, although this is an edit an hour and half later.

It was an inauspicious start to the day, but today is a good day; for today is the first day when the new listing can be put into place.

I've decided to do the unthinkable and get note down with savings instead of waiting for the sale.  This will largely equate 2 numbers and may make me rethink the foreign filings.  There is still time but nothing on the immediate horizon is likely to change even though it should. Having lower numbers will help my mind and it is the only real choice given contingency, events and failures and that I can do this and still have a cushion of sorts is to be thankful for. 

I'll have to make it up and almost half could come from not doing foreign filings and all from the re sale this year or the ever illusive grant. 

I don't like abandoning foreign patents but they continued to be early on most issues and there remain months to decide.  I don't like reducing my cushion but I've shown I can live on what I have without raiding it for the moment and I continually have to remind myself how bad things could have gone. 

Choice abandoning one path for another it is difficult. 

Once done even the minimum sale will eliminate the last of the dark times of the past. I cannot retire or relax but I won't suffer right away either. 

My mind is cloudy, but I should be able to get a days work in.  Will I be able to swim?  That remains to be seen.

The evening is far advanced. 2200 yards and change swimming, over 1000 im.  I feel better, angry with you or with me about you.   Managed to do fair but not great with the work, tomorrow will require a great amount from me as will the weekend.  The other swimmers finished before me, the lifeguard was watching me whenever my breathing brought her in sight but i could not tell if it was interestor frustration that I  was keeping her out that caused it but I swam as fast as possible in case of either.

The swimming was good, invigorating, necessary but almost all of my movement today,  i saw just enough of the beautiful weather to know what we were missing although I assume you took full advantage of it with whoever.

I may edit this post, i had too much sleepless anxiety when I wrote it, best i use the next round to edit it.  It is early and I need to to begin winding down.

 https://phys.org/news/2020-08-black-silicon-photodetector-efficiency-limit.html

https://e-catworld.com/2020/08/15/nasa-lattice-confinement-fusion/

https://theconversation.com/major-quantum-computational-breakthrough-is-shaking-up-physics-and-maths-136634

https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2020/08/21/ask-ethan-why-dont-light-and-gravitational-waves-arrive-simultaneously/#328114e862c2

Day 12

 Tonight, the night of 1211 I am quiet and moody.  I did n ot get enough done today.  I must get twice as much done tomomrow and that musts be twice as much as is possible as I must finish this draft and soon.  It is something short, but it must be shorter still and more complete at the same time.   something is buzzing near me, disturbing my peace and it is something uncertain.

It is 5, but I have been up working since 4 am, working, that is after having to stop and feed the cats.  My hands caressed your skin in my dreams disturbing any chance of returning to dreams. I have been subjected to another delay, perhaps 6 months and leaving in limbo the process that was suspect anyway for dealing with the short term debt issues that I face.  It appears largely administrative; but any delay is troubling, particularly now.  On the bright side, the cost is going to be a little less than savings I should get from another matter in around the same time frame and it is not something which is impossible to deal with, just discomforting.  Also, having looked over the issues, they are fairly easy to deal with on the surface.

This is not like the problem otherwise in my life which is not easy to deal with and the cause of my earthly early demise.

dinner was a homemade teriyaki baked potato with jalapeños. Steps, stairs and intensity minutes today while taking a break from real exerciseandfrom work.

Despitepressureanxietymissingyouandlittlesleep, Fairly close to the provisional cheap vs utility more detailed, it is likely there will be both drafts by Monday if I can have 4 days like today.   Getting this out of the way early, perhaps even the provision Monday and the pct Friday would be good,  but unlikely.

A good interview helped my state of mind, but a lot remains problematic and yet another technical nuance arose which is intriguing,  possibly helpful in an extreme fashion but another drain on the focus.

I fear failure before I ever become enough for you or I suppose someone less than you but enough given the toxic clouds I have to get through. 

Day 11, continued sort of

I just need quiet and alone tonight, surprisingly hard to get that.  It is still only just after 6 although it has been dark for awhile and it is getting cold.

A time of much colder weather will be included below.

My problem is that I have had hopes about several things and as yet they have not materialized.  Progress is easy to spot, but I have not seen any additional runway which raises the specter of what happens next.  Technically, I do not have to do much and what I have to do is in April when things will have changed somewhat.  I cannot say how much better or worse they will be; much of that depends on events and people that I cannot rush.

The new listing may be effective, the project I am working on may bear fruit, the foia request may be responded to, the new cases may take flight and the refinance which will extend a deadline indefinitely may become finalized one way or the other.   These are all important to the runway issue; may have signficiant effects overall; but what i fear is that none of the pending grants will be allowed, equally bad that I will receive the remaining rejections during this time period which, given what i have been able to obtain and show, would be very hard to accept.

These are the things that made me think i was not enough and perhaps they mean that i am not enough.  I am in a better place than i was several years back, even 3 years ago in many ways.  I have shed most of what held me down and what was costing me money now looks like a healthy, if unrecognized, investment; something that may well take care of itself this year if things do not change; of course things always change.

how different things would have been if i had not taking this path into science.  I would be doing work and making a budget and working on my neglected books.  I do not think things would have been better for us, just the opposite.  How could they be worse, you might ask, the difference is that i made a choice and you could not know what it was and i could not tell you and it is and was always dependent on the same things that i do not want to explain although now i think i can.

After swimming, I am often numb and relaxed; but that is impossible tonight as I worry over what will happen and know that if more bad news comes before i can finish these interminable edits, it will make things very hard.

It is noisy in the background.  I did not want to come here earlier because i knew everything would irritate me.

How uncomfortable I am sitting here with the cold creeping in, a smoky fire that could be romantic in other circumstances, but which merely irritates me after the long swim.  Everything here angers me and I expect very little to change.

Lake snow

Day 10 a shortage day

 Computer problems dominating this morning, uncertain why.  A lot of progress on many fronts, much to do on the ongoing work.  Every day there is more that is done and exponentially more that needs to be done; will enough things come together?  I spent a fair amount of time exploring savings, although I cannot be sure whether it is enough and exploring ways to reduce the pressure even as the pressure is the only thing that keeps me going.

Truly on the science front the devil is beguiling the details.  I have found many of the details in the recent work and I am writing them up as fast as i can, but it is not enough yet and time is running out.

On my walk today, which took me to 100 im for the week and gave me my steps and stairs, I came across something that made me think of you.  I wonder if I emailed to that abandoned place if it would give me some peace.

a lonely spot, I think lonely people can best appreciate lonely, abandoned places.  I imagine now sitting here with you and perhaps that is why I wanted to share it on this blog, I suppose.

I was confronted with those chains which hold me today over and over again.

It is day 11.  I just finished a 2000 yard swim.  It is hard to think of going home without you.  It is as if there is no place to go and therefore i would rather be on the road.  Things are ok, but these are difficult and uncertain times.

I looked at the business numbers and they were worse than I thought they should be; although i suppose there is something I am missing, I cannot tell what it is.  The sales, the grants and the interim measures are all out there not moving as I would want them to.  If I got the grant, i know what it would have meant, but I have no idea what it would mean now.  The science progresses, tomorrow is an important day after a fashion, but to what purpose do i go now?

I am insecure, impatient, overwhelmed; but I have my 2000 yards out of the way, i am closer, if not by enough, to meeting the next deadline and I have perhaps 5 or 6 months of runway as they say and things are not getting better, but they are not getting worse.

If only there was some place for me to call home, to go to.

day 8&9

Day 7 bled into day 8, day 8 is bleeding into day 9 so many days run together. I've been looking at ways to get back to the wilderness but at least next week is full of stuff to do here,  especially the increasingly complex patent which shows no sign of reaching a tech stopping place any time soon. 

It is really irritating that new mexico came and went, but it was important to get back, perhaps not as important as it could have been without the sudden, violent retreat and I think perhaps i would have never come back and the problems that would have created; assuming that the solutions underway exist.  I am waiting for the next 3 days to go by so that I can get towards the sell that will end the problems that have been steadily disappearing over the last decade even as aut has grown.

I considered buying a bottle of red wine, but aside from being tired it makes me want to share it.

Even The sugar in my yoghurt was too much and upsets my stomach, hurts my head, even reminded me of my dead diabetic friend bill, although I lost him before he died.

What do you know of friendship or love, when it's born or dies.

Your ways are known to me and they don't tell you about the wires that matter,  the strings that bind os and pull us together and if you would only let them pull us apart. 

Bells are ringing telling me to change soon.

I did some very interesting work on energy, coming to some solutions which make me happy.  I didn't have the chance to walk the dog, forcing me to do a 9.6 mile bike ride, more than 450 IMs this week which is enough.   It threatened rain all day without following through and as day ends, the sun is coming out. 

A little extra work and the bottom of the pool can be seen.  If I was not losing so much pressure from the vacuum it would have been done a few weeks back, but it is very clear, the algae is fairly under control and it is going to get too cold to use it, but also too cool for the algae to grow back.  I want to vacuum it again, one more time would make a big difference, even with the pressure issue; but i was waiting for rain that never came.

I have a few more issues to address in dealing with the issues of energy that i have spent so much time on and which seem to have largely simplified themselves in a way that allows for the broad type of claims i was hoping for; but there remains but little time this evening when i can focus on these things and for the moment i have to be happy that my thoughts, including those from bikeride, have been legibly recorded.

I have, anyway, done much of what i hoped, in some cases more than i would have hoped for over this weekend; but i have not been able to resolve this 3 day, one month and now almost 4 month thing that could have been very different.  Just as I will second guess the time when i finally say, enough and do the next filing, probably 2.1; I second guess my actions.  Should i have insisted, had more faith in my own interest in following through, there were some many complicating factors that were never discussed and perhaps they should not have been discussed.  There was too much to go through, but iparsed this other i think it coudl have be parsed and things will go to an inevitable end the only question being whether i will have the same opportunity or not and how it will turn out; drifting gradually towards what i violently have already done coming only halfway back and knowing that these lines can be broken and that ships can sail whether they have a destination or not.

Day 7, a wet hot-cold day

 During my 4 mile walk/run with the dog I could see the clouds coming in although it started with sun.  At the end, I was running up the steep hill in the rain, the smell of ozone in the air, the temperature slowly dropping, but not uncomfortable.

Afterwards, I went back to coughing, not sure if running or being in the cooling rain brought it on; but sleeping helped and I think I'm better now.

Watched a lot of troubling 1/6 stuff.  Ordered a new security system.

I rode my bike, a short but not terrible workout.  I ended up with well over my intensity minutes for the week but it was Friday, the week almost over (for exercise it goes through Sunday) and I did not swim which puts that task on the calendar for the weekend.  I also did no pullups, something I have tried to add with limited success to my schedule.

I had a fractal math issue come up when dealing with plasma centers.  These most assuredly are there and the math is impressive; but it destroys the Xenon result to some extent which is trouble because the carbon example works so well in that regard.  It makes for pictures, but it destroys a symmetry even while building another one.  I do not have an answer for this, can they be squeezed out?  Is one or the other simply wrong?  Questions are answered, questions are raised.  The tension between absorption and fractal design cannot be fully reconciled because there are two competing elements of force in every force under the model and when they balance, in theory, the fractal form should be paramount; but is that the case?  The resulting model of observed plasma is acceptable but does that justify the other changes and are those other changes really necessary given the inherent skins in the designs?  These are not small questions and the answers are illusive. Yet the work continues and for a long time the length has been adequate for the first filing, the solutions adequate for at least some of the second.

These problems are not just theory, they suggest solutions.  It forced me to sleep earlier than I would have liked and it woke me earlier.  It just turned 6 and I have been up for a long time.  It is cold outside and it is yet very cool inside.  I let my mind turn less and less towards you, but at night I dreamed I was back in school, looking into a program, wanting to see my advisor, having breakfast with strangers, riding my bike, waiting for the grant, but was I looking for you?  

Today is a busy day of both work and non work requirements.  Yesterday i dealt longer with the vine issue.

It's noon, it has warmed up significantly.  I swam 2000  yards, a pretty hard (for me not relativisticly) workout, but did all of im and while I need to walk later, that is a later thing.  The water was surprisingly warm, more like what it was like in New Mexico and it didn't wake me up, it was up to time and now my blood is oxygenated, but there is not much energy. 

Sometimes things seem easier, sometime they do not. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BakWVXHSug

That was a long walk, only enough to get my steps in really, but after the swim it was tough, my legs hurt, my last 7 days shows 4 walks averaging 3 miles, 3 swims of 2000  yds each and 1 bike ride and enough intensity minutes to get me through till tomorrow.  

During the walk, I thought about what collisions really were, thought about what should have happened before I was killed and afterwards, what comes next, time and age and chances.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8cfbBgXIow

Day 6 The Meh day

Despite my efforts to reverse things, I seem to have ended up with the longer version first.  This should not be unexpected.  It is a tough project taking out what I cannot use, because much of it is close, but not where it needs to be, combining the newest information and ideas with what went before is a big part of this; there are gems to be mined in the old work, but I do not know if I have time for that.

I was up at 4am working, awakened by the need to do so much, and yes I do need to take breaks and this is one way that I do it.

It is orthodox Christmas eve and the anniversary of the 1/6 capital riot and my child's birthday.

It's the middle of the day, I had a filling but inadequate lunch, nothing has gone poorly or well today.  Very much a Meh day.  I do not have time for Meh days.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SsOKvpImdOI

It's later in the afternoon.  I am losing my mind, almost too tired to do anything, not sure if it the post lunch blood sugar thing, but I have to take a break from working as I am not getting anything done anyway, just looking at words walking back and forth across the page.

I can, however walk the dog.  I cannot look at walking the same way, although there is some peace from the warmth before the cold today.  It used to be that they were the high part of my day, at least the  dog still enjoys them.  A short pull up workout and then I am on my way.  The warmth of the day will be fading soon.

Day 5, a nervous morning

I was up at 5, fairly certain that I had plenty of sleep, if not plenty of exercise.  I'm having a serious deficit of intensity minutes.

It is a busy day, I have to attempt to finish the first draft while also addressing new issues which continually come up.

I had meetings, a new matter I am working on, no time for anything but a takeout lunch.  I haven't gotten a lunch to go from this place and was pleasantly surprised although I should have reheated it to have enjoyed it more and for whatever reason, I added salt, something I have almost never done in the past.

I note that the date for the first filing which I set for 10 days from now (it could be 25) and I have a draft which could almost be filed this week.  To say that I could work on this for another 3 months would not be an exaggeration and the next part will begin immediately after this one is finished, with its shredded remains of what needs to follow.  That I can address the major issues in a few pages is a big step; but even a cursory step towards the higher details opens pathways that are so numerous and raises so many questions that even fundamental features begin to show tears in the fabric of the theory. 

It's later, still very nervous, but I managed to address some of the composite issues in a way that satisfies me for the moment.  That my nerves still bother me after 2,000 yards is troublesome, but I have another 27 intensity minutes, somewhat disappointing given the difficulty of the swim, but for whatever reason walking seems to yield better intensity despite my heart rate which is much lower at sea level, even though I've gone from 200(s) to 400 ims.

While I have done a lot, new issues have cropped up with the new methods which are so critical to what I need to do and this underlies my anxiety; yet I endeavor to do the best I can with the models I have and I feel fairly comfortable that a broad issue addressing in particular one area of interest where I feel roughly comfortable that I have something specific that extends over other areas as well.

The news that would make me comfortable making significant changes continue to be a problem and while I can make those changes, it is not clear in this vacuum whether that should happen or whether I should accept this bizarre life which is not unpleasant but which provides me very little happiness and no positive passion, whatever that means.

Nevertheless, the time that I took to come back and put things in order has been well spent both in terms of getting the next filings ready, putting together future work, team building, dealing with the debt and real estate issues and spending time with people who need me as whatever symbol I am supposed to have.

I hope that things change and that they change for the better and quickly; but that does not involve you, there will be something, perhaps someone, who will follow you; or perhaps there will be nothing; but there is much to do in the interim and as hard as it is to contemplate, moving on, at least moving, doing something good and important, one step at a time, alone and with the expectation that it will always be secondary to what should have been, what could have been, but I have things to do which I will do because I have no choice in good conscience.

day 4, the cold morning

 up at 530, but had plenty of sleep; discomforting dreams.  i lay awake from 5 to 530 working out practical applications of physics to batteries; or should i say wondering how to work the problems out.  Breaking up dendrites, in particular, at least I have a model for that now.

i have partnership letters to send out (UM and the DOE list) which should go out this week, it is only tuesday.  I started writing an article yesterday, even though I know that is largely a doomed task; I am much further along, if not far along enough.

It reminds me that I added some significant, self generating modeling which is interesting if not instructive.  The problem with having things all laid out is that they are all laid out, there is no room for novelty and no clear explanation; this has to do with the plasma issue and the 5:5 problem which models well, but does not necessarily explain itself, it is too much like preaut theory and not enough like aut math.

it is cold and dark this morning; but when i got up i had on much of my warm clothing from last night and i grabbed pants and a thick sweatshirt.  It is below freezing outside, but i am comfortable in here with my coffee having fed the cats and eaten cereal and drank most of a glass of water to get rid of my scratchy throat.  I would like to build a fire, but it is a work day and I still need to repair several things, including largely irrelevant cracks in the fireplace, but they still need to be sealed.

I slept much better for the first time in days; fairly certain it was the swim.  A faster swimmer was in the pool and it pushed my workout, he being at the end and therefore aerobic part of his workout while i was warming up.  Not that he wouldn't have been faster anyway, it is upsetting, but i ended up with almost an hour of good exercise and an excellent nights sleep.  The cold never bothered me, after almost a week out of the pool it was good to swim again.

There is a penetrating cold from outside, although I don't feel it much and the sun is rising which will change things.  How not to die alone is the name of a book, but a better question is how to die with the one you love.  Is it enough not to be alone?

There is this ongoing need to help raise a family, does it need to be a team effort, could it not be two players working for the same goal?  I find myself getting used, i have been used in the past, but it only will get worse.  I have to deal with this, as with all things, not knowing what the future holds.  I will have to plan for this, I will have to figure out what is right and what is wrong, i need to deal with my own problems.

I was given extremely positive information relative to the property I need to sell; i cracked what should have been a very easy code on that one.  Now i have two better options instead of one questionable one.  The timing is good for me and I can start i 8 days which is a little bettter than I feared.

It has been a long day, I organized and edited and if need be I have a 100 page document and there are so very many problems which may or may not have solutions and which i cannot even share the burden of with anyone else.  My time will come, I hope.  If it does not, than my time will eventually end and things in many ways are much better than they were in the past, but all I can think is how much I want them to be our problems and not mine; our successes and not mine, our hopes and dreams and not mine.