173.8; not as bad as I feared, actually worried about losing too much weight this week.
I was so sick 5/31 that i could not finish writing a blog post.
The dizziness and nausea eventually drove me to bed although that is the opposite of what i needed.
The next day, i was outside and able to write again, having slept neither too much nor not enough apparently, although I could feel the sickness lurking in the background. So many things lurk in my background.
I have not had coffee for 4 days now, maybe 5. It is hard to tell. I am not trying to quit, I just cannot handle it.
I have not slept fully since the 31rst when I overslept for the first time in a long while. I was up at 4:30 today, I worked through some things, it is almost 6 now. The time goes by so quickly.
I thought about the 6 day project, it proved impossible; it was on an absurdly short track for reasons I cannot fathom unless it was targeting someone else. Right now with my mind addled, i cannot think clearly of what any requires. I have reached a point of despair, even though things are not bad. It has just been too much negative, too much lethargy, seeing other projects which relatively speaking are so much financial nonsense and wizardry boom past something which is the biggest scientific advance since 1905; in the shadows relatively speaking and I am running out of energy and economic runway. I realize I don't have the expertise on paper to do this despite my accomplishments, I need partners with more expertise and that has become my driving intention. It is not easy.
Everything else seems to be moving forward, but it is all uncertain and sometimes not knowing is the worst part.
I have read articles on the valley of death, when a project reaches this point and there is an inflection point, it moves forward or it dies. There will be many such valleys, peaks of despair, that I have to work through if I am going to keep this moving forward. I wonder if I even have a choice at this point in time.
For 12 years I have struggled, my goals and directions have changed, my life plan has changed. I am so ready for something to come together, but I realize that at least one thing did come together, the depths of loss that I experienced before now have dissipated; I have done something horrible and big and beautiful; but I need something more, the next thing, the adrenaline and financial rush of getting out of this valley.
