April fools day almost

 There is no avoidance as ships and ice bergs, only opportunism, not want to miss an opportunity as the wheel turns.  What I mean is that while I am answering I am less direct than I'd like a I spend a bit more time waiting for something in particular to happen and to think about the nature of the desired response, what is fair and what is desirable. 

You think that I don't ever get reminded of you, but I get emails almost every week and i'm just this side of paranoia so that I don't think this incredibly complex series of notices are not just to prevent me from ever forgetting you, as if I could, for any length of time.

I tell you I love you

you tell me you're moody

that's a difference between us

are we both being honest, I wonder?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQiOA7euaYA

33122

 The last day of march came in with a bang. I am very low. My science is moving much too slowly. I have no direction on my personal life. My property sales languish and also seem to be moving impossibly fast. 

My foia request is unanswered and late; not sure what that means. I have no serious prospects for work, not because there are not things that I could do, large things, but because I made my decision to pursue the science. I have a short and long program to finish. I want to pursue my charity and the life I left behind of a writer in a tragic love affair. The writer part, I do not want to go back to the tragedy I was living that took so much from me and gave me so much back that I am not sure it did not make me into a different person.

I'm in a trap.

If you wonder about this, so do I.  I am worried that I am one of those rats hitting the lever because every once in a while a food pellet or cocaine is delivered.  I am not one of those crown of creation people who can look over the world today and admire what a wonderful creation is man.  I cannot even look at great artwork and see evidence of some grand underlying majesty because I am insane and I think I have done something unique and it is empty for me and reeks of coincidence.

I am in a trap, no different than the rat, except I think I can change everything.  What are you going to do if you find me banging on your door in the middle of the night, yelling your name like crazed person that I am, unable to control my emotions, a creature of logic and impulse trapped in some whirlwind of magic between eons of dead rock?  Would you call the police, try to talk me down or just watch with relief and contempt.

I woke last night to the sound of thunder, flashes of light and what I thought about was you, my existence within a chrysalis of memories and desire.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mRFWQoXq4c

Does AI Dream of electric ships

 That came from a shipping magazine, I wish I'd thought of it.

It is Wednesday morning, storms are coming late today, they will not affect what I do although it is hard to think of swimming.  I debated not getting out of bed this morning, but I can't sleep in; my inner ear problems make that impossible.  Not to mention all the work I have to do.

There is a dog at the office next door to mine that is periodically going crazy. Wonder what that is about.

I'm watching the weather come in.  The timing thing means that I had one swim in the last 7 days s I probably should and the weather warnings don't hit mobile till this evening.  it would be nice if I could do my swim instead of the conference call which is not very important at 11, unlikely to happen.

Ok, more crawling advances, swam 1650, a minimalist workout, but did all 1000 im at a good clip, was better oddly enough.

Not sure why I'm swimming, that is what i was thinking about when I was dragging myself to the pool.  Used to be I wanted to look as good as possible when you saw me with my clothes off.  Now?  I have no idea.  I guess I can stop anytime I want, although I am considerably calmed down.

I could be exploring grants right now, there are several options there, I could be filling out an application form for Leep or editing or looking over references I've been given and on and on.  I could even be developing new applications; but not just yet.

Instead I am watching the wind blow outside, rehydrating and waiting for the seminar in 50 minutes, too soon to walk the dog too late to...well too late for swimming to do any good, it seems to be too late for everything.

329ish22

 It is 7pm on the 28th.  I'm going to start this post for tomorrow.

Radio silence, although I did follow up on the foia thing this evening. Tomorrow or the next day I need to begin on phase 2 with the overly silent labs, the ax program and the sheets of paper for ipac.  It is a lot to do.  I have finished the other things which needed to be done other than paying.  This list is far from inclusive, it runs on for page after page.

I swam today, the full 2000 despite feeling terrible, the opposite of what i expected after 4 days off, neither wanting to go or having energy or extreme flexibility.  The only good thing is that it is done and even after 4 days, I show 2 swims of over 2k each over the last 7 days also 5 walks and a run, but no rides, perhaps that will be the path to the office tomorrow.  I'm too tired to think about it now.

I had a bowl of cereal for dinner, but I'm still hungry, so I will return to this later.

Now its the 29th.  I guess i've turned into one of those people who write what they do for exercise every day, but i rode my bike in pretty substantial fog to the office today which is minimal exercise, but was challenging nonetheless.  I have noting else planned for the day, I have more than you can imagine to do anyway.  

It is complex then quiet than complex again.  I've done more than my share of reaching out this week, so from here on out it is more about forms for the rest of the week, plenty of that.  I would like to be a soldier of fortune going forward, but there is much to do to make that happen and perhaps in a less romantic sense i already am.  I addressed a letter to china today, a step in that direction.

Tuesday and I have my intensity minutes in, but the bike ride both ways is really only a short one way ride, but it looks better when it is cut in half.

Had an exceptional Mediterranean turkey wrap type thing for lunch.  Spent some time watching the pool robot do its thing and filled out paperwork that did not make any sense and checked to see if that offer would materialize that would change the way i am living my life.  worked on the deck some, the weather was perfect.

the birds have been noisy, a military jet did some touch and goes. it is peaceful and things are happening all by themselves, but there is so frigging much to do it is hard to think about any one thing.

The day is waning quickly, it is time to do whatever it is when I am not working.

32822

 This month is almost behind me.  While everything is in place, the next round of deadlines, albeit ones which require little work from me, looms in  just a couple of days.  Whether to pursue anything next remains to be determined.

I am in the sun, partially, for the first time today, it seems like the first time in days I am warming up. The plan is to swim later today, more work to do first, despite a frantic and largely productive morning.

I took a step closer to selling this house, whether that leads to anything in the future remains to be seen.  If it happens, it will happen very quickly, 

Lunch was good, but i snacked afterwards, nothing unhealthy, just so much bulk when i have too much of a gut anyway.  I seem to be losing that battle right now.

In terms of acceptance, I have to wonder where I am at.  I suppose I feel pretty good about it right now, although I am sitting with birds singing and sunshine and the true heat of summer seems far off although it is really around the corner, the house is probably going to sell what with the crazy market and all and there is at least a possibility if not a probability of traveling somewhere to pursue my physics with whatever fresh start that includes.  Maybe I will start another blog, who knows?  It has been so long and so much stress and so much is behind me and so much should be taken care of next month.  Am I forgetting what i cared so much about and why I cared or am i just exhausted?

32722

 I have been up for hours, it is almost 9, and yet i still have not finished my coffee.  i have been running around all morning doing little odd jobs and my legs are tired.  I rock climbed yesterday for the first time in a long while, otherwise, i have largely taken time off although i certainly have gotten my steps in walking the neighborhood.  I will say even though i only did two climbs, they were both challenging to me and I feel like i used muscles long dormant.  I would like to add it to my exercise routine although as I recall before covid the hours were too sporadic to plan for, although self belaying walls means that the need to coordinate is limited, replaced with the need to trust a machine not to drop you to your death or worse.

I am tired today as I am every day I do not wake up with you which is, after all, every day.

One of my science associates shared an article saying information was the 4th state of matter, of course, when you identify the form and function of such a thing it is frustrating and a little insulting to see others claim some wonderful insight.  I always knew someone would come along and take credit, although my proofs of priority run deep given the patents filed.

It is strange how little of the expected information came on Friday.  It makes for more work and expectations for tomorrow which was already a full day.  I will probably take the one more day off from swimming and add that to the busy monday, although I have to give that some thought.

32622

the house thing came, i have not looked at it but i know what it says and how to reply to some extent.  Nothing is simple, nothing is complicated comparatively speaking.  I am not sure where my science stands, it is too complex a question, too much is being developed too much is being sidelined.

the other news, that would state where things standtosome extent  did not come.  i do not see that as a negative, although I can imagine why it might be.  perhaps it is what i sent which was complicated but not of uncertain value.

i dreamed about being with someone who was not either of you and who was strange and perhaps some sort of composite person.  passion in my dreams, but not in my reality.

maybe that is what is held for me.  the house thing that i need to do for reasons that have nothing to do with anyone else and then perhaps the rest of my property will finally sell or perhaps it will not but those type of problems are almost behind me, rear view mirror issues and questions about where my mail needs to go and why.  I have started that process but i have a long way to go.

So nothing from nm, nothing from fema despite deadlines yesterday and the house thing is more likely than ever to happen.  The end of my personal liability, i am not as free as a bird, i still have many things to deal with, but they begin to approach a place where i can deal with them except for you, how do i deal with you?

I looked at the mail thing, i will have to look deeper.  issues of where to do car tags and the like, they are things to deal with.  all the stuff of life, where does that go?  What to do with computers and desks and chairs.  I suppose I could build a storage center on my property, kill two birds instead of one.  I wonder what percentage of things could be arranged?

I just know i would not want to have to deal with it on a day to day basis.  I suppose it is silly to think about something like this, better to sell it and be done with it even though with inflation selling all this property makes no sense.  now if you were there...

some things are not worth thinking about.  I must be planning this around a move which is what is really weird, that i do not even know whether that is to a specific place which can ruled out or in.  I wonder about using  my office as a storage unit. A few additional safeguards and it would exist as one and if things were crammed into it, it would work and in the end there is not so much to deal with, more of a question of what can be written off as a donation or be part of a fire sale over time even from the office or where it sits.  are there not web sites for this.

What are used kayaks worth?  perhaps with the internet there is a market for that stuff.  And the total amount receivd...it would probably make more sense to get a value on it and donate it to charity.  If the car market made sense so would that.  I have some calendaring to do, some planning if things do not go well on the tech front and of course there is the problem with the progress being made locally.  Well, it will take some time to clean that up, but relatively speaking a lot will change no matter what soon and i need to figure out how to fit within that change.

and does any of that matter, or is the only thing that matters you?

3.25.22

 cold this morning.  sitting outside anyway drinking coffee, waiting for the sun to clear some clouds in the east.

it is too cold to stay out here too long.  the news has to come today, i am hopeful as always, but there has been enough disappointment that i expect that.  i do think i have the two bites and the two programs are there and the potential for something grand which is now a week old, but will be subsumed into the programs if it does not happen.

all in all, it is a time for patience and reflection and work, the 3:5 drawing needs to be made from the drawing i just made tying all the elements together, for example. I would rate the coffee as adequate this morning, not particularly good or bad.

The house thing will move forward to a point and if that is gone then what are you going to do?  I expect that and the news of the day any time, so I am going to post this and deal with all of the scary stuff for tomorrows post.

It is weird to think of what that means in terms of what happens next.  It is a relief to be in two big programs, but it will mean a lot if the technical end of things leaves the small University system.

It continues to be pretty unbelievable how much work there is to do, but all how much has been done.

I did do my walk and some minimal exercise and I may even go to the gym later.  I needed to take time off and had this grand plan, but I did not enjoy the time off even if I needed it, still need it. I think after the concentrated exercise, the idea of just stopping for 4 days was a little too much because I think everything would lock up and while I slept fine, it was hard to get to sleep and I woke nervous.

So even though it is early, I will stop here and let the suspense build as it has been for me for the last week or so since i heard about the deadline.

3.24 22

 Minor news not good  but nothing of consequence, but there is still time and if not today then it will have to come tomorrow. 

first day of limited exercise. will have to do more tomorrow, this doesnt work for me

3.23.22

 Swam early, dreading it was making it harder to work.

I did the drawing today showing graphically the mathematical relationship of all of  the parts after the establishment of dimension, it was an interesting exercise.  I could include it here if I wanted, perhaps I will.   It is a surprisingly simple drawing for the complex emotions I feel.

I wonder if there will be enough of me left on Monday to move further with this.  Would you be there holding my hand if things were different I wonder.  And would I recognize you if I could not see your eyes?  Would it be worth it to find out?

Well, for the moment everything is working, I was somewhat surprised to finish 2025 yards and to get in all of the im given the way i felt.  Not setting records mattered not all all compared to finishing.  Who knows what it will look like tomorrow or the next day or the day after that, for now I have 3 swims over 2k, 3 rides over 7 and 3 walks over 3 which is enough for now.

I am less than 200 hits from 100,000.  Who the hell is reading this thing?  The russians?  I hope so, get the hell out of Ukraine.

I now have 4 walks in, something I did not want to do; but it is done.

The weather, at least, was pleasant.

3.22.22

 I decided to ignore that angel on my shoulder and to file the request for a reconsideration.  I think I toned it down, but who really knows?  I used some bold, standup language, but stopped short of calling anyone a horses behind, at least directly.

Perhaps  I should have gotten some help with it, but I was a little irritated and mostly felt that I had done what I could and that the kind of prejudice reflected in the rejection would be difficult to overcome and getting it out means i do not have to think about it anymore.

I worry this will trickle down to the other application which is filed or the others to be filed, but I am attempting to educate as much as I am attempting to get the grant and expect very little from this other than taking a stance from which I can continue.  Still no word on the other pending grants.

I should be preparing more of these, I have a list, but I am in a couple of programs, there is this ptac thing, and so very much else is going on and Friday is a big day for seeing what the future holds and it is not far off.  Moreover, I have been consolidating information so that when I decide to move forward the science will be in place.  And then there are the new partnership opportunities which may be what I need the most, a revitalized usa, ptac and the two funding tracks.  I sent something on Friday that should have resulted in a response by now; but there is no hurry, too much feedback coming this week to be rushing anyone else.  It should be Friday the 13th; but I am in a good place, if not a great place for the moment even if Friday turns out to be a disaster otherwise.

I had an important meeting cancelled without explanation for next week; but it was cancelled before because of an emergency.  It does make me wonder.  Will I get another one?  It is almost like one of your unilateral decisions, not thinking like a couple even when that might be appropriate.  The cancellation bothers me, there should be some sort of explanation, but it is early one may be coming.  Perchance a response to my latest disclosure or because that requires some deeper consideration?  That would not be ironic, because the meeting should not happen if that disclosure is in the way of it.  Or perhaps not.  My life continues to weird me out, living by luck still despite what I would think of as a certain level of skill.

Hours of time on the phone, replaced with these snippets, what is more sad, that burial of love or the burial of this science under a pile of ignorance.  I think we both know the answer to that.  Cold comfort.

Stairs for 22 minutes, not on a particularly hard level, then a few sets of a few machines of weights, a little more than i do at home but not much.  I was tired.  the plan is to swim tomorrow and then have 4 easy days, the first long recovery in several months.  That I may do more than I plan would not be unexpected, but I am hurting inside and out, more inside; but still both.

3.21.22

 It's been a long day already.  i had to take a break and go for a walk because of the frustration i feel and it was a good thing too.  Someone who clearly did not look into it, called my science dubious.  The nerve.

  Now I have to decide whether to go for a swim also, having gotten already the requisite 80 intensity minutes for the day.  I've been eating too much not to swim, I fear.

So now I have swam 2150, that leaves me tired.  Some good and bad today.  Did most of the work that I needed to do.  I will learn between now and the end of the week the first verdict from the nLs.  It probably includes the second verdict.

i have multiple projects going on over the next few months in any event.  2 have a funding path, certain or near certain with a favorable verdict.  I have an appeal to request, it is already written and logical, but it probably will have little effect.  Dubious, because the world is run by minor tyrants who are also close minded morons.  We can be thankful for people like me who have the wherewithal to go on.  Strangely Friday is also the latest deadline from FOIA.

Not expecting much there.  My needs are great right now, not expecting any help for them, but they are what they are.  Waiting for news will be the theme of this week, but after a 3 mile walk and 2100 yards of swimming i suspect i will be able to sleep at least, although how i can do that without you remains a  mystery despite my exhaustion.

This weekend is going to be one of great unpleasantness; but doing those obligatory things that must be done.  That being said there is a lot that is good that is going to happen and I am glad for that.

I dont know that we can hold out that long, at least not me.  I have to prepare for something even darker than evening that is descending on me.  I  know you share this stand with me and I wish we could find comfort in this together. 

3.20.22

 I woke up to visions of energy, more particularly of movement; and of aging that were more clear than before.  They can be summarized as "if a rocket was built of the right selected information, it would fly itself into space" (the same thing that powers my quantum radar after a fashion); and I thought of aging in that replication is less important than organization; but neither of those things means much out of context.  My thoughts then turned to you as they always do and questions about whether i deserve you and whether it is too unfair to you to want to share this with you.  The clock ticks, decision making processes move forward, I can only scream from my isolated hole in the ground, but the next decision i am waiting for will come this week, for better or for worse for richer or for poorer and I cannot help but hope because it is a place that we both could share.  cruel fate does not want to make things easy for me, it wants me to force the issues.  

It was a more reasonable time frame, the cats are fed, i have eaten and i am having my coffee and it is 630 and growing light outside.  It is cold in here.  Oddly enough when I checked earlier it was 63 degrees.  I must keep a watch out for that number.

Today I will finish the white paper.  No comments came from anyone which surprises me very little.  I wish i had shared it with you.  I was physically tired yesterday.  I barely forced myself to do 2 sets of pullups, for example.  I was active, but not really cardiovascular although for the week i was 6 or 8 minutes under 450 intensity minutes and much of my days i am not wearing the watch that tracks these things.  I am not wearing it now.

I have a lot to do today, so I will publish this and get to my coffee and perhaps come back later if i cannot stay away longer.

scenes from 12 mile bike ride 

3.19.22 4 doors opened, maybe

 It has been a busy day.

I barely looked at work.  I slept late, after 7, drank my coffee and immediately started cleaning the house that should be our house because someone was coming to look at it and it is nothing but dirt and construction materials without you in it.

It looks good, although the pool needs to be sanded and painted.  It can likely survive this summer , but for what reason I cannot imagine.  I think about what I should try, perhaps the waterproof epoxy over the life that has taken over so much of one side.  I already have it, there is little to lose except the time in the experiment.  It was 68 degrees before things started to cool down, a mere 4 degrees below a swimable temperature.  Will I miss going to the gym?  Will I start riding there and lifting weights again?  Covid is a wild card.

I could tell the people who looked loved the house, and who wouldn't.  The world is ash without you in it, so I can sell a house that I love and which provided me comfort when you were not there, a cold sterile comfort.  The desk that I continue to use, that is a bright spot even today when I am tired from cleaning and walking the dog and all that dust I inhaled outside, outside which looks so nice and is so warm in the sun and cool in the shade.

The open doors hold a lot of work as the ticket to move through, maybe I will pick up the pen again this evening.  I will start counting down the swims that remain at the pool, one is due tomorrow although in the last 7 days I have 3 for more than 6000 yards and there is much else there.  Tomorrow, I think, I will ride the bike and take advantage of this weather before the heat kicks in.

3.18.22

 It was my anniversary today.  It should have been something very different, perhaps.  I swam 2000 yards after lunch with my chemical engineer who wants to run grants through his university.

One door I did not really like closed and 3 doors opened.

There is so much I would like to share, but I cannot share it here and I just do not know where to start, but it used to be that one door opened when another closed, but all of the doors are beginning to open now; and I do not think I could stand this silence but for the energy I burn off exercising, I set 4 time records and would have set a 4th, but my watch shorted me 25 yards and I had to get out before I could reclaim it.

3.17.22

 I am with Ukraine, but I have no problem with the Russian People, only the management.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktX8SR55siM

I'm considering that less is more.  Frustrated.  I feel like I am watching the world go by from a prison. 

There is so much good and interesting but it's useless and worthless without you. What is the purpose of this. 

Enough. On my walk I went by the waterfall and thought about the energy from the sun that powers it, evaporating the water absorbed by the air and it falls back higher and had a moment of clarity that exactly the same thing was happening in atoms and molecules just scaled Down exponentially and for a moment I could see what it looked like with such clarity. If we could share each other's mind only for a moment I feel we could figure this out.  Or is it only done illusion of the moment. 

St Patrick's day

515 am.  It is nice to have woken upwithout something immediate hanging over my head.  The next deadline is 4/15; an important, but unlikely program although i have been working hardest towards it.  I have another dozen likely that will come up.

My runway has been extended for quite a while on this project; my monthy expenses are going to go down; but i still have a lot to deal with and this is shifting things around and not eliminating them.

I spent another 15 dollars on a radio that operates with solar or a crank and whcih can charge a cellphone.    Watching the weather in new orleans.  One can imagine the conditions that would make the radio useful.  I have around 30.00 in this stuf, not exactly an insane amount, but i am likely insane anyway.  It will rain tomorrow.

The snow is melting everywhere.

The war goes on, making absurd purchases a little less absurd.  The lines of cars evacuating, the touching stories of displaced children being welcome into schools, the sad comparison with the african refuges, the guns on the street (it looks like texas) the horror stories as european cities, with their american looks, are reduced to smouldering ruins.  Eratic threats and a proxy war, a youtube channel that covers everything 24:7.

So if i have rice, beans and the type of radio that might make sense for hurricanes, how weird is that.  I wonder what effect this would have on us, i would very much like to go somewhere and ignore this; but then there is our science and more to do yet.

 Have I mentioned the gulf by jack Davis?  It's not a fast read but it is brimming with trivia and history of the gulf and reeks of the happiness we don't have apart. 

I wish I could wax on about my concerns with the other book in reading. I want to use some of my free time to finish one of the books or start on another. 

Where are you?

Am I too late to be posting a recipe for tomorrow, St. Patrick’s Day? 🍀

Corned Beef and Cabbage Soup - 4 servings

Ingredients:

1/4 cup diced onion

2 cloves garlic

2 stalks celery diced

1.25 lb. lean corned beef brisket (rinsing the brisket first will remove some of the sodium, but it is still fairly high and should be used only occasionally)

2 cups water

2 - 14.5 oz cans low sodium chicken or beef broth

1 bay leaf

1/4 cup chopped parsley

1 small head cabbage, cored and cut into 1 inch wedges

1 large turnip, peeled and cubed

1/4 tsp ground black pepper

Directions:

1. Add all ingredients to slow cooker, and toss to combine. Cover and cook on low for 7-8 hrs or on high for 3-4 hours, or until beef is tender and shreds easily.

2. Remove the corned beef from the slow cooker, place onto a cutting board and shred into bite-sized pieces with a fork. Return beef to the slow cooker and stir to combine. Remove bay leaf and serve warm.

Counts as 1 lean, 3 green, and condiments

3.16.22

 why on earth would i want to reach out, its not like this goes to the most important person in the world to me, right? And with this useless information?  I have some time to ponder this, at last.  You have no idea how much I needed to be finished with this.

Today, and before 2, I filed the document which has largely consumed me for several months.  It is perhaps 60% of what i am capable of which if it were 100% is 40% of what it needs to be; but it was time sensitive and i had to place this stake in the ground to secure this time for this moment and now i can breath, even as I know i will think of things which need to go there but which are not and to see that things which should have been a part of it somehow were not, but it is done and I will take a break from it and look at the other things which need to be done and..breath, just take a few deep breaths and maybe think on what needs to happen now that i am not trapped in this nomans land of intellectual inquiry and financial planning for the future where it could probably not be pursued at all and i would be happier, maybe everyone would be.

Oh and while driving to the gym (getting ready for the congratulatory swim) the disaster alert warning went off.  Not cool right now, those sirens are a little too much given what is happening.

My inner ear thing has gone off in a big way, earlier I was worried about losing function, i wolfed down something lunch which is like lead in my stomach but i was not sure how long this thing would take after basically working on it for the last 86 hours without any letup attempting to get everything where it would be at that 40 percent mark and where it could be filed even if it were not perfect and it took less time than i feared and it is done now, for better or worse, and i am going swimming.

So now I'm alone so I can sit naked on the deck and soak up some sun. Not a pretty site but how I miss you with the spring sunshine.  No good news just more work to do shifting back to grants. I did see some progress on peace with Europe so that's something to look forward to. 

Had to save the 8250 thing, it's gone with midnight but I'm celebrating and the swim left me mellow but melancholy and wanting to share this. 

Turned out to be a busy work day except for the swim.

 

3.15.22

How can I stand things? I'd guess it because I am so focused on this work.  I hope to create a long (12 month) deadline this week which will allow me to shift some of my focus away from this which will let everything else in.  I think you can understand this.

It is 630, almost, i have been working with the printout for an hour, covered in red, but it is not as bad as it could be, it will just be agonizingly boring to make changes and i am not nearly as far into it as id like.

I would like to get this off my desk, even if premature and unweildy; although that may not be wise.

The rain today, real and forcast gives me an excuse to drive and not ride my bike. i have been limiting my driving a fuel/solidarity thing, not that i have time to drive anyway.

Too busy doing things to live but perhaps doing something important, i do not know anymore.  the truth is the truth even if no one believes it, a lie and lie even if everyone believes it; what am i and what am i saying.

the only good thing about what is happening here is that there is nothing to distract me from work, i have to make up those distractions.

The war plays on the internet; but it is real for the people involved, their cities, homes and loved ones turned to ash broadcast in realtime in a way other wars have not been.  Weary little is being done to stop it, the war is being fed, not slowed.  It takes this stuff of mine and puts it in perspective.

I got a little good news which should make things easier; but the work on the document I undertook today has been tougher than I thought.  If I go for "rough, but adequate" which would get a date and leave a lot of work to be done down the road, then I'd say that I am close enough to the page limit that it can be done.  I'm going to post this and come back later if not too exhausted and finish it.  I think I need to go for a walk now to burn off a little steam so I can relax and continue working.

Close to something I can use, inner ear problem back will have to see what can be done tomomrow. 

31422 evening ed happy pi day

 Day 2 of the swimming sound experiment.

Noted before that headset came with weird looking earplugs.  Turns out they are made to tie to the headset.  Would this fix the problem?

It was a very long day, mostly spent staring at the computer, forcing myself through the complex edits that sometimes seemed to go well and sometimes made me wonder what I was even doing.  I needed to swim either way as the need to burn off whatever it is that doing that level of work required and I had done what I could printing out the next 20 pages that I needed to edit which would largely bring me to the end of the work and put me in a position to meet my time goals depending on how much I am willing to sacrifice and how many pages I was willing to go over the maximum.  I'm close in either event.

Again with minimal problems I managed to get the music on, not sure what the issues are with that being an easy thing.  Again they sounded distorted.  Would the earplugs make a difference?  I had already attached them so I had to wear them either way.

Sure enough the earplugs immediately settled the sound to some extent, but it was a lengthy instrumental, it still did not tell whether it would carry over to sound, but it did.  After what might have been a 500 yard instrumental, the sound of the song was not perfect, but as good as it usually is over headphones, the bone conducting over the ear apparently requiring headphones to eliminate distortion.  it was a great relief on several levels and it was a hard workout, setting 3 records and bringing the stroke count down to 12 where it belongs and ending with 2250 yards which is a better than minimum workout.

Interesting that it's also apparently Einstein s birthday. 

Getting back to swim stuff now I can listen to more sad love songs or if it can be figured out maybe happy love songs. I'm not ready to give up on everything Even if I have to give up on something because these are interesting days and every time I lose hope I think how light someone like you could make this burden. 

92721to31421

The time change has put me on a regular schedule which I am not altogether happy with.  It is after 8 and before I'd have a good part of a day's work done and I have as much to do now as I have ever had.  I have to get to work very soon in earnest.

I read this was the main Mayan food crop, amaranth grain.  Interesting it isn't eaten more.

10, even 11 exercises every 7 days as shown in any given day even if not all hard, mostly maintaining 6k swimming but not 8k yet, summer is coming but swimming in place will be an issue because it confuses other workout summaries.  Who cares? 

167 days and I have counted every one. 5 months and 14 days and every one has been a little darker for me than the one before. 

There are more important things but no one more important to me. I went to hell and you sustained me and I brought back fire. What are days compared to those competing flames.

31322

Sunday Morning, late

Daylights savings time put me more on a normal schedule, but it also means that it is quite a bit later in the day for the same amount of work.

It is unseasonably cool and the high winds of yesterday mean I have to get out the vacuum tools for the pool, but I think it will wait a day till its warmer tomorrow even though that comes with its own problems.  There will be some inevitable maintenance.  having 6000 yards banked for the week on my watch today is a day off from pool maintenance; not on patent maintenance.

My third screen seems to be out, perhaps the cold, but it fixed by restarting the computer.  Spent today reorganizing the documentation; exhausting but not too hard.  This could be so much easier.  I walked the dog, it was hot and cold, I'm hungry again.

Did some pullups today and the walk; but I need to do something more cardiovascular or more weight lifting which may or may not happen.  It looks pretty unlikely right now.  I found my library card, an unexpected perk to doing someone a favor (the brother of the friend).  Do you wonder if I think about calling you when I'm walking?  Constantly.

I'm also thinking about this whole living away from here thing which includes selling my office which is a pretty big deal. Look into virtual mailboxes if you want to see how weird this can get; but that's what I'm doing.  You'd rather not hear about it.

I can barely watch the news, I don't want to hear about it either.

I wonder how much more there is to know, do you?

31222 late night

 It is cold, i am cold.  a strange time of year for this cold, the groundhog was right for once.   That is the one sentence i should stay with, but perhaps there is more you would like to know.

I had lunch with a friend and his brother who i guess is also a friend.  He, the friend who is not the brother, although he is a brother, was walking with a cane from a second back surgury because the first one failed.  Back surgeries are a pathway down and i have those back stretches if anyone out there needs them. I tried to get the friend to try them before the first surgery, but he refused and what else could i do.  I offered to walk my dog with him.

We had talked about going to the boat show which i wanted to do, but i also wanted to swim and while the food was good, it was filing and i had two glasses of tea because they did not bring me any water and i was having a caffeine od like the fentenal od of west point cadets in the news and it was only going to get colder and after walking for god knows how long climbing in and out of boats i would have been wired and tired so i bowed out especially since the brother who is also a friend was there as was his son who did not eat with us.  

The sound experiment...went mediocre.  Suspect it was a combination of equipment problems and sound quality, but i did manage to understand some of it, what i would say should be our song i recognized but with such distortion it lost its value.  Despite having just eaten too much (a grilled fish poboy, fries and cup of gumbo; all of which were adequate, none of which were great) i managed to cut a couple of minutes off my total swim time and still finish the full 2k with the 1k of im fast  but not setting any records according to my watch and not at all satisfied with the experiment which i need to test with multiple angles and hope that i can make this work.

It was cold getting in and out of the pool, the water was ok and while i worried about all the food i had eaten, knowing i was testing the music made me forget about how cold it was going to be.  a group of people doing some lifeguard training had the door open when i got out and the blast of cold air when i was soaked and tired was a shock, but a warm shower and it was forgotten, glad i had the swim out of the way before the sun had set.

I ate too much to have a dinner so i ate an apple and drank water to rehydrate.  I bought some groceries and set aside $18 for prepping foods, a big bag of rice, a not quite as big bag of beans, a box of stick matches, a big thing of salt (.86 cents with iodine) and a mexican vitamin infused powdered milk product; probably enough food to keep a person alive for several weeks, properly rationed, and put it all in a pool chemical container that had been empty and clean for a while.  It is an embarrasingly silly thing to do; but it was less than 15.00 worth of food and if i had not done it, i probably would not sleep as well and i have a hard time sleeping.  And that is my fault and part of what i would like to want from you.

The joke about shovels was sort of funny even with all the subcontext, right/?  The apocalypse is not the way i would like it.

31222

I slept in it was almost 6 before i got   up.  i stayed up late watching preping videos and dreamed of fighting pirates and in the end searching violently for the fountain of youth, all very strange and discomforting.

After watching those videos, it is unlikely i will make it through the day without buying a bag of rice.  We live in perilous times or at least they look that way.

The serious preppers have 100 pounds of guns and ammo, but none of them talk about having a shovel.  They plan on staying put for 3 months while everyone dies, but what are they going to do with all the poop.

I am convinced the most valuable item after the apocalypse comes (which hopefully it will not) will be the shovel.

The least likely project is not progressing, it means what is pending is one quarter less and answers are put off at least till may for an answer. The response to the request for information delayed this time to 3.25 inexplicably and for inconsistent reasons, the most likely and immediately critical remains a mystery  This does not change anything with the presentations nor does it affect the progress being made locally which is the bright spot for now.

The wind  howls but it was supposed to rain last night and did not.  it is colder here this morning and I've watched the temperature drop through the morning in vermont while the weather deteriorates.

Everything is discomforting.

3.11.22

How to go on when the one who was life is not there?  I suppose the walk the dog problem offers something of a solution.  I have to walk the dog, but I need to ride my bike today for cardio; so I just ignore the dog walk which is later if I live that long and I enjoy the ride.

I had done some writing off, not happiness, not even acceptance, just knowing that I had to accept the inevitable; but I don't accept it.  I just ate half a something container of ice cream, that undermines what was otherwise a day with enough exercise and excellent diet because the truth is out there, the sun rises and falls depending on where we're at, if I don't say that then I keep eating ice cream till I'm the shape of a basketball and I can't have that because of what I want to be together.

Weird dreams.

Spent the morning watching stories, its 6am now and raining with thunder in the distance and the sky reflecting the morning, but in the bright lights of my office, it still looks dark.

In my dreams, which seemed to go on all night I found myself in several scenarios, none of which were logical, but many of which are fairly standard dreams for me.  I was in a concentration camp, trying to figure out how to get away by walking my dog; later I was in a standard dream where I am in a badly constructed, large old building with huge rooms, a questionable location, and bad wiring.  For some reason I have an office next to the bedroom with someone working there.

As some point I am touring a poorly drained, but large piece of land and then I am in and  out of bed trying to explain the sale of the land while falling asleep and also my business to some young man who may or may not be working there while dealing with lights that won't come on and other symptoms of dangerous wiring and a recalcitrant sound system that would not turn off.

I'm always trying to sell stuff in my dreams and in real life where my little piece of land which is so important to sell and drains well but over a large portion of the land is not selling as quickly as I'd like.

That is the end of the dream, this post is going on forever, reaching out to the darkness and the light.

At least there is no desperation in my life as there once was, unless you go outside of my little world here, desperation begins at the borders.

I am planning for the next move, I know it will not be easy; but I am planning, still waiting for others to make decisions as to where to go and when to go there and making some surprising local progress, today was a good day in that regard.

It is later now, the dog did not get too much of a walk, 2.5 miles, but that is a good enough walk for a day like today which is oddly hot and muggy and an old dog like that one.  There is a fire burning under the ashes, it has never gone out, but it burns hotter now and I do not know what to do other than stay away from the ice cream.

3.10.22

 Only by a small amount did seeing the war end beat out living with you as a birthday wish and perhaps not in my heart of hearts.  I know it is not what you want to hear.

https://www.hellenicshippingnews.com/all-at-sea-russian-linked-oil-tanker-seeks-a-port/

https://www.hellenicshippingnews.com/oil-prices-could-hit-240-bbl-in-worst-case-scenario-rystad-energy/

3.9.22

Eye problems returned 

3.8.22 late night edition

 Thought I would share something a little more in the weeds.  There is an article about sailors stuck in ports too as a link at the bottom, maybe.

https://www.hellenicshippingnews.com/aframax-rates-jump-on-risk-premium-fears-as-eu-eyes-shipping-ban-on-russia/

it is surprising how quickly acceptance gives way to hope and regret.

Almost ready for the march presentation, a rough copy is sort of finished.  tomorrow is another day, the big project looms over me, growing in complexity even as work is done, it is the hydra that grows another head every time one is cut off.  That is true of my feelings, i suppose.

3.8.22

I woke up to the sound of thunder.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mRFWQoXq4c

3.7.22

Back to one line posts, sigh.

3.6.22

 Sunday morning

This weekend has not gone well.

The problems that i have are comparativey small; but I have gotten nothing done this weekend past the mundanity of being alive.

Like this walk in the fog this morning, trying to beat the heat that has already become inevitable even though it has not come to the water temperature yet.

I had quite high expectations, but my cousin came to town, the morning evaporated and then the evening.

I could be working now, of course, but on the walk I listened to the news and it left me unhappy and wanting for something more practical.

I am waiting but i do not know what i am waiting for.

There is a lot of project to do today; I picked it up and put it down, daunting work, but one step at a time.

I am eating a lot, always hungry, so i am trying to focus on eating healthy snacks, but it is surprising how hungry i am all of the time.  i gained 4 pounds back from nm, where we should have been, i should have reached out when you did not I suppose.

but it requires more i suppose to understand the movement of time and space

i am trying to get back and then what will you do?  it is about me or it is about you or it is about time and space and us.

4am again

 I have had a relapse, from pretending acceptance.  It was never fully there.  Does it take an eternity to stop this train or is it just that I do not want to?

Either way the result is the same, love does not die, it merely bides its time.

I was up again at 4, although it is 5 now.  I slept enough I think, because i only woke up twice.  I wonder if it was getting some sun on my legs.

I suppose I need to go back to the other blog and limit this one to a word or two.  I want to share my coffee, but I also want to run away.  I have made a lot for me to do and if nothing happens during this next project round I do not know what it will mean.  The need is to make something from this and I am uncertain whether I can.  It is the details, not the concept that create this challenge.  I do not have a lab in my basement.  I have seen those before, but I do not have one.  I am old and the type of studying I am doing is enough of a struggle without adding the dirty hands part.  I believe I have the people lined up for that even, but I need a sponsor and I have not heard from the sponsor yet.

The presentation went as well as could be expected, I changed a thing or two and added some clarity where it needed to be added.  I am educating my peers, if i can call them that.  I am a charlatan from their perspective.  12 years of loving you and doing this, two aspects of something very complicated walking side by side when the goal is something so simple and unrefined.

3.4.22

 

This morning wasn't too bad.  Did not get up too early, did not drink too much coffee, walked the dog before it got too hot.  But it was not a good day and it got me thinking about what a good day would look like.

In this world, the whole thing in Ukraine bothers me and it bothers me that things may even be worse in other places, in Africa, where the suffering is taken for granted.  Here it is too hot in the sun and too cold in the shade.  The pool is 62 degrees at the million dollar mansion, 10 degrees too cold to swim even without thinking about what comfortable would mean, and I swam yesterday and already walked the dog, not far enough, and I am tired.

A good day would be waking up with you in Italy in a world where there was no war, where there were not articles about how to deal with nuclear war in my news feed, I would not have sent myself an article to send to the USGS explaining how if they were not so conceited, we'd be halfway to an answer by now.  I wouldn't have to solve these problems by myself. 

I wouldn't need to be younger or have better coffee, it would be enough knowing that we were going to have our coffee after waking up, talking about what we were going to cook and how we are going to do it, not being any younger, but not being any older.

I still have to prepare my paper for the 9th, it is not as important as it was and it will likely amount to nothing for reasons that are unfair to me and to everyone else.  I know there is a way around the problems, but I also know there is no way around the problem and that I have an alternative and that I will be pursuing the alternative and maybe that will make the perfect day someday, even if it can't be with you and even if that means it can't be any better than today.

The sun is setting, the last of the too hot in the sun of the day will soon be gone.  The bells sounded 5pm and the night looms before me dark and menacing.

3.3.22

 It was a long and tiring day. 

It was filed with some tension and a lot of relief. 

I swam then rode my bike, experienced a power outage an hour before my presentation and struggled with an out pouring of love and passion, dulled but the tension and exercise. I did the full 2000 yards.   I've been drowning my anxiety in activity. 

My stomach hasn't been right for a while I need to cut back on coffee, eat slower, stress less and see if that helps or if it's something more serious. I wish I didn't have to see the news.

I have some perspective on the work and things, but I can't help but imagine it is nothing more than a bridge to being with you. 

3.2.22 the next big thing

 Grant us some peace.

I have the next presentation tomorrow, then in 7 days the one after that and then perhaps a break for a few days.

I am excited about the possibilities, but i know these things take time.  Not 12 years, that was unreasonable.  I wonder if the change is coming or if these presentations are merely steps on a longer path.

I have had a lot of trouble watching the news to the point where i avoid watching it.  I walked today, it was hot and was prevented from swimming by a meeting so i fell a little behind, tomorrow to take away the pressure I suppose i may have to swim.

How I hate the stupidity of allowing great men and women to die.

Ilu

3.1.22 The future

 

Yesterday afternoon I watched two B52s flying in tandem below 5,000 feet and I wondered if it meant anything; perhaps it was just be a mardi-gras themed flyover; it was still very real.  When you see something like that in days like these you wonder where you are and where you should be.

It's the day after carnival (named after some meat derivative latin phrasing) and for a time yesterday, I actually felt I was alive again, nothing to do with the weirdly placed and largely ignored holiday.

Today, the grim realities came back, the things I wish I could say, the questions that were not asked haunting me and the coffee is not working even though my watch says I got just over 8 hours of sleep.  

The next 10 days are full of events and decisions and i am once again waiting when it seems like i should be doing something else.