i am too close-a dramatization

I am attempting to delve into the universe
to understand what others have written
and I find myself increasingly possessed
by the things which are being studied
The closer I get to an understanding
the more sick i feel inside
i've known for some time there was something wrong
lately i suffered increasingly by nausea
and the feeling of being disconnected from everything else
a dizzyness that threatens to pull the world from under me
I can close my eyes and feel the uinvirese spinning below me
i can feel the worm inside of me
sucking whatever life I may have left
perhaps i should destroy the equipment i am making
the things which push towards gravity instead of away
the coils and wires, the metals and alloys
which show that we can only determine how to escape
by moving closer to the source
the source which is one place deep inside
even though it seems to be far away
but my life is forfeit to the things that I seek to capture
if something happens to me who will destroy what I've built
and who will take it and do something else with it
even as I write this, it seems to recede from me
and i don't know how much closer i should get
to a universe which has no love and no reason for us
if it is really this easy to get to the center of the universe
why does it take my sense of peace to get there?
Don't tell me that I need to see a doctor
no one can take away the signularity
no one can give me more time
if the radiations of the uinverse have taught me anything
they have taught me that time is the one radiation that matters
everything else is just a manifestation
we sit here acting like we can understand
when the most fundamental energy is a complete mystery
we can turn matter into light, we can take light and stop it
but until we can add an hour to our lives
we are just rubbing sticks together
and what happens to us if we have the chance to change time
so perhaps i should destroy everything I am building
lest i begin to take myself too seriously