My road-or not

Or not.  Perhaps I was in love and she was merely suffering from her own delusional martyrdom that had kept her free and unattached until I, the ultimate person in need of salvation, arrived.  For I was crushed financially, mentally, physically and I had my mental illness which was so subtle that it is only obvious to those who are trained to see it.

So let me point out that she was unattainable to me.  It was not just the circumstances as I have led you to believe, but her mental superiority, her superior beauty and upbringing.  The only thing that I had going for me was that I was unusually clever, not intentionally but from the unique interaction of my limited but focused intellect, a classical scientific education and perhaps more than a touch because of the false self-confidence which resulted from narcissism.

In addition, on purpose, in retrospect, she was sabotaging our relationship, even while professing her interest in it.  I don’t know that it was conscious, but her mind operated on so many different levels that it could easily have thought well ahead of our unconscious coupling to foresee what life would be like with a quasi-madman like myself when things returned to normalcy; which they almost would for me in the end. 

What I needed was a steady hand, what I got was her on again, off again attitude about us.   At one moment she would stand ready to sacrifice everything, pick up and leave all that she knew for an uncertain future, as long as we were together.  And then, mercurially she would spin around and cut me off completely, with nothing more than a harsh note.  How harsh, I’m sure I have one in my mind and will, in due course, tell you.

How was I to know this was not a reflection of her attitude, conscious or not, about relationships in general or ours specifically?

I certainly was thinking about giving up on everything that I had, and while it was lost, it was surely coming back by this time, at least the potential was there. And I was not just thinking, I was planning on giving it up.  And when I looked at her, I realized I was giving it all up for someone who might drop me at a whim.   She had, after all, admitted to me, to me directly, broken hearted and forlorn at her words, this great love with all her past lovers.  And yet where were they now?

And you are asking how can a narcissist be insecure, you know nothing about living within the diseased mind.

She didn't understand she needed to be constant especially when I started to realize that I wouldn't die, that day would follow the long night of my misery.  She didn’t understand the change when I mistakenly started to think of living again instead of the terminal living that had given me the power to solve my problems so a future was possible, to become healthy again, to make her mine.  A terminal blind man is as free as a man with three eyes, but a blind man who is going to live craves certainty and a type of security to replace the colors of vision.