The Sumerians disappeared completely from history, and yet they invented modern writing and accounting, the Greeks apparently obtained their calculus from this lost race that survived only because it was buried deep in the sand. Why? Was it that despite the beauty of what they accomplished that there was something so sad, so tragic about them that history chose to leave them buried rather than preserve their memory? I cannot take that choice. I tell you this story because it is the story of something so beautiful, that no matter how painful its loss, it has to be preserved. It is also, because I cannot live if I cannot believe it can be saved. I know as we sit here today and it appears lost to time that I sound insane, but if it is so, it is because losing her love, losing her to the stream of time has driven me insane. Logically I abandon her, emotionally I will be tied to her till I die and I accept that with resignation, but not with regret, for such is my belief, however misguided, such is my mental disease. such is my love.
We had not yet begun to quarrel but we did occasionally fight. That may be hard to understand, but in
context you will understand it. Her
anger at me would flare after we’d spent time together, even something as
innocent as hiking and lunch. During
the hike, it would be far from innocent.
But then we would shed our clothes and get in the pool and it would get serious
and then, for nowhere in the middle of a kiss she would push away, livid. I was
so short sighted at this time that I thought she was angry at me. I was the target, but she was angry with
herself. I was too wrapped up in my own
problems to admit it, but it was obvious enough. The solution was obvious, but there were
subtle undertones.
In turns, she made me believe she was ready to abandon everything for
me. And then just as quickly, that she would
abandon what we had together. I was
uncertain if she was sincere and yet I now know she was sincere in both. I did not yet see her motivation was to save
me, I did not realize how important it was for me to save her.
And yet, some of the best loving making took place at this time
and we made as much time as we could both spare to be together living so far
apart and being so busy with our own problems and our own separate lives.
She would do her best to provide us a home. There was a night of domestic love. I suppose you want to hear about it, but it
isn’t so complicated. She asked if I
wanted to watch a movie. We were, at
this point in time, very much in love, but not as sure about the sex. So we put on the movie and, as people who are
in love will do, we curled up close to one another. The small couch seemed enormous and every
inch that separated us was a canyon. The
movie was an indie movie that required a lot of attention to follow its twists
and turns and neither of us had the ability to do and soon we were engaged in
our own twists and turns. My arms went
around her and our lips touched. Even
now I can feel her thick hair in my hands as they ran through it. We would take turns watching the movie and
watching each other till at last we abandoned all hope of watching the movie
and the gym shorts she was wearing came off.
My hand had been in them on and off, from the top or bottoms for most of
the time we had sat anyway. And my hands
did touch her all over, rubbing her back and sides and legs just to get the
feel of them, moving under her shirt to feel her firm stomach, to cup her
perfect breasts, moving up her short even as far as her neck.
The story progressed, because it must progress, memories of the emotions
buried in exhaustion of mind, spirit and body.
The eye of consciousness must be made to look coldly on events
lest the days be lost, even if all beauty in the day is lost, the time itself
must be preserved.
You think I hurt everyone? I
think they hurt themselves. Think how
lucky she was not to have me, think how unlucky it was for anyone to hold onto me. What did I have to offer to anyone?
And you ask what did they see in me these women of my past? The truth is that the virtue made me look
powerful, independent and capable of love, but it was a thin veneer. The challenge was to incorporate virtue into
who I was, a challenge I was not up to.
And I was not even conscious of the challenges I faced. I knew
where I was. I was obligated to one woman and in love with another.
It
is impossible to describe how deep and how pure my love felt to me. it
was the difference between an untouched mountain lake and the sludge that
washed up on the beach during the oil spill.
My willingness to accept self-sacrifice was both noble and had
little to do with love. My focus should have only been on living and love. My thoughts were honorable now, but my
actions were inconsistent. The
inconsistency came from a lack of honesty.
The honesty was absent from the virtuous mind because of the fear and
uncertainty I experienced. While I gave in
to fear on occasions due to the level of despair, the solutions that appeared
within my reach kept me tied to my old religion of money. Had there been total failure I would have
been much better off, but at this time the second bank settled. The settlement was accidental, so the bank
continued to battle me on this issue, but it had been logically based on my
economic condition and a reasonable offer.
It appeared that I had the upper hand.
Honesty was missing because fear was present.
Terminal love joined
terminal life.
But still we loved and to me it was a deeper love than I had ever
had and I dare say deeper than most people will ever love. Perhaps she never shared that because of the infidelity. But for me, it was total, the infidelity the
price that others had to pay for forcing responsibilities on me against my
choice. And we shared events every day.
Not a little every day, but in depth. We
felt we were together, whether we saw each other or not, in the work we did,
the books we read, the things we heard; what we said to others, what we did,
our failures and our triumphs. And for
both of us there were triumphs of intellect and spirit at this time, me by
virtue of…well virtue. And her because
she had that much power naturally, she lived in a state of virtue and did not
have to achieve it.
And, there was a special aura when we were together. We grew time.
The sum of us together was greater than the parts.
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