I am less than nothing. Nothing would be boring an irrelevant, but I am danagerous. A menace to those who love me and those who are ambivalent to me but are in proximity to me. I am knowledgeable of what is around me and am, unconsciously, unconscious to anything but my own comfort and safety. The worst people in the world are unable to see their own evil and thereby attain a certain grace of innocence. Not I. I know of the evil that lurks within me. The inability to sacrifice myself for others. I was, once, in a state of grace and having lost everything as a result of avarice in a position to live for others and to become something greater than myself and for a short time, a very brief time lived in that state. A state of virtue. But this is my road to virtue and back. I started black heart that I am and there I have arrived.
it is also about cowardice.
I know that existence is about change. I know that decisions can be made with impunity because they've all been made before. "Unfortunately sometimes one can't do what one thinks is right without making someone else unhappy." (The Razor's Edge). I know this, and yet I am too much a coward, despite my knowledge that I can act however I chose, to act if it makes someone unhappy. I cannot even make myself happy. I know how to make things right at least for myself, and I cannot even do that, much less make things right for anyone else even if I desire it. It is little enough that I can write about it.
And I have been called this very night an arrogant ass. It was suggested that this was a genetic defect which I passed on to my son who I would say is more guileless than arrogant, but then I was also both arrogant and ignorant.
It is important to know that part of my personality is shrewd and clever, but the other part is unable to hold a grudge, no matter how willing I might be otherwise.
As a result of that arrogance, I barely lived being so unaware of death statistically amounts to a miracle which brought me to the point where I had sufficient wealth, by the cleverness and credit due to frugality to take part in real estate speculation that would lead, as a result of my lack of suspicion inevitably but most indirectly to despair, then virtue.
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