Day 349 of the apocalypse

I have been up for over an hour, even though it is long before sunrise.

I wrote this post over and over again in my head as I tried to go back to sleep 

before surrendering to this time which is ours to share, mine alone to experience

I chose this, I knew eventually how much it would hurt.

The lack of sleep and the 20 or so grant-let precursors I have to put together

the science that I have to lock down, the exercise

they kept me numb enough

and the shock, 

and the guilt

you chose poorly, you pay a price

10 years ago you sent me to hell

and i came back with fire

Prometheus reborn

Now you send me back to hell to push that rock for eternity

I saw in my struggles before I woke, corduroy, black

I could not understand why that would be associated with this

and then I realized it was turned earth, the grave

What kept me going for the last 10 years were those moments when I could hold you

they are gone

I would hold onto that dream forever,but we cannot live in dreams

I cannot ask anyone to live in my dreams because they are not dreams now

they are nightmares, a sleepless terror

punctuated with work, instead of clinging to you like a sodden life preserver

Knowing it could not stop me from drowning, but the least vestige of the world of land 

In the night I look for something from you, any small thing that tells me you are there

you have these, little as they are

I have nothing

If I could get past my own problems, I would ask for nothing

but to hold you every night

for us to be able to cling together

but you cannot do that and i cannot ask you to wait for something that will never show up

you saved me once, can't you save me again?

I told myself I would take those issues of the apocalypse and deal with them and those issues of a writers voice and deal with them, but the fire I brought from hell will not wait for me before it burns out.  

Knowing what comes next and what I have to do next overwhelms me, even though I have done what I would hope would be enough.  I have destroyed relativity and rewritten the periodic table; that should be enough, but perhaps it is not.

And there is this cognitive dissonance, this inability to look past superstitious beliefs, even those held in the name of what is called science, the same forces, I suppose, that keep us apart

I rode and did the outside weight work.

I could not make myself go inside after passing a covid test, i needed one day to enjoy that, especially as I feel...well the weight of the world, a lack of love and sleep does not leave you with a lot.

I feel the tears in my stomach, but I ignore that when I exercise and when I work, it is the price of fire.

Phys.org: Physicists invent flux capacitor, break time-reversal symmetry. https://phys.org/news/2018-05-

physicists-flux-capacitor-time-reversal-symmetry.html Shared via Google News

What is interesting about this story is that in a limited way in a limited place time, being a dimensional result, can certainly be manipulated, that process is called energy although doing it at a more subtle scale, absorbing energy, is something they have not yet seen, nor do they know, cave-men than they are, what lies next.

If they turned around, they would see me at the cave entrance holding a flame.