It's Thursday night and I am tired, but in all but the final steps and the necessary waiting time and normal precautions I have succeeded at last at chasing the wolves form the door. While their eyes gleam from without, the bigger issues now can be addressed.
One more long day tomorrow, but already I feel I can rest a little.
I have a great deal to do this weekend, but I have, to a large extent put things on hold, while the irrelevant successes of the last years of struggle recede for a moment, yielding their place to the things that really matter..
Today I will work as hard as possible, there is yet one thing to finish before moving on and it gets more complicated, it is like the herculean dragon that grows two heads for each one cut off; but it is a dragon of my mind.
I have to tune my guitar, I have to drink my coffee, I have to swim, I have. Ridding, running, swimming, drinking, writing, faster, harder, drowning out everything.
Swimming, drugs, work, all these things I use to crowd you out of my mind but you always come back, splintering the walls I erect. Indeed what is the monster, except proof that love is the strongest force, save irony, in the universe. For I have done what no one else could do for one reason only, so that I could scream I love you louder than anyone else.
I love those who I have brought into this tragedy, those few friends that I've had the opportunity to share my days with, and you.
You deny it to protect yourself from the betrayal, and yet you know it as well as I. The power of love if not its fidelity. And what is love other than the recognition of how much one person means to another, and what is the ultimate irony if it is not me, the idiot savant, the idiot servant, to the idol that is as cold to me as stone.
It gives me the power to see what no one else can see, even as it blinds me to everything else in the world.
How believable the complexity of our world, for what else would someone do than to make such an entertainment with all its richness, its pain, its irony. Great books rarely have happy endings, and so we have our endings.
I see so clearly everything, and yet I have done nothing to seize the trailing rope from the fast moving ship. I watch it take its cargo towards the setting sun, the cold moon, the cold water rises to engulf me.
I love you, I love, oh how I love you, and I've never seen better days. The end is near.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVZotZGuPRI
Are there better days? I cannot believe they exist for me, I cannot hope that I will suddenly change and become something that I have never been.
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