The fair lovers anniversary of my death.
It is 5:30 am. I did not even try to go back to sleep. My throat is sore, but rest is what this illness seems to want. The cats are fed, the dishwasher is running, i have my coffee beside me, it is dark outside, not really cold; but 57 degrees so there is a hint of winter or at least fall in the air. I looked and it is 30 degrees cooler in NM than here on average.
NM made it to SNL: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--G0WfT3SKA Wait for it.
I ate 1/3 of an apple pie over the last few days. How can I justify that? I am pretending that I need the extra calories to fight off this cold, plus look at the exercise over the last 3 days, well two of them anyway. i still work out in the hopes that we'll be together, a strange primary motivation, especially this time of year and with all of the problems I have that I cannot take care of and the fact that dead cannot date the living and that you have moved on.
https://scitechdaily.com/tetra-neutron-experiment-understanding-of-nuclear-forces-might-have-to-be-significantly-changed/ This is another of those things which AuT explains rather imperfectly; but explains nonetheless. It happens to be important in the next patent I am working on, and no you will not find these in nature or otherwise. .
There is some work on pretime/post time relativistic effects that is fairly interesting which i am working on. The deadline is now some 45 days away and while getting close and having a plan, it is not a good place to be. I will have other obligations and it is more of 30 days than of 45 as I slowly creep forward toward the end of time.
A group of tornadoes killed 100 people yesterday, it is something strange, terrible and rare. I am slowly making progress on cleaning the pool which is something of a fools errand, although necessary to sell the house. Inflation will make that easier, at least eventually, while making everything else harder.
Taking another tack starting next year on the lot sale.
It is late in the evening, 14 or more hours have passed since I woke this morning. I swam 1750 yards including all of the im, but only one 400. Then a one mile walk with the dog. Got up to 265 intensity minutes for the week. Did away with that apple pie from lunch, at least in my mind.
Speaking of a mind, I am not of a mind to give up on all of this thing even though i'm just talking to myself and living in a fantasy world of my own insanity. I think of you and your trees and those you share them with and I am angry and uncomfortable. I am waiting to hear about so many things, grants, discovery, new mexico and the thing which could replace new mexico which is unlikely but right for me. I'm essentially done with succession, very fast, I know. It will be missed. But everything gives way to my losses associated with my death in any event and the deadlines which approach with greater speed and finality. The only thing which seems to exist free of time and impermanence is the love which any other corpse would have abandoned weeks ago, burned the mental diaries; but I am a corpse with a memory and a ghost which exists by way of clinging to hope, however false.
I am not sure about the effect of this on that background illness, but i spent way too much time out with the pool, barefoot and in the cold this morning; and even so I think it needs another round of flocking because of the ineffectiveness of the damned pump. I'm going to run it tonight and reassess in the morning or afternoon depending on my ability to concentrate.
I had nothing but soup for lunch, but I had a couple of eggs, toast and veggie sausage for a late breakfast after cereal. And the pie, of course. I am not sure I shouldn't freeze or throw away the rest of the pie. For dinner leftover chicken and rice which did not live up to its billing so the recipe will not be shared or remembered.
Do not hate me for believing that had things been different, had you held out, we would be together in the cold wilderness, frighteningly dark at night, lonely in the light of day, ghostly.
No comments:
Post a Comment