4 and 41 There is still (bad) Poetry from 2014: knowing

Some things don't change, even if I'd want them to.  Some change despite my best efforts.

I look at this time count and the date 8/1 and wonder if I will hear by Tuesday.  This is disconcerting, an inflection point for better or worse.

I woke up at 4:30, which is good for me, it is 5 now.  I watched some of the diving, swimming and other events; but I did not heat my coffee yet although I did make it yesterday.  There appeared to be a troubling handoff to begin the 4x100 medley.  I like the Australian women's swim suits.

I wrote an extensive bit on the grant process, then cut it out.  I have to be patient on this; I have to be willing to continue working for free and getting the applications in.  There are literally 21 LOI type applications in; and the work behind them includes the nearly finished NPTE second edition.  It has to be enough for now and I need to continue the process focusing on the work and not what some government flunky thinks.

I was impatient and I spent some of the predawn hours making changes, getting more specific in one LOI which I believe I can amend today or more likely tomorrrow after I have more time to consider the changes, so that it does not have the typos which rushing left in it; and does look more closely at what is being done and why.

I did 30 minutes on the rowing machine and then 2 sets of long weights instead of the 3 sets of shorter weights.  I was up early (see the prior post) and it was hard to stay awake afterwards, I worked and dozed in the late afternoon heat.

I find myself missing you, wondering about the future, where I'd want to be if the world ended or where I'd want to be if it didn't end, hating the days that separate us.  It doesn't keep me from falling asleep in the afternoon, but it is an integral part of waking me at 3 or 4 in the morning.  I like being up in the dark and quiet alone.  I wonder how alone I can be, I think of the time coming which will test my ability to be alone and stay sane or not.

I will have plenty of work to keep me busy, but if none of the grants come through in the near term, it will be difficult work.

My linking algorithms keep showing dating apps and it creeps me out.  I'm not in a dating app place, but apparently that is something the internet throws at you if you are...I'm guessing human?

Like the olympics, it motivates me to exercise.

You might say, you have a lot of nerve being jealous; and yet...

Where's the logic in being alive, in this universe, in me finding myself where I am.

No logic, things just happen randomly, but of course they are not random.  That makes it all the more peculiar, to what end this strange set of steps toward death.

It seems that in January 7 years ago, I was not in a much better place.  Let us try to find a better place some time soon.

1/24/14

does knowing my love
has never diminished
is not diminished now
has been as strong
from the first moment
our eyes locked
our souls joined
if that is possible
for it seems so to me
does knowing my love
somehow reduce
the pain of separation
does it easy your fear
does it make better
the substitute lovers
who could never know
an intertwined embrace
as true as our limbs
who cannot love you
as fully as i love you
every day before
now and in the future
till death relieves me
the heavenly pain
when we're apart
when i cannot hear
your passionate voice
your crystal thoughts
when I cannot hold you
and tell you in person
how much i need you
how much i want you
how much i love you
all the time knowing
if i could only share it
if i knew  how to tell you
that you might understand
how deeply i feel this
me not knowing
if it eases your pain
knowing i love you