my road to virtue and back Chapter 12-before dispair

It turns out the tea I drink in the morning isn't totally decaffeinated.  It's close, but then I suspect in our world of dark fancy chocolates and clear caffeinated drinks, we shouldn't be surprised and I'm not sure that I care of that this betrayal matters in light of all the others in my life.
There is a caff-o-meter on BIGELOW teas (not the other brands I use) that shows coffee at 100-120 mg (I've had stronger), black tea at a third of that, great tea falling on either side of black tea, and the decaf chai that I drink at a whopping 1-8 mg.  Herbal teas are alleged to have none, but who knows what those herb are up to.
I long ago stopped putting milk in my coffee, something I sniffed out, something for the amateur coffee drinkers of the world.  But when you drink chai, it's often de riguer to add sweetener and milk, so I add honey which I've always thought without reason to have magical qualities and a little milk which perhaps makes it more coffee like with its 1% of the caffeine.
My dreams are obvious, trying to get somewhere by going into increasingly tight rooms, through more narrow and blocked doors.  Dreams of riots driving people from their homes which will never sell, set as they are against wall to keep out what?
I see the world clearly at 3am when I am up and no one else is.  It is interesting to be on this side of virtue.  Having come from a lack of virtue, achieving it to some extent and now being on the other side.  I am in my meetings trying to deal with my realities, my problems, the last of them shuffling forward like beggers asking for their part, too numerous to deal with them all, I must pick and chose among them.
The Soul of leadership is perhaps too good a name.  I was misled by my own interest, soul-less leadership.  This book harkens back to virtue and forces me to look to see whether or not to become what I want to be I must return to virtue and that means that to get what I want I have to go back to something I turned my back on.  It is ironic.
I'm not sure how spiritual and how factual this is yet.  So far it seems very informal, much like my diary book on self improvement.  Uneducated, a layman's guide to some spiritual mumbo-jumbo leadership.  And yet there are hints to a deeper, more researched approach in the asides about Ghandi, someone who must be always at the back of every modern Indiaman's mind.   Ghandi's leadership apparently came on a train where he was forced to surrender his first class ticket because of his non-white status and his willingness to be beaten rather than result to useless force which might justify the beating or cowardly surrender.  So perhaps this will teach me not to be cowardly or perhaps I will find the alternative too difficult to obtain, enlightenment of my soul too difficult with the surrounding dark things which have yet to be defined which limit my access to my own soul.