5.28.22

 I should be able to write how i feel at least once a week. There is a first amendment issue, at least in the depp-heard trial.  But perhaps this is not a firrst amendment issue and I am not going to write how i feel and if you are looking for that you can skip this post.

well, not about what matters.  i could talk about the insanity in texas and the strange balances and checks which is hidden, but maybe not here.

my vision is getting worse and i watched something where someone was accepting blindness; a hard thing for me to consider.  For the moment, i can write this and watch that, i can ride my bike and swim.  The pool is clear.

no word from nm.  i guess technically it wont even be late if i hear this weekend or today depending on how you count you week.  I still do not know what to do with that.  July is coming and things will happen for better and worse there.

I have needs that need to be addressed, perhaps that is what nm represents; for  purposes here we can focus on the steril things, financial and technical support.

The other thing, happiness, requires something which may not be possible from anyone left in my life, this gets close to feelings and it is enough to say the answer is out there somewhere, but i cannot tell today where it is and if it involves a search forward into the unknown or backwards.  The logic of looking forward is much like logic of looking back but the decision is not mine alone, it is something that requires insight into the human which is not part of this post.  it is the once a week that does not happen. I think the ability to refocus is due to the lack of information and in that sense perhaps the goal needs to be to stop here, caring is often doing what we dont want.  it is like the depp heard trial, 6 weeks of voyerism, would it have been better for some if they did not have to see it transpire in real time.  i have to admit i did not even register it until the last week even though it kept coming up on different feeds, but while i did not see it, it took up no oxygen in my room and when i looked at it, it took a lot of oxygen.

Speaking of oxygen, that is something that i am dealing with, while oxygen is a thing, it is really thermodynamics and entropy the flow of energy in one direction which is both a key rule of thermodynamics and a lie that i am looking at and how to take that lie and use the resulting truth.  this is a big part of what this weekend will be.  i should be on a bikeride to the gym to lift weights right now, i started writing this at 530 and it is more than 2 hours later; but as i finally rode again yesterday, i think i can do things differently and it will certainly be hot enough to swim later and i can do my minimal weights here in the interim.

That last paragraph was not on any rails, nor the one before, i am skating around the truth and it is time to focus on something i can deal with;  happiness will have to wait.

Much later in the day, i ate a lunch which while good left me bloatted, swam which left me bloated, but feeling a little less guilty about it.  I think I am over the past, but one lovesong seems to put me over the edge, even one that went onto my playlist more by accident than design.  

It is very comfortable out here right now, I am alone except for acat that does not like to be bothered any more than I would right now, it is relatively quiet, machine noises far in the distance for the moment, the temperature is about perfect so i have not put my shirt on which just means i can see how bloated i am, it is not a pretty sight; but i have seen worse, probably will see worse and if i sit up straighter it is not so bad.

I cooked these chicken thights (bone in 400 degrees 45 minutes) with 1/4 inch potato slices under them and brocolli which was a little over the top for lunch, but i had to cook this stuff before it went bad and I ate an avocado with it for the same reason.  That would not have been too much but i was still hungry when i finished so i added nuts and a yogurt with too much added sugar, a cheap brand I need to take off my list.  That was over an hour ago, it is 3:00 now and perhaps i will just eat fruit for dinner although i am always ravenous after swimming.

The pool water had dropped below 78 this morning, was back to 78 when I swam and was comfortable for all of that.  The 2000 yards barely done included some hard swimming and left my stomach in knots, bloated and mixed up.

There is a storm headed to the gulf next week and I miss the past so badly it feels tangible.  I am where I am because pain drove me there and now it drives me on, far past where I think i should be able to go, a mysterious future is before me and events mock me, i feel abandoned by everything that mattters to me; but I also wonder if I did not abandon everything that matters.