8.31.22

 Well, that was pretty stupid.  8.30.22 felt better and needed to do and weather was beautiful so i rode bike to office and back and everyting went pretty well, but coughing pretty bad now. (its 830 still).  Made a delicious sandwich out of some leftover chicken, no problem with sense of taste.  I wonder how close i would get to you with these conditions.

I am hoping that i am coughing up stuff that needed to coughed up anyway but i am also concerned i may have created a cough but it was a nice bike ride.

There are epic droughts, floods and wars.  what is wrong with people.

After the ride i jumped into the pool to cool down and probably waited too long to put in eardrops but not more than a few hours.  Even so I have to be more careful.  Can you imagine not talking?  I find the coughing is easier to control if i say nothing.  have a conference call at 3, a long one, but ive already said i wont speak  but will write any comments or do other follow up. 

There is a math issue with the modeling, just rearranging math, sort of obvious, but interesting and I have to wonder if there is not a better way to calculate it.  The concept is not that different, but rearranging math is a tricky thing at this stage.  I am debating on this, but i have to act relatively soon, 9.1.22 is my target date.

This is the type of thing that makes me wonder if i need to get my head examined.

I wonder how much I have messed this up and how much this works anyway, it is a very weird thing.

It's 7.  I didn't sleep worth a darn last night, my watch gave me 5 hours, but that seems a little optimistic.  So  no medicines tonight, just lemon and honey.  I have a new problem to go with all the others and I really do wonder what difference it will make.  is a weird thing among weird things in a life of weird things.  I often wonder if I am doomed to start all over again, a little worse off every time.

I've finally stopped coughing, I have had dinner, i am getting tired but plan to wait and hour, then it will be the 31rst, maybe a day i will feel back at 100% and there is much to do.

The 4 days since i have been sick seem doubled, but perhaps they are not as they also seemed to fly by.  It is premature to test before Saturday again so isolate either way.

it rained again today, hard enough to add some badly needed water to the pool.  It is beginning to get too far gone, but for now it is clear enough and if i screwed up a little in the treatments, the rain will even things out so i can  start again. It is dark now and i must turn my thoughts away from you, one of so many things that keep me awake.

512AM, already had cereal and I am sitting in my isolation suite drinking coffee which is a little too strong but tastes fine and i have my bottomless water to drink from.  My watch only recorded 6 hours of sleep last night, but even though I was up at 4, I feel it is a little above 7 hours.  I'd loosened my watch and I attribute the problems there.  I didn't spend the night coughing, my biggest fear and feel clear headed this morning if a little overwhelmed with what I have to do.

It is funny this thing with you, it was not noble although it well could have been 32 years ago if i had acted better, what an absurd period of time, 32 years, half of my life now.  Strange how fractions work, at the time it would have been my whole life and yours.  Nor did it generate something perfect and sublime unless you just like mathematics for some reason.  I told the producer yesterday that it is the most terrifying thing you could learn and not to learn it, because what is worse than learning that things inevitable, meaningless.  I do take the position that the study of this is the study of how to get beyond the veil, to control the machinery (technically to alter the programming or the computer itself that runs things); but that is a platitude, imagining the characters in a computer game will suddenly figure out how to run the player instead of the other way around.

I do feel much better.  A trace only of congestion, i used the breathing machine for an hour to push that out of the way, something that works surprisingly well from one person who snores to another and how I miss that.  There could be something of a sore throat, but it is secondary to the drainage i think as opposed to a non-bacterial element; i will have to heat up my body to deal with that which means at least some limited exercise, like walking the dog this morning.  He sleeps down here with me, he is snoring too.  It reminds me of NM, even the coyotes although they are quieter here in town.

"If you're mostly feeling well, especially if what is still kind of lingering is a cough or a little bit of cough tends to be the last thing to go away after any virus, it is unlikely that you are still spreading disease," Dr. Arwady previously said.

That is where I'm at today.  I could kiss you.  I know, 'kiss my ass,' or whatever you'd say that wasn't so crude.  It's a blog, it doesn't mean much.  I was pretty sick Sunday after having coming down with symptoms on Saturday, Monday felt better but still symptomatic, Tuesday felt even better still but was stupid, and Wednesday feel pretty much over it if there is no relapse or associated illness.  My Eustachian tubes are clogged up which is something of a problem and a source of bacterial concern, but not even much congestion other than that and the coughing is under control this morning (virtually none) although when I go walk later which I will certainly do to clear of the tube thing a little if for no other reason, it may get worse like it did an hour after the bike ride when it was spasmodic for a while.

It would be good to go soon, it is actually a little cool outside now although some of that may be tied to the cold.  Last night I had cold sweats and while i warmed up quickly it was uncomfortable.

I feel a little worn out, like I just exercised (probably partially sleeplessness if my watch is to be believed) and deep breath exposes a sensitivity in my lungs,

i weighed 169 today a pound under my target weight and likely less than that if id weighed earlier.  too light, but if we were together id want to go out and get a milkshake to celebrate although i suppose i could not have gone out.

I was never able to clear out my ears which is problematic, i probably need to swim tomorrow for that if for no other reason, a little scared to even go to sleep with them like this, but its late and i dont know what else to do.  If we were together id probably want you to massage my ears or something, so you can be happy about that.  I feel as isolated as i was in nm almost, although i saw a friend on the walk, i did have to wave him off lest the plague be spread.  If not for the ear thing, I would say i was close to back to normal and i worked hard today, actually got caught up in work, but i am very close to being finished with what i need to do for tomorrow and suspect if i am well i will finish it early in the day and be able to move on to the other things.  I remember the document i need to find on this issue, but i dont know that i will find it and im not sure that i need to.

I am a silly and romantic and impractical person.  I am glad i have not been sicker but i dont know that i should work too hard tomorrow.  There is another document which i also need to file which is far from perfect and will cost me, but i will sleep better over the weekend if I do and would probbly sleep better tonight if i went ahead and did it, but there is a lot to digest there and i should probably let my mind process it another night.

I have more to say, i watched this silly show and it was us or it was me thinking it was us (prettier setting) but it reminds me too much of what i missed and what you escaped.  its not really about us, nothing is.

This has been so very weird.  life.  I wonder what death will be like, it will likely be worse.  I have no idea what to do next other than sleep and i cannot do that.

I am older and wiser, no just older.  I have just had a bad day in some ways, but there have been worse days and  if i could just be somewhere where we could hold one another then maybe there would be a day which wasnt a bad day, but i fear that you need to have better days and i need to figure out what is happening next in this type of nothing which i suppose is more nothing, just watching the pretime changes going by.