The question I have to ask myself is whether I am capable of being so mistaken or whether I am capable of love. I also have to ask if you were the person I think you are or whether I deluded myself. I of delusions whether I am even partially true or did I delude you.
As to the last, I think not. I don't think I could have fooled you and so I must believe my own position whether I am true to myself or not.
The idea of one driven by desperation does not fit my situation. At the same time, it makes for a fine analogy just as the story of the Zombie apocalypse does. As I sit here eating a can of beans, I try to remember unsuccessfully whether I had to kill someone else for it. For so many people have attempted to hurt me for so much less. I find my life to be a series of compromises, how much of my soul should I shed for some moments of comfort. How much of someone else's soul can I ask for before it's too much.
If I compromise part of you because of who I want to be, you have the right to condemn me, but if you ask for part of mine for your own comfort, you should be willing to consider my motivations and condemn accordingly.
You can't put yourself in my position and I would not be able to justify it were it possible, because I condemn myself even though I know perfectly well things that no one else holds in their heads. One sits in judgement of the thief and convicts them easily; but one recognizes the thief as a hero when Jean Claude steals bread for his family. What is the price of loving your family and loving someone else but disappointment. There is no alternative for anyone involved and everyone understands this whether they can shift the blame or not. To believe that some other result is possible is unintelligent, but then anyone can fool themselves if they are convincing enough and who am I to think otherwise since I am convincing. But there is always more to any story than first chapter. The story behind the first part you read is the part that holds the reader. So it is true of this story which appears to be one of betrayal and perhaps that is true for who isn't betrayed when love divides ones loyalties. IT doesn't really matter why the world ends, that part of the story switches with the real story and becomes nothing more that the background.
Are the actions to background or is love?
And if you find that you have no part in my decisions, then perhaps you miss the point that your decisions decided my course of action. Do you believe I am so heartless that I cannot feel agony and to you think I am so far sighted that I can do so much to show love as I describe it without asking for something else and for so long because I know that I will be able to use that one day in the future?
Love is shown by inaction in some cases but by action in others. Who are you to judge which and what parts of honesty are betrayal and what of betrayal are concession without knowing everything? That is everyone's prerogative, to judge, but it is also a prerogative to be mistaken. I am imperfect which does not make me innocent of the charges leveled but it doesn't make me guilty.
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